Revolver Writer Chris Krovatin Presents…The Grimmys!

Chris Krovatin is the author of two young adult novels, Heavy Metal & Youand Venomous. He is currently working on multiple new writing projects, as well as new material with his local New York metal band Flaming Tusk for which he goes by the name Stolas Trephinator. He is a freelance writer forRevolver and generally comes off as a good-natured pain in everyone’s collective ass.

Blackest evening to you all, succubi and frost-warriors, and welcome to this year’s Grimmy Awards. I’m your host, Stolas Trephinator. We’ve got a spectacular night planned for you here at the Bergen Best Western. There’ll be animal sacrifices, human sacrifices, human-on-animal sacrifices, and of course, loads of unholy musical warfare.

As we all know, the Grimmys celebrates those artists in death and black metal who have proven themselves true soldiers in Night’s Army. We here in the Black Circle feel that in a genre of music so plagued by weekender dickheads, poser assholes, and prophets of false metal, it’s our duty to take a moment and honor those who use their extreme music, public persona, and capacity for blasphemy to leave a smoldering hoofprint on the face of music. Without these artists, metal music would descend into a mall-friendly Hell of crushed velvet jacket-wearing assholes and jewelry-obsessed mall metallers. Fie on it, we say! Metal is war, and extremity is our weapon.

We ask award-winners to refrain from weeping openly, as that is some total poser shit, and we had trouble cleaning the greasepaint off of the podium last year. We’d like to thank Gaahl for the pickled herring. And now…this year’s Grimmy Awards!

Grimmest Album: Ash Pool, For Which He Plies the Lash – New York’s own Ash Pool win this one with their bleak and melodic epic of darkness and domination. With it’s moaned vocals and strung-out guitars, this album brings that old-school Scandinavian pitch-burble like none other.

Most Virulent Hatred of Humankind: Misery Index, Heirs to Thievery
– Old-school death metal fans rejoiced in 2010 to hear this vicious slab of utter misanthropy. We like our death metal like our women—fast, violent, and full of unspeakable hatred.

Finest Return to Form: 1349, Demonoir – After ill-advisedly experimenting in ambient drone music on their last album, 1349 returned with their frostiest aural assault to date. Obviously, Ravn & Co. got their shit together.

Darkest Use of Horns: Sigh, Scenes From Hell – Like a brass band caught in the maw of the Warbeast of Ur, Sigh’s explosive use of horn and saxophone only furthers their sonic insanity. Hail to Japan, weirdest of metal nations!

Most Diabolical Live Band: Watain
–This Swedish three-piece take the time to kill pigeons and drench themselves in their blood before a show. That’s the kind of honest depravity that a lot of corpse-painters could learn from. Hail Satan!

Most Terrifying New Talent: Wormrot – For many, 2010 was an introduction to Singapore’s chief merchants of mind-ravaging grindcore. Their upcoming full-length, Dirge, is easily one of our most anticipated albums of 2011. One expects it will sound like a poorly-cut snuff film.

Most Genuine Devil Worship: Electric Wizard – Something about Electric Wizard’s weed-heavy Lovecraft-inspired Satanism seems perfectly genuine. Though their music is slow, their power is strong.

Loudest Laugher in the Face of Death: Nergal of Behemoth – The frontman to Poland’s foremost blackened death merchants overcame bone marrow cancer this year. One assumes it’s hard to wrestle the grim reaper in a vinyl dress, but hey, I’m not Nergal.

Sickest Chemical Dependency: Nachtmystium – Any suburban jackass can declare themselves grim. It takes true warriors of the abyss to get totally strung out on coke and become one of the biggest touring bands in metal. Hail.

Unholiest Comback: Autopsy – With their five-song EP, The Tomb Within, Autopsy introduced the youngsters of today to a brand doom-hued brutality thought lost by many metal scholars.

Lifetime Achievement: Tom Gabriel Fischer
– For his work in Hellhammer, Celtic Frost, and Triptykon, the Warrior himself earns our eternal respect. May all of the forces of Hell treat him as god and king. UGH!

Biggest Asshole: Varg Vikernes – I don’t believe this, again?

 

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  • Ryan

    how is it hard to believe Varg got ‘biggest asshole’? i find it extremely plausible.