Final Six: The Six Most/Least Metal Things About the Zombie Apocalypse

Chris “Lazarus OMG” Krovatin is the author of two young adult novels, Heavy Metal & You and Venomous. He is currently working on multiple new writing projects, as well as new material with his local New York metal band Flaming Tusk. He is a freelance writer for Revolver and generally comes off as a good-natured pain in everyone’s collective ass.

Hi, hello, 911? Oh God, finally. Uh. Not too good, actually. Well, my wife was just bitten in the throat by this…person. I could’ve sworn he was missing his intestines—well, not missing, they were everywhere, but they weren’t…he was sick. He looked sick. Anyway. She stopped moving a few minutes ago, and it sounds like the guy who bit her has a couple of friends with him, and none of them sound too happy that there’s a door between us. Does this have anything to do with all these sirens and that big billow of smoke coming from downtown—wait, hold on. My wife just got up. Honey? You okay?

The dead rising from their graves and attacking the living is one of the oldest stories mankind has to offer. Death is the ultimate destination, and the idea of someone, or some thing in a human body, returning from it suggests to us that all bets are off, here comes the end. And while most metalheads have dreamed of the day they can grab a machete and take on the silent majority, let’s not forget that the gore-soaked end of days is going to be a serious bummer. So here to help you weigh your options—and they’re growing slimmer with each victim—is my list of the Six Most and Least Metal Things About the Zombie Apocalypse.

Careful—they bite.

The Six Most Metal Things About the Zombie Apocalypse:

1) Wholesale murder! Zombies are like Nazis—no one’s going to miss ’em, and they’re good for not much other than being butchered. Ever wanted to exercise your scarier side? Now’s your chance.

2) The downfall of society! Mankind is sick—with greed, with ignorance, with distraction. And nothing gets everyone back on the same page like a horde of ravenous corpses. In a few minutes, your checking account is going to be the last thing on your mind.

3) Death metal will become culturally significant! One of the chief arguments against death metal is that it’s just a bunch of violent fantasies. In the zombie apocalypse, violence is reality, at all times. Here they come—someone cue up “Death Walking Terror.”

4) Everyday access to deadly weapons! When the panic breaks out and people are doing everything they can not to be eaten, no one will care if you toss a TV through a gun store window and grab an AK. In fact, they’ll probably be relieved. Oh, thank God—a man with a huge gun.

5) The chance to murder the people you hate! That teacher who tormented you all through high school? That boss who loved humiliating you in front of everyone? They’re all here. And now it’s legal to put an axe through their head.

6) Repopulating the earth! Hey, you know how you said you wouldn’t sleep with me if I was the last living man on the planet? Well, guess what?

The Six Least Metal Things About the Zombie Apocalypse:

1) No weed! Aw, does it suck to have to wait for your dealer to swing by? Trust me, you’ll remember it fondly when you’re scoping the horde for a walking corpse in tie-dye whose pockets you can search. There! The fat one in the beads!

2) No new tunes! We’ll all be a little too busy to be writing music, and while death metal may be culturally relevant, you just know the zombie war will result in a lot of acoustic let’s-never-forget crap.

3) Uninhibited natural selection! The law of the jungle dictates that only the strong will survive. And that doesn’t mean strong-willed. That jock from high school? He made it out. And he’s a decorated war hero.

4) Death is boring! There was a time when brutal murder was an exciting thing, the kind of idea that could spawn an amazing title track. But much like chocolate or tequila, too much can put you off. Ugh, Jesus, not more unholy carnage. Someone just put some fucking Portishead on.

5) Sexiness no longer exists! Sure, there’ll be a burst of instinct-spawned fucking when the panic first sets in, but after that, it’s just nightmares and the scent of stinking flesh. You nuzzle your girl’s hair and all you smell is decayed eyelid. Gross.

6) The clean-up! The good news is, the human race overcame its undead attackers. The bad news is that there are now mountains of corpses everywhere. Here’s a pitchfork.

 

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