Chris Krovatin is the author of three young adult novels,

Irving Plaza, New York. Saturday, April 20.

Date of this concert: 4/20.
And how are we today: Dave’s not here, man.
Journalists’ favorite thing to hear at a will-call window: “You’re not on any of the lists we have.”
Even better: “Absolutely, sorry for the inconvenience,” 15 minutes later.
Backpatch of the night: The one of spiraling Pantera logos, on the back of a chick.
Cost of a 24 oz. Bud Light tall boy at Irving Plaza: $13.
Cost of a Genesee Cream Ale: $5.
Number of Genesees consumed upon arrival: 3.
How you doing there, buddy: What’s a buddy?
First up: Holy Grail from California.
Sounds like: Just, man, just fucking great.
Surprise of the night: While not my favorite record, Holy Grail’s latest, Ride the Void, sounds absolutely awesome live.
Favorite Holy Grail track of the night: The always-awesome closer, “Fight to Kill.”
Favorite piece of merch available: Municipal Waste’s shirt featuring a chick shotgunning a beer through some dude’s perforated head.
Least favorite aspect of Irving Plaza: The No Re-Entry policy. Such horseshit.
Second least favorite aspect of Irving Plaza: The lukewarm half-bunned hot dog I’m forced to eat due to aforementioned No Re-Entry policy.
Up next: Shadows Fall from Massachusetts.
Band Shadows Fall is replacing on this tour, on 4/20: High on Fire.
Resulting emotion: I hate you, Shadows Fall. I hate you more than any band, ever.
Even Megadeth?: I could never hate a band more than Megadeth.
Brilliant observation of the night: Shadows Fall frontman Brian Fair’s dreads must be cumbersome to headbang like that.
Sad moment of the night: What, no “Crushing Belial?” No “Fleshhold?”
Favorite crowd spotting of the night: Municipal Waste’s Tony Forresta, charging past me. Huh, dude looks pissed.
What Tony Forresta is probably pissed about: This BULLSHIT NO RE-ENTRY POLICY, most likely.
On that note, we have: Municipal Waste from Richmond, Virginia.
Headbanger: Face rip.
Number of seconds into the Waste’s set before a cloud of smoke rises from the crowd: 2.6.
Number of dugout hits taken: 5.
What’s going on, man: Everyone’s beautiful. Thrash metal is just so fucking beautiful.
Favorite Municipal Waste track of the set: The crushing power of “The Thrashin’ of the Christ.”
Interesting stage banter: Tony Forresta calling Anthrax “the hometown heroes.” I never think of Anthrax as a New York band these days.
Reasons for not thinking of Anthrax as an NYC band: 40% Scott Ian living in LA, 60% Joey Belladonna’s tan.
Tip for the burgeoning partier: Headbanging plus multiple beers plus herbal refreshment equals feeling like you’re going to pass out midway through a show.
Follow-up tip: Never get old.
Two left, next we got: Exodus.
From: New Zealand. The Bay Area, you fucking mook.
Hilarious sight of the night: A bunch of sweaty thrashers throwing up the horns and screaming the phrase “SADO-SEXUAL VIOLEEEENCE!”
Catty observation of the night: Frontman Rob Dukes has packed on a few pounds.
Further catty observations: Rob, who you pointing at? Is that even a stage move?
All that said: Rob Dukes is, in my opinion, Exodus’ best frontman.
Awesome track of the night: All of them. But especially “Fabulous Disaster.”
Admission of the night: I could give a fuck about “Bonded by Blood.”
One band left, you OK there, pal: I think I gotta go to the hospital.
And finally: Anthrax, from NYC, which everyone keeps reminding me.
Specialty of the night: Anthrax are playing Among the Living in its entirety.
Big impressive moment of the night: Wow, Joey Belladonna sounds a lot better now than he did on that reunion tour all those years ago!
Hot damn: I can’t believe I ever doubted the dude. He’s killing it.
However: I am now reminded that not all of Among the Living is that good.
All that said: WAR DANCE!
End of the night: A blast of fresh air and a straight-up canon being sparked the minute I leave.
What else you got going on?: There are other things?

Chris Krovatin is the author of three young adult novels,

In Paradise Lost, a 17^th century poet tells the story of Satan’s fall from Heaven and the fall of man, which Satan causes using his powers of influence and temptation. The epic poem is controversial for its portrayal of the Devil as a human and sympathetic figure, whose banishment from God’s domain is caused by the very prevalent emotion of pride, painted therein as the greatest sin of all. Four years after he published Paradise Lost, Milton put out Paradise Regained, which deals with the temptation of Jesus Christ. What’s interesting is that while most people know some line or fact about Paradise Lost (“Farewell, happy fields/Where joy forever dwells: hail, horrors, hail”), very few know much about Paradise Regained. Why? Because as a whole, Satan is a more interesting character than Christ. His reasons for his actions are like our own—nuanced, rarely clear. Jesus does what he does because he’s good. That’s not the world I live in.

Villains are awesome. Their costumes, weapons, and powers are often far more interesting than those of the heroes against whom they fight, and their motives are generally far more interesting than those of the heroes. But not all villains are created equal. For every fascinating and powerful villainous character, there are two or three who feel like whiny little assholes derping around for no real reason. And being metal means being strong, driven, purposeful in your darkness. So for all those hand-wringers and doomsday-bringers out there, I bring this, my Six Most and Least Metal Villains.

The Six Most Metal Villains:

1) Sauron
J.R.R. Tolkien’s personification of all evil and hatred lives up to his role—from his spiked helmet to his giant burning eye to his supernatural hold on anyone who dares interact with him. He’s like Satan, only less of a metaphor and more of a big scary-ass guy with a sword

2) Darth Vader
In space, the archetype of the Black Knight has taken a terrifying new form. This cyborg monstrosity is an expert sword-fighter, fighter-pilot, and magic wielder, serving the very essence of darkness and despair after destroying his only chance at peace in a fit of rage. No one calls him “Annie” anymore.

3) Count Dracula
God among vampires, Bram Stoker’s undead overlord is the ultimate representation of night’s infernal power. Add that he’s a shape-shifting blood-drinking unholy lothario, and you’ve got a fascinating figure whose bested everyone from Harker to Belmont.

4) Venom
Spider-Man’s dark doppelganger, Venom is how everyone really imagines evil—cold, black, bitter, and rocking a gaping maw of razor-sharp teeth. That he is a psychotic madman wearing an alien costume that feeds on hatred is just an added bonus.

5) Agent Smith
What makes Agent Smith so terrifying and incredible as a villain is his underlying emotion. On the one hand, he’s all logic, a being made of binary code and unarguable purpose. On the other, he’s deeply emotional—he hates this place. This, friends, is the ordered face of pure evil.

6) Lady Macbeth
Resourceful, brutal, and insane—Lady Macbeth is the ultimate femme fatale. While Shakespeare likely created her as a sexist scapegoat, her cunning and readiness to get her hands dirty would likely scare the shit out of guys like Shredder and Mumm-Ra. You think you could take her? Have fun dying slow, pal.

Honorable mention: Skeletor. The dude looks like a jacked-up Grim Reaper and rocks what is known as a “Havoc Staff.” That’s real, son.

The Six Least Metal Villains:

1) Adolf Hitler
OK, so this guy nearly conquered the world with his campaign of racism and megalomania. It doesn’t change the fact that the dude was a fidgety little house painter with one testicle who thought he was saving the world with his xenophobic bullshit. Fuck this guy, over and over.

2) Professor Moriarity
While one of the great villains of literature, Moriarity is kind of lame overall. Consider it for a second—he’s a math teacher who’s basically a bad clone of his nemesis, a British detective he can’t even kill without falling off a damn waterfall. Not even interesting in his dastardliness.

3) Gargamel
Bad enough Gargamel is a hunched old man who lives alone with his cat…but he’s the Smurfs’ villain. Let’s say that again: the fucking Smurfs’ villain. The dude has dedicated himself to a life of destroying tiny blue mushroom people? And he still hasn’t done it? Truly one of God’s dumbasses.

4) Iago
The antagonist of Shakespeare’s Othello, Iago is the type of villain even villains hate: He’s a gossipy little bitch. We all know a guy like this, who uses misinformation and posturing to get whatever his petty little heart desires (your girlfriend, for instance). This insidious cretin deserves a swift kick to, well, everywhere, really.

5) The Penguin
Of Batman’s nemeses, the Penguin is one of the few not confined to Arkham Asylum when caught. Why? Because only interesting people are insane. What we have here is a roly-poly little Monopoly man with lame weapons and a bad gimmick (birds? Fucking birds?!).

6) Oogie Boogie
Sorry, but I gotta throw down here. Oogie Boogie may be a living burlap sack filled with bugs, which I guess is sort of scary, but the Cab Calloway routine immediately erases that. It’s a bad sign when you’re a villain and the hero, his friends, his girlfriend, and your henchmen are all scarier than you.

Chris Krovatin is the author of three young adult novels,

With death metal and hardcore leading the mall-promoted face of metal (or whatever the fuck people under 20 care about these days, God, I need a drink), breakdowns have become a staple point within the genre. Every dude who likes swinging a ham-sized fist around for no reason spends much of any metal concert waiting for that moment when things slow down and he can stomp around like a violent turtle. There’s even an entire genre now, “deathcore” that seems to be composed entirely of breakdowns. Chug-chug, slam-slam, we all love a good breakdown.

What aren’t always given their due, however, are speed-up parts, the moment where a mid-paced song bursts into a thrash section and some dude in the pit is given the go-ahead to hold up his index finger and spin it around, signaling the much-loved circle pit. I’ve always adored these moments, when a normal song explodes into a barrage of speed and aggression, as I’m much more of an old-school mosher, the running and slamming and freewheeling type, than the modern karate-kicking dance majors who so often populate the pit during a breakdown. So, to honor both the quick and the deadly (and to piss off scene bros and kvltists alike), here is my list of the Six Best Breakdowns and Speed-Ups.

The Six Best Breakdowns:

1. Pantera, “Domination” Aw, man, the original. Dimebag’s guitar breaks off of that pained wail and rolls right into that steady chug, eventually topped with insane weedling unlike any heard before. Tough as nails, catchy as Hell—the breakdown all others aspire to.

2. Slayer, “Raining Blood” The end of this classic Slayer track is a perfect example of a breakdown that makes a song. With its melodic variation on the opening riff coupled by the neck-snapping rhythm it stomps into, this manages to be both brawny and deeply evil at once.

3. Hatebreed, “Before Dishonor” If there was ever a breakdown to beat on one’s chest to, it’s that of “Before Dishonor.” Jamey Jasta bellowing, “WHAT I HAVE IN MY HEART, I’LL TAKE TO MY GRAVE” helps. Easily the most macho of the breakdowns on this list.

4. Lamb of God, “Now You’ve Got Something To Die For” Just beating that of “Black Label,” the breakdown closing “Now You’ve Got…” is the bottom line for metal kids who want to absolutely lose their shit in the pit. Randy Blythe’s roar over its opening is truly breathtaking.

5. Sepultura, “Propaganda” To be a stand-out breakdown on a record this chuggy and mid-paced takes some stones, but Sepultura pull it off without issue. It’s especially notable given how well it closes one of the faster songs on the record, and does so in a solid swoop, not a fade-out.

6. Anthrax, “Indians” Two words: WAR DANCE!

Band of note: Dying Fetus I really wanted to include a Dying Fetus track on this list, but every attempt at finding the right song made me think, Is this an actual breakdown, or just a Dying Fetus part? Let me take this moment to say that Dying Fetus are kings of the death-metal breakdown, and much of the modern obsession with breakdowns is their doing.

The Six Best Speed-Ups:

1. Lamb of God, “Ruin” Ye-hess. The moment where this song breaks into an off-kilter thrash part is absolutely obliterating and totally satisfying. If you listen to this song and your fist doesn’t begin pumping at this speed-up moment, you’re not doing it right. The sound of someone’s breaking point.

2. Cannibal Corpse, “Stripped, Raped, and Strangled” This Cannibal classic begins with a plodding, heavy-handed riff, but then breaks into a panicked whirlwind of guitar leads and drums that perfectly expresses the insanity of its protagonist. This is how a speed-up can be used as a consistent part, and subsequently craft a song into something better than it once was.

3. Slayer, “Postmortem” Not only is the sudden change in tempo of this song impressive, but the sudden speed applied to the sudden barrage of wordy lyrics—“My sinful glare at nothing holds thoughts of death behind it”—showcases Tom Araya’s vocal versatility. Look, just tell me this: DO YOU WANT TO DIE?

4. Guns N’ Roses, “Paradise City” Oh yeah—even the glamor boys got in on the speed. The sudden supercharged ending of this track takes the main riff and throws it on its head with a big dose of Lemmy. Didn’t think you could mosh to GN’R? Think again.

5. The Crown, “Devil Gate Rider” This Swedish death-metal classic, guest starring Tomas Lindberg of At the Gates, is the best song about drag-racing in Hell that has ever existed. And when it speeds up, you can basically see a checkered flag dropping and smell rubber burning. BORN! TO! RACE!

6. Mercyful Fate, “A Dangerous Meeting” Though not as much a thrash part as the speed-ups above it, the acceleration of “A Dangerous Meeting” ups this chug-along Satanic metal song’s cred, and probably inspired every black-metal band, ever. 

Chris Krovatin is the author of three young adult novels,

It is rare that great albums have great covers. On the odd instance they do, something beautiful occurs, a perfect coupling of music and imagery that cements that record into your mind. But plenty of incredible records have lame faces forward. For every British Steel, there is an Ace of Spades. For every South of Heaven, there is a Bonded By Blood. Sometimes, the lack of an awesome cover makes the album even better–a mind-blowing collection of songs with a solidly “Meh” cover makes the music even cooler, as it stands on its own without the help of flashy graphics. Most importantly, a bad album with a bad cover is the worst thing in the world and should be treated as such. Maybe the “Black Album” doesn’t look as good as Master of Puppets, but we all know Lulu can go fuck itself.

This year in metal was no different than any other. Some bands blew our minds with the evocative imagery, and some really shat the bed in full-force. Of course, underground bands with more investment in actual art took the lead, creating awesome weird cover art that speaks to creative souls, while mainstream artists on major labels pumped out cliché and over-produced pieces of hackneyed crap (though in the case of Tankard, you can’t even blame the big record companies–they just chose poorly). So if you consider yourself an artistic soul or a philistine, enjoy my Six Best and Worst Metal Album Covers of 2012. Damn your eyes.

The Six Best Metal Album Covers of 2012:

1. Sigh, In Somniphobia I wish I could even begin to describe what the fuck is going on here. The way I’m seeing it, the elderly aristocrat is pregnant with her eighth dead baby, and everyone at the Italian outdoor market is overjoyed about it. Incredible, but fuck, man.

2. Black Breath, Sentenced To Life This is like a cooler version of those old Exciter album covers—a single hand, leather-clad, coming out of the darkness and smashing the fourth wall with a sledgehammer. The image is both awesome on its own and a perfect representation of the album’s general atmosphere. Brutal.

3. Lord Mantis, Pervertor Here’s what I’m getting: Christ is in Hell, and a number of corpse-faced ambulatory cocks are using their barbed tongues to explore his newly created vagina. Is…is that what’s going on here? Because if that’s it, I’m really not sure whether I should be overjoyed or very, very worried.

4. Six Feet Under, Undead Not only was Undead a solid and entertaining death-metal album, but it had an absolutely incredible cover, with a whirling mind of evil meat perfectly illustrating the inner workings of the zombie. Finally, these guys figured it out.

5. The Howling Wind, Of Babalon Drawn by the inimitable Tony Roberts, this creeping and sinister cover exudes a sense of organic black magic that many fans dream of. It’s one of the few recent album covers that features a naked woman which doesn’t immediately seem corny to me.

6. Kreator, Phantom Antichrist Wes Benscoter, king among death-metal album artists, has done it again with this twisted, over-the-top illustration of…well, the Phantom Antichrist, I guess? Once again, it’s probably a good sign that I have no exact idea what’s happening here, I just want in.

Honorable mentions: The Northless/Light Bearer split for its creepy electric doom priests, and the Horseback/Locrian split for its giant woodland vagina castle.

The Six Worst Metal Album Covers of 2012:

1. Tankard, A Girl Called Cerveza BLECCH. Nevermind that Tankard’s thrash paeans to beer have gone a little flat over time—this cover is beyond hideous. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve all drank enough to flirt with a broad like this, but ugh. Why would you even. GYAH.

2. Geoff Tate, Kings and Thieves I promise, as much as I find Geoff Tate a ridiculous cornball, I won’t make fun of his album cover if it’s—oh, wait, it’s a confused mess reminiscent of 2008 with its fleur de lis and ravens. Is the one raven stuck? How does this relate to the album? Man, you’re batting a thousand, Geoff.

3. In This Moment, Blood Remember what I said about naked chicks in the last list? Case in point. Between teasing us with naked women that are then weird mannequins and showcasing Maria Brink (are there other members to this band?), In This Moment lost the plot with this album cover. Cool title—wish you’d done something here with it. So the record’s about what? Boobs or crows?

4. Ministry, Relapse Whelp, sometimes the mighty fall far. The gods of metallic industrial have graced us with the image of a fat, foaming-at-the-mouth ODing metal dude in a…church? Or something? Ugh. This

5. Adrenaline Mob, Omerta BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAH! Guys, let’s not do this. Everything going on here has been done better by bands like Volbeat and Chrome Division. The rings on the skeletons finger only make me think of some jackass rapper, any jackass rapper. And the devil/angel girl card? Grow the fuck up.

6. Yngwie Malmsteen’s Rising Force, Spellbound What. An. Asshole.

Chris Krovatin is the author of three young adult novels,

• Location of this death-metal show: A small cruise ship making a large loop around the East River.
• Reason for this venue: Anyone’s guess. Must have been cheaper than playing B.B. King’s.
• Plus side: The ship is small, so it’s like a intimate club show, a la L’Amour.
• Amount of time before the show that I knew it existed: Two hours, 40 minutes.
• General feeling while navigating floating walkways to the ship: This is some Dethklok shit right here.
• Tagline for the night: If you go to one death-metal show this year that actually moves under the Manhattan bridge…
• Temperature outside tonight: Cold as tits.
• Temperature within the ship: Hot as balls.
• Number of metalheads in attendance: Approximately 80.
• Number of female metalheads in attendance: Six. Maybe eight.
• Missed connections section of this blog: You: black hair, a little shorter than me, round face, sleeveless shirt, possibly Asian. Me: inappropriate collared shirt—I came from work—soaked with sweat. Did we have an unspoken moment? Probably not.
• Odds of meeting a woman at a Cannibal Corpse show who is not there with her likely-terrifying boyfriend: 4,206/1
• Price of a Budweiser aboard the ship: $5
• Sad reality: That’s really not that bad for a beer in New York. Maybe more metal bands should book these cruise shows.
• Other refreshments: Free ziti buffet.
• I’m sorry, what?: A free baked ziti and Caesar salad buffet. Again, this cruise concert thing might have to happen more often.
• First up: Misery Index from Bodymore, Murderland.
• Sounds like: Two parts old-school grindcore, one part brutal groovy death metal, all with a coating of political outrage and misanthropic disgust.
• Sad realization: With the bands playing at floor level and everyone jammed up front, you maybe get to actually see one band member for about 20 seconds.
• New experience of the night: Moshing on a boat.
• Noteworthy fact: A boat’s rocking can throw your mosh rhythm all off. It’s infuriating.
• Favorite song of the set: “The Seventh Cavalry” with its slow, muscular crush.
• Best piece of merch available: It forever shall be the Cannibal Corpse ‘I Cum Blood’ thong.
• Best thing to hear directly behind you before a Cannibal Corpse set: “I might ralf.”
• Next: Cannibal Corpse from Tampa, Florida.
• Sounds like: Entrails, ripped from a virgin’s cunt.
• Crowd reaction: Cauldron of hate, rotten body landslide, pit of zombies.
• Huge realization: Now that I see him on the ground, vocalist George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher is not eight feet tall with flaming bile pouring out of his eyes. Go figure!
• Incredible stage banter: “How’s everyone doing in the back? I mean, I hope good, but I can only see three people from down here, and no one’s going anywhere, so…”
• New classics: “Evisceration Plague” and the absolutely neck-wrecking “Scourge of Iron.”
• Old favorites: “Covered in Sores” and “Fucked aith a Knife.”
• Least favorite dude in the pit: The guy in the hat who likes to grab my shoulder and use me as a post to balance himself so he can do his karate kicks.
• Oh look: After doing his kung fu moves and getting tossed around, he’s coming back to use my shoulder a second and third time! Jackass.
• Classic closers: “Hammer Smashed Face” and “Stripped, Raped, and Strangled.”
• Unpleasant aromas experienced post-show: Everyone, the harbor, my balls.
• Drop-off point: 23^rd and FDR Drive. Great, now I get to walk the seven avenue blocks in the cold to the R train.
• Regrets: None.

Chris Krovatin is the author of three young adult novels,

One of the best parts of Halloween is dressing up like something you don’t often get to be in your everyday life—be that a monster, pun, or sexpot—and parading around town, reveling in that borrowed personality. That’s why Halloween will always have an aspect of the insane to it: because everyone is someone else, thriving behind their masks and cloaks in a life they’ll abandon by sun-up. Of course, this has been taken in dangerous directions, especially with the Sexy _____ market. My philosophy, being a metalhead, has always been, “Gore, not whore.” However, this is a night where people get to be what they want, so who am I to shoot their ideas down?

Answer: Chris fucking Krovatin, that’s who. Because honestly, some costumes never work. Every so often, someone you know does a semi-decent job at pulling them off, but overall, they’re garbage. More so, there are some costumes no one does, but which are so awesome it hurts. And then, finally, there are the classics, the costumes that most people should just rotate through every couple of years. So if you’re feeling undecided, use this handy guide to help you pick your costume this October 31. Here, fear-mongers, is my second Halloween-edition triple six, with the Six Halloween Costumes That Never Work, the Six Halloween Costumes that I Wish People Wore More Often, and the Six Timeless Classic Halloween Costumes.

The Six Halloween Costumes That Never Work

1. Werewolf Torn flannel shirt? Check. Ripped jeans? Got ‘em. Fully functional wolf-human hybrid head? Oh wait, those don’t exist on the open market. Enjoy your mask or not-cool-and-gory prosthetic.
2. Mummy Don’t get me wrong, there are bad mummy costumes: skintight white gauze that makes you look like Darkman on Ice, or a weird striped jumpsuit with some dangling tatters. But really, why not just be List 3, Item 5?
3. Jack Skellington Sorry, goth brother, but that shit always looks chunky and awkward. Jack is the world’s spookiest stick figure, and you drank four Michelob Ultras last night. Ain’t happening.
4. Mr. Hyde Edward Hyde looks like the evil side of a good man, the distilled darkness that resides within the darkest recesses of a good man’s soul. You look like Monkey McMuttonchops out on the town in foggy old London. It’s a nice idea.
5. Ghost What do you go for? A sheet? White clothing and skull lines of your face? Some Jacob Marley-ass chains? It never works. Ghosts are awesome in stories, movies, and video games, but you can’t make yourself transparent, and scaaary voices sound retaaarded.
6. King Diamond Every year, I see a number of people rocking this outfit, and the truth is, it never looks good. I mean, unless you’ve got the pipes for it, you’ll never be King Diamond. Besides, he’s King Diamond so you don’t have to be.

The Six Halloween Costumes That I Wish People Wore More Often

1. Witchfinder General The original holy terror! Matthew Hopkins, England’s Witchfinder General, murdered countless young women in the name of Christ. But while it’d be fun to get all Exodus 22:18 on motherfuckers, you’d also spend the whole night getting asked if you were a pilgrim.
2. Hunchback I mean, I get why it’s not done. Either you do it half-assed so you can drink and maybe bone someone, or you do it full hog and end up being the stooped-over uncomfortable goon all night at the party. But it’s a cool costume, you have to admit.
3. Tetsuo The antagonist from the classic anime comic Akira is a scary and iconic figure in the sci-fi world, and would make an awesome Halloween costume. I was going to do it this year, but I just don’t have the body type for it, and really didn’t want to hear anyone use the phrase “Fatsuo.”
4. Bat Not a vampire. Not a gargoyle, or some kind of…Deviant Art demon. A bat. Maybe do the ears, and, if you’re a baller, the gross vagina-esque leaf nose. But just be a bat, OK? Just. A fucking. BAT.
5. Cthulhu It’s hard to convince your friends that sitting on a bas relief all night and maybe rising up from your sunken city to devour the world would be the illest. But man, if someone busted out a truly solid Cthulhu costume, I’d give them props.
6. Baron Samedi This is actually a totally doable costume—the voodoo loa of the dead wears a tattered suit and tails, a top hat, and some glasses with one eye busted out. It’s a shame that he’ll forever be remembered as a Bond villain.

The Six Timeless Classic Halloween Costumes

1. Witch Nothing says “Halloween” like an old woman who fucks the Devil. Whether you’re doing the Oz-style pointed hat or the Macbeth-ish stooped crone, the witch remains a classic in the Halloween pantheon. Variation: Gypsy.
2. Devil Halloween, we should remember, is a day when the fabric between our world and the world beyond is at its thinnest, allowing diabolical forces to slip through. Red-clad forces, with pencil mustaches, that want bite-size Snickers bars. Technically the most metal costume. Variation: The Man.
3. Skeleton The original. For some reason, a walking set of bones remains a classic terror for mankind. But more importantly, a black outfit painted with bones remains an iconic image for the best day of the year. Variation: Grim Reaper.
4. Vampire Creature of the night, clad in black, ready to swoop down upon your village and enact a series of sexual metaphors you’ll never forget. A little white paint, some red dribble, and some wax teeth, and bam!—looking good, Dracula. Variation: A FUCKING BAT, GODAMMIT.
5. Zombie For the gorier horror fan, nothing is as simple and wonderful as the living dead—and given the recent zombie craze, you can buy all sorts of insane shit these days, intestines and lips-eaten-away mouth prosthetics and more. Variation: Zombie anything. “Zombie” is the new “sexy.” We’re them. They’re us.
6. Pirate There’s a reason “pirate” was an iconic Halloween costume before that Johnny Depp franchise: Pirates are fucking scary. They slaughter innocent sailors before jamming their syphilitic cocks into the stab wounds. Yarr, man. Variation: Popeye. 

Chris Krovatin is the author of three young adult novels,

My original plan for this Final Six—my first in a series of Halloween-themed posts, honoring my favorite day of the year—was to do a list of the Six Best Classic and Modern Horror Movies of All Time. The classic list would be all horror movies made pre-1970, while my modern list would feature films made after the year 2000. In that way, I was hoping to juxtapose the genre’s grainy black-and-white history with its modern psychologically-troubling and overproduced incarnations. A cool comparison, right?

But here’s the thing—the horror films of the era between those two periods (really the ’70s and ’80s, though, I mean, come on, the ’90s were as good for horror films as they were for Iron Maiden) are the greatest horror films ever. Period. That chunk of time produced what I believe to be the most fascinating, well-produced, and above all horrifying films of the genre. I’d rather watch them than any other. So leaving them behind was just unfair—to me, to you, to the genre.

So in honor of Halloween and all things dark and ghoulish, here’s my first-ever triple six, featuring the Six Best Classic Horror Movies, the Six Best Modern Horror Movies, and the Six Best Horror Movies of All Time. Turn down the lights, lock the door.

The Six Best Classic Horror Films (pre-1970)

1. The Phantom of the Opera (1925) This silent masterpiece sees thousand-faced man Lon Chaney playing the misanthropic skull-faced phantom. Though melodramatic and bizarre, the film drips with gothic atmosphere and frightening brilliance that would be imitated for years to come.
2. Dracula (1931) Hungarian actor Bela Lugosi permanently coins the Count’s ominous cloaked appearance in this gorgeous vampire story, its crumbling castles, frightened villagers, and leering lunatics (everybody do the Dwight Frye—HNGH HNGH HNNNNNGH) still shiver-worthy to this day.
3. King Kong (1933) The original giant monster movie, this classic film might look dated with its stop-motion effects and giant fake hand, but its classic imagery and the genuine awesomeness of Kong devouring sailors and fighting dinosaurs stands the test of time to this day.
4. The Bride of Frankenstein (1935) While not as iconic as the original James Whale-directed Frankenstein, Bride… brings much stronger chills, mostly arising from the Monster’s emergence from the pit and his hunger for a mate. And then, there’s Elsa Lanchester with that hair. Va-va-voom.
5. Psycho (1960) From fractured minds with butchers’ knives to foreboding houses on steep hills, Psycho has it all. And while it is the father of the modern slasher film, this Hitchcock masterpiece goes beyond simple stabbings, and acts more as a nightmarish assault on the human mind itself.
6. Night of the Living Dead (1968) What else can be said? This brittle, paranoid fantasy of a world overrun by the ravenous dead first introduced film audiences to the flesh-eating corpse later known as the zombie, a monster who would stumble through the ages and into genre infamy.

The Six Best Modern Horror Movies (post-2000)

1. American Psycho (2000) Set in the brittle cocaine-caked nostril of New York in the late ’80s, Mary Harron’s and Christian Bale’s depiction of Patrick Bateman, one yuppie Wall Streeter turned sociopathic woman-hating madman, is a perfect modern distillation of the horror experience. Do you like Huey Lewis?
2. 28 Days Later (2002) In a stark revision of the zombie genre, Danny Boyle paints a landscape of an evacuated London populated mainly by the bloody rage-fueled monsters known as the Infected. While many hate on this film’s “fast zombies,” its sense of impending menace cannot be understated.
3. The Ring (2002) This brooding adaptation of a classic Japanese horror film uses technology as the conduit for a malevolent and terrifying spirit. The result is disturbing to say the least—let’s be honest, nothing’s worse than that girl in the closet.
4. The House of 1000 Corpses (2003) Rob Zombie’s tribute to the classic gorefests of his youth sees a family of backwoods maniacs tormenting a wayward quartet of 20-somethings on a disturbing Halloween night. The boogeyman’s real—and you’ve found him.
5. Saw (2004) While its countless sequels have made this franchise a complete joke, the original Saw has an innate creepiness to it lacking in the horror climate of the time. Before now, circuitous death traps were for kiddies and grandfathers…
6. Let The Right One In (2008) A quiet, upsetting Swedish film, Let The Right One In focuses on the sad and lonely lives of a young boy and a perpetually-12-year-old vampire. Using the stark whiteness of the Scandinavian landscape, this movie is as much a work of art as a chilling tale of terror.

The Six Greatest Horror Movies of All Time

1. The Exorcist (1973) Forget horns, hooves, and pitchforks—William Friedkin’s twisted tale of demonic possession shows that the Devil is truly a being of contortionism, vomit, and blasphemy. This movie caused nationwide panic, and remains as scary today as it was at the time of, oh, screw it, JESUS FUCK ME!
2. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) Bloated with disturbing imagery and sweaty, paralyzing terror, this low-budget explosion of madness forever changed the face of the genre. Forget vampires, ghosts, werewolves—nothing is scarier than family.
3. Dawn of the Dead (1978) NOTLD may have been the original, but Dawn is better. More zombies, more gore, more social commentary, more fear. The slow, grey-faced undead menace never felt so familiar. They’re us, that’s all.
4. Halloween (1978) Maybe there were some who did it gorier or bigger or with more creative means, but in the genre of horror, one thing is certain—no slasher is as cool as Michael Myers, the unstoppable force of insanity from the past coming home for one final visit. Cinematic perfection.
5. Alien (1979) Space may be the scariest place in the universe, its cold and endless vacuum as deep and dark as the human soul. And if you’re a crew member of the Nostromo, you get to see what kind of organism that ocean of silence can cough up. Creepy? You have no idea.
6. The Shining (1980) Stanley Kubrick’s mind-blowing rendition of Stephen King’s classic haunted house story remains a testament to the artistic merit of horror. Jack Nicholson would be playing this role for the rest of his career.

Chris Krovatin is the author of three young adult novels,

OK, here’s what I’m thinking: I want the band name, you know, Meatball Grinder, only I want “Meatball” to be done as, like, splatters of human intestines against a brick wall on a hot day, right? But then “Grinder” should be made of big jagged pieces of riveted metal with kind of a chrome look. But here’s where it gets important: I want the intestines in the “M” to be pulled into kind of a chute, right, and then have the “R” have a spout that’s spitting out this furious barrage of ground meat, just a repulsive spray of chunky remains. And can we put an inverted cross in there? What if the “T” in “Meatball” is an inverted cross? No one’s done that, right?

Creating a truly cool band logo is hard, especially in metal where everything is done to death. But if you nail it, then damn, you’ve done good. Sometimes, your band says enough that you don’t need a logo, just a font (Motörhead, Pantera). Sometimes, your band is down to change their shit up album to album, the awesome band name doing most of the graphic designer’s job (Black Sabbath, Electric Wizard). And sometimes, you decide to have your band logo look like a Vidalia onion (Naglfar). But for the elite few, that logo remains as perfect symbol for that band’s awesome sound and atmosphere. Likewise, if your band logo sucks, I will never 100 percent dig you. Nothing personal, but it matters. So, dear readers, here is my list of the Six Coolest and Lamest Metal Band Logos.

The Six Coolest Metal Band Logos:

1. Slayer HELL yes. No other logo even touches the Slayer logo. It has a sharp old-school thrash-metal vibe to it (and, let’s all quietly admit, a slightly fascistic quality with that “S”), but remains edgy and modern. Perfect for tattoos, graffiti, yarmulkes, socks, shot glasses, rolling papers, and whatever else you can think of. Put it on everything.

2. Iron Maiden With its classic red block lettering, this is easily one of the most identifiable band logos in metal. It immediately invokes the traditional concept of the genre—long hair, pumping fists, black sleeveless shirts, war. Predictable, perhaps, but undeniable in its eternal power. Hail.

3. Metallica Yeah, we gotta do it. Say what you want about them as a band, Metallica has one of the cooler logos in music. What makes it so awesome is its simplicity—just make the ends of the word sharp, like fangs. Every time a death-metal band designs a wholly unreadable logo, they should stop and consider this one. Damn near perfect.

4. Napalm Death All too often, death-metal bands err on the side of spiky logos (Death, Morbid Angel) or dripping gory logos (Cryptopsy, Autopsy, all the “-topsies” really). Napalm Death found a perfect medium, their shredded, scrawled skeleton of a logo standing as a symbol of all things insane, repulsive, and enraged. Rock this on a shirt while stomping a Nazi’s face in.

5. Mayhem The Emperor logo’s more regal and the Darkthrone logo’s more cult, but the Mayhem logo has it all—spikes, crosses, bat wings, and “the true” written atop it. This is the standard that every black-metal band wanted to follow, a mutated outgrowth of overdriven evil. God, just LOOK at it.

6. Nine Inch Nails White box. “N,” “I,” backward “N.” Simple, elegant, hardcore, solid, undeniable, awesome.

Honorable mentions: Opeth, Carcass, Emperor, Venom, Death, Morbid Angel, Anthrax, Nile, Twisted Sister, Wolves in the Throne Room, and that Sepultura “S” made out of bones.

The Six Lamest Metal Band Logos:

1. Killswitch Engage Though I’m not a diehard Killswitch fan or anything, I don’t hate these guys, but–yikes! There’s just so many bad things going on here—the pouty half-skull, the weird semi-wings over it, the crown, the ultra-distressed type. This logo is confused more than anything else. A confluence of bad metalcore imagery.

2. hed PE As far as nu-metal bands go, I actually really like these guys. “Waiting To Die” is awesome, and their cover of “Sabra Cadabra” on Nativity In Black II is a solid revision of a classic tune. But man, those parentheses are infuriating, and that upside-down lower-case “E” just puts the killing rage in me. At least the backwards “R” in the Korn logo has a childish thing to it—no one writes an upside-down “E.”

3. Saxon Is the “S” supposed to be a battle-axe? Is that what’s going on here? Because otherwise, this logo is an odd mix of a 1970s rock font and a weird 1980s prog-metal  script. And honestly, even if it is an axe, it’s not very good. Sorry, guys, but I got no love for this.

4. Morbid As much as I love Per “Dead” Ohlin and early black metal, I’m sad to report that this logo eats the thick veiny one. The weird little cutsey-goth bat shape, the lower-case “D” at the end… It all looks clumsy and unnatural. Obviously, it was redeemed by the Mayhem logo, but still, look at it. Blech.

5. HIM The heartagram sucks. Period. End of story. It is grade-A lame. Even when I listened to this band a lot—that’s right, they have some silky gothic grooves, man—I never rocked that heartagram logo. It’s Satanism filed down. It’s the beast with Mickey Mouse ears. Fuck this logo.

6. Megadeth Huh…look at how the first and last letters have those spiked corners. It reminds me of another, more successful band logo, but I forget which… Oh.

Chris Krovatin is the author of two young adult novels,

Hey, Skid Row, man, it’s Chris, how are you? What? Oh, I’m fine, thanks. Nah, no, I’ve really been a stranger lately. What? Well, yeah, that’s why I’m calling… Come on, man, don’t be like that. So, yeah, OK, yes, some people have seen me around town with Bjork, but it’s not… No, look, it’s not about you! She’s just helping me sort some personal shit out, OK? It’s hard, just booting and rallying over and over, buying all these tight jeans and gold chains—sometimes I just have to sigh in a warehouse apartment somewhere, OK? She’s really cool and ethereal—if you met her, you’d probably get…Well, maybe not. What—no, dude, wait. Skid Row, please—hey. Hey. Listen. What about tonight—are you busy? No? Let’s meet up at Freddy’s, man. We’ll crush a few brews and dominate the jukebox. You know you’re my one and only.

As a metalhead, I love some big, riffy, dick-swinging, face-punching cock rock. Nothing gets me more jacked up that a wailing guitar, a thick and simple drum beat, and a spandex-clad madman singing about driving fast and hunting strange. But as a human being, I can’t deny that you gotta get in touch with you feminine side. I’m serious—any dude who lives too long without getting his sobs out becomes a hideous zombie beyond saving (what up, Diamond Dave!). So for those independent women who want to get shirtless and disgusting, and for those crotch-grabbing party animals who need to cry in a huge T-shirt, I present by Six Best Cock-Rock and Chick-Rock Songs. And I’m talking chick rock—no L7, no Kittie, no Hole. Straight-up OG singer-songwriter Lilith Fair shit.

The Six Best Cock-Rock Songs:

1. Guns N’ Roses, “My Michelle” Unlike GN’R’s many songs about boozing, using, and coozin’, “My Michelle” focuses on that one chick you can’t leave alone, that undeniable bad girl who will rock your world every time (provided you pay for the drink and drugs). She drives her friends crazy with her life’s insanity. You know that chick.

1. Warrant, “Cherry Pie” The old ways are best. For instance, sex is good, but teenage sneaking-around counting-the-seconds sex is better. Hence, “Cherry Pie,” the world’s most recognizable war cry for bad behavior. It don’t mean a thing if you ain’t got that swing.

1. Mötley Crüe, “Too Young To Fall In Love” A good cock-rock song always has an awesome riff behind it, and this slow, death-march riff is one of the Crüe’s best forays into macho muscle-flashing. Throw this on your headphones when walking through midtown New York—people will be darting aside to avoid your giant balls.

1. Great White, “Rock Me” Not your typical cock-rock anthem, “Rock Me” takes its time, building into an awesome fist-pumping chorus that details the art of begging a chick to ride you until you cough up a lung. Gotta gives these guys props: song-writing is a 10, even if pyrotechnics is a 2.

1. W.A.S.P., “Animal (Fuck Like A Beast)” What else is there to say? Blackie Lawless scared the Hell out of second lady Tipper Gore with this song, and why not? It’s about the sex you never want your mother to know you have, the one involving all that leather stuff and rope in your nightstand drawer. Just, agree with me that when you lick your chops, they’re TAAASTING GOOOOOOOD.

1. Jackyl, “She Loves My Cock” What—WHY ARE YOU READING THIS? You saw the title! You know where this is going.

The Six Best Chick-Rock Songs:

1. The Story, “The Gilded Cage” Fronted by Lilith Fair veteran Jonatha Brook, the Story played intense emotional acoustic chick rock. But they, or at least Brook, had not time for bullshit religion. “The Gilded Cage” is as anti-church as any Deicide song, and utilizes some heartbreaking minor chords to boot. You might’ve lied…

1. Alanis Morisette, “A Man” While Alanis’ “You Oughtta Know” is the anthem to pissed-off chicks everywhere, “A Man” is her masculine anthem, told from the point of view of an intelligent modern man confronting his vilification at the hands of our world’s FemiNazis. A smart and intelligent role reversal by Canada’s second-most important export. (Sorry, Alanis, Devin Townsend wins the trophy.)

1. Tori Amos, “Strong Black Vine” Does your frau like to get kinky in the bedroom, but isn’t a big fan of Danzig and Blackie Lawless? This bass-heavy, wryly-sung tribute to unorthodox lovemaking in the face of Christian society will get her in the right mood. And come on—this chick covered “Raining Blood.” She’s legit.

1. Melissa Etheridge, “I’m the Only One” Not only does this song have a big, hard, southern rock guitar line at its center, but the lyrics come from the heart of a truly metal chick, calmly explaining how hard she would blow your mind compared to the ditzy cashier you’re now bedding. Let’s be honest: Your girlfriend likes you, but Melissa Etheridge does that thing with her tongue.

1. Fiona Apple, “Slow Like Honey” In both its subject matter and flavor, this song is not terribly metal, but, and I mean this, it will get you laid. I’m serious—this sultry, grinding, bestial lust song should be on every Valentine’s Day mix you ever make. It rules, every time. For once in your life, trust me, bro.

1. Joan Baez, “Diamonds and Rust” Yeah, it’s a heartbreaking story of confronting a lost lover. But after its creation, it was a Judas Priest song. You’ve got nothing on this.