Final Six: Slayer at the Golden Gods Edition

Chris Krovatin is the author of three young adult novels, Heavy Metal & You, Venomous, and Gravediggers: Mountain of Bones. He is currently working on multiple new writing projects, as well as new material with his local New York metal band Flaming Tusk. He is a contributing writer for Revolver and generally comes off as a good-natured pain in everyone’s collective ass. This column represents his opinions–and probably only his opinions.

First things first, an announcement: if Slayer win the Revolver Golden God Award for Most Dedicated Fans, I will get a Slayer tattoo. I will allow Revolver Readers to vote on which design I get, and I will post a video of me getting it. You can hold me to this. So Slayer fans: Get voting.

Let’s take a look at the bands in the Most Dedicated Fans category of the Revolver Golden Gods. We have Pop-Punk Worshipping Something-Core, we have Metal’s One-Time Brightest Hope Who Are Now Basically Nickelback, we have Jock Party, we have Unexceptional Screamo Band Named After An Exceptional Novel, we have The Taylor Momsen Runny Eyeliner Hour…and we have Slayer, the greatest extreme-metal band of all time. The fact that these other bands, and their fans, are up against Slayer, is absolutely ridiculous. We all know Slayer, and their legions of rabid followers, deserve this award.

But, as a noted metal journalist recently mentioned to me, it’s the teeny-boppers who stay up all night clicking ‘Vote’ over and over again, and not all of them are as versed in Slayer as moi. So I figured I’d weigh in here and tell everyone, teeny-boppers, and old thrasher fucks alike, the Six Reasons Why Slayer Should Win The Most Dedicated Fans Award, and the Six Reasons Why These Other Bands Shouldn’t.

The Six Reasons Why Slayer Should Win The Golden God For Most Dedicated Fans

  1. Slayer have been doing it forever: It’s tough to gather a legion of dedicated fans. It’s even tougher to be doing it for as many years as Slayer have been doing it. These guys have been firing up the masses for three-plus decades now, and remain kings within their field, with more fans signing on every year.
  2. Slayer fans have been dedicated without mainstream help: I’ve seen all of the other bands on this list featured on MTV and other major mainstream outlets. Until 2001′s God Hates Us All, Slayer saw little to no mainstream music industry support. Their fanbase has remained dedicated in the underground, happy with the music and not needing any of the rock star glitz.
  3. Slayer fans are more rabid live than any of these fans: I’ve seen some of the bands listed above, and I’ve never, ever, seen a crowd at their shows go half as crazy as a Slayer crowd does. When Slayer fans hear Slayer, they put their very flesh and blood into it. Dedication is proven through rabid fandom, not the amount of merch or publicity a band has.
  4. Slayer fans do self-mutilation right: Slayer fans were cutting on camera before any other fans, and they weren’t just marking their bodies, they were carving the Slayer logo into their arms and heads. And I bet there are more Slayer tattoos than there are tattoos for all of these bands combined. Spill the blood.
  5. Slayer’s fanbase is solid the world over: Yes, American teens may prefer some of these bands over Slayer, but if you hosted two shows across from each other in any other country in the world, one featuring Slayer and one featuring any of these bands, we all know who’d have the larger crowd. Slayer’s fans are dedicated worldwide. Slayer is the international language.
  6. They’re fucking Slayer: Look at all the bands listed in this category. Which of them wrote Reign In Blood? What about South of Heaven and Seasons In The Abyss? Yeah, exactly.

The Six Reasons These Other Bands  SHOULDN’T Win The Golden God For Most Dedicated Fans

  1. A Day To Remember: I know plenty of people who love this band, but I can’t see them headlining Wacken. Fact of the matter is, A Day To Remember are a really solid opening band, across the board. The most dedicated fan bases are the ones that spread like wildfire.
  2. Avenged Sevenfold: This is the only band on this list who is truly in any way suited to stand up against Slayer. Their fan base is rabid, intense…but young, and changing. I know plenty of people who were massive A7X fans who fell off as the band went less metal, more hard rock. Give them another decade to solidify their presence further, and who knows. For now, Slayer wins.
  3. Five Finger Death Punch: See both entries above. Five Finger’s fans are into them, but I’ve never seen them take charge of a truly massive crowd, and many of their fans I know like or dislike them from album to album. They just haven’t proved they have the staying power that Slayer does.
  4. Of Mice & Men: I’ll be perfectly honest, I don’t know a goddamn thing about this band’s fan base…and that’s just the problem. Everyone knows that Slayer fans are crazily dedicated, because their displays of dedication to Slayer are so fucking nutty and over-the-top that they make the news. Of Mice & Men…well, they’re emo-core, right? And they have hoodies? And folks, mostly younger emo-core fans, like them. I do know people like them. But that’s about it.
  5. The Pretty Reckless: I guess someone must really like this band, because they’re still around, but honestly, do you know anyone who’s fucking bananas for The Pretty Reckless? Anyone who has multiple Pretty Reckless tattoos? The only time I ever hear about this band is in relation to their attractive singer. This one’s filler, if you ask me.
  6. Slayer: The primary reason these other bands shouldn’t beat Slayer for this award is that they are not Slayer, and their fans are not Slayer fans, and fucking SLAAAAAAYEEEEER.

 

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