Final Six: The Six Most Metal Saints/Porn Stars

Chris KrovatinChris Krovatin is the author of two young adult novels, Heavy Metal & You and Venomous. He is currently working on multiple new writing projects, as well as new material with his local New York metal band Flaming Tusk. He is a contributing writer for Revolver and generally comes off as a good-natured pain in everyone’s collective ass.

I love old religion. Raised Irish Catholic, I was from an early age enamored with the grandiose power of old Christian art, specifically the depictions of saints. These holy men were usually martyrs, and so they’re often represented as bearing the awesome devices involved with their violent demises—you get roasted, so you carry a grill; you get your teeth knocked out, you sport pliers. Sure, I love seeing Jesus get his through the Stations, and I’m always down for a woodcut of a hellmouth, but the saints have a weird superheroic quality to them. They’re the rock stars of faith, and that’s pretty metal.

What my Catholic upbringing has also instilled in me is a love for freaky, hardcore sex. From schoolgirl uniforms to water torture, my preferences for filth are broad, unorthodox, and entirely shameful. Thankfully, there are people out there who tackle these urges, creating filth so that I don’t have to: porn stars. These mavens of fantasy hold sway the collected loins of the world with almost vampiric power, changing our understanding of What Gets Us Going with their every smile and strut. So to recognize the main figures of my faith, both religious and extremely secular, I present to you my list of the Six Most Metal Saints and the Six Most Metal Porn Stars. Say seven Hail Marys after reading it, and maybe you won’t go blind.

The Six Most Metal Saints

  1. Bartholomew the Apostle Bartholomew (pictured, right) is the patron saint of tanners, meaning he’s God’s watchman over metal’s most vital raw material: leather. More importantly, he obtained this position because he was skinned alive. That’s right—dude’s depicted as walking around draped in his own skin. That shit’s raw.
  2. Margaret of Antioch After being tortured and imprisoned for refusing to marry some pagan king, Margaret was visited by Satan in the form of a dragon. But when he devoured her, the huge cross she carried fucked with his stomach, and she managed to tear free. She chick gave the Devil indigestion. Brass balls on this broad.
  3. Catherine of Alexandria Catherine’s sometimes known as Catherine of the Wheel, and is often depicted walking around with a hunk of spiked wheel. Because after being tortured for ages, she was strapped to and martyred on a giant spiked wheel. I think Vital Remains wrote this song.
  4. Denis When most martyrs get beheaded, they lay down and die. Not Denis. Denis picked up his head and walked for six miles, preaching all the way. Patron saint of headaches (fucking hilarious), he’s definitely the spookiest saint, depicted as walking around his head under his arms. Rob Zombie, eat your heart out.
  5. Lucy Patron saint of the blind, Lucy was tortured by having her eyes gouged out, which is unto itself pretty fucking gnarly. What’s cooler is how she’s depicted—a sweet-looking woman with a sword and a tray with her eyes on it. At least the blind don’t have to look at this creepy biblical figure. Shudder.
  6. Dunstan A weird ascetic monk covered in swelling tumors, Dunstan was once visited by the Devil on a weary night. Rather than be tempted, Dunstan yanked his silversmithing tongs from the fire and held Satan by the nose until he begged for his freedom. That is gangster. Got your nose, bitch!

The Six Most Metal Porn Stars

  1. Sasha Grey Not only had Sasha Grey (pictured, right) gone from making some of the most hardcore porno out there to starring in Steven Soderbergh films, she’s also a member of experimental industrial goth band aTelecine and an avowed metalhead who has DJ’d the after party of Swans concerts. Plus, she’s done interviews for Roadrunner Records on the Revolver Golden Gods Black Carpet. Porn, noise, and a season of Entourage under her belt—what have you done today?
  2. Joanna Angel Queen of punk-rock porno, Joanna’s company Burning Angel has taken alt porn to new heights (and lows), forsaking the softcore antics of Suicide Girls in exchange for real good tattoo- and piercing- and hairdye-saturated filth. It doesn’t hurt that she is a smoking hot mousey punk-rock porn-star herself, but the stable of women she works with is every metalhead’s wet dream.
  3. Belladonna Throughout all of history, gap-toothed women are presented as nothing but trouble (think Chaucer’s Wife of Bath). Case in point, Belladonna, an ever-evolving dream of a sex goddess defined by her penchant for the extreme and her gapped front teeth. Even talking about her is… I’ll be back in five.
  4. Nina Hartley Heavy metal exists in a time warp, where modern underground acts can easily open for legendary veterans. That’s why Nina Hartley’s on this list: She’s been doing it for almost 30 years, and still does it today, and she’s still hot as hell. If she were a band, she’d be Motörhead.
  5. Mei Mara You think you’re kinky? Own some handcuffs, a blindfold with “Sssh” embroidered on it? You’re clown shoes, pal. You’d get a 3 out of 10 in the face-slapping contest. Mei Mara’s sex life is an uncompromising insane asylum where madness makes living dolls quiver and metal pronged-agony is the truest form of love. You ever listen to Today Is The Day? Like that, only sexier.
  6. Bridget the Midget She’s a hard-rocking little person whose had more sex than you’ll ever rub one out to. Need I say more?

 

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  • http://www.facebook.com/ur1baddog2 Randy McGrath

    how can you leave Jasmin St. Claire off this list ? your list is invalid with out her…..
     Metal’s Darkside don’t just kill it Murders !!!

  • http://www.flamingtusk.com Zosimus

    Supposedly Michaelangelo used his own face as the model for the face on the skin that Bartholomew is carrying around.

  • http://twitter.com/EconWarInst Economic Warfare Ins

    nothing better than beer coffee plastic sticks and loud metal with a naked woman all wet.