Final Six: The Six Most Metal Serial Killers/Cereal Characters
Chris “Sugar Bear” Krovatin is the author of two young adult novels, Heavy Metal & You and Venomous. He is currently working on multiple new writing projects, as well as new material with his local New York metal band Flaming Tusk. He is a freelance writer for Revolver and generally comes off as a good-natured pain in everyone’s collective ass.
Dig ‘Em’s frog arm was caught in a sling, so he needed help loading his armchair into his windowless van. When we were finished, he asked if I could come down the road with him, help him load it out. I was in the front seat for maybe five seconds before he slapped the handcuffs on me. I asked what was happening, where we were going, and he said, in that low, ribbity voice, “You ain’t going anywhere.” He took off his hat and ran his webbed hand over his smooth green head, sighed real loud, and then pulled a 12-inch Buck knife out from under his seat. “We’re gon’ have some fun,” he whispered.
As Tom Araya says when asked how the frontman of Slayer can be a Christian: We may never agree on what’s right, but we all know when something is wrong. And if your human machine is working, you know what’s wrong about serial killers. These men (and occasionally women), driven mad with the compulsion to kill, are the human beings who life failed big time, their misguided lust and frustration leading to acts of indescribable violence. Coming in at a close second in utter wrongness, though, are breakfast cereal mascots. Just one look in the hollow eyes of those corporate mishaps lets you understand the true face of honey-bunched madness. So to pit these two schools of unspeakable monsters against each other, here is my list of the Six Most Metal Serial Killers and Cereal Characters.
The Six Most Metal Serial Killers:
1) Andrei Chikatilo Most people have never heard of the Ripper of Rostov, mainly because his existence was denied by the Russian government for years, serial killers being a result of capitalism’s decadence. Anyway, this dude stab-fucked runaways in the woods and ate parts of their junk, and had a body count in the 50s. We may have won the Space Race, but the Commies beat us in the Peel Off Your Face Race.
2) Ted Bundy What makes Ted Bundy metal is what a fucking yuppie he was. Sure, it’s unmetal to be a yuppie if you’re just a douchebag, but if that polished veneer hides a brutal sexual sadist, then yeah, I think that counts. Plus: van murder. Keeping it real.
3) H.H. Holmes At the 1893 World’s Fair in Chicago, this diabolical con man built a hotel that swallowed between 27 and 250 weary souls via secret passageways, trap doors, lime pits, and gas lines. Then he’d pawn their goods, strip their skeletons, and sell ‘em to hospitals. Dude was all about the paper.
4) John Wayne Gacy Look, Gacy’s the most predictable serial killer type—fat, corn-fed American guy whose closeted homosexuality came out in brutal homoerotic assaults. But shit, man, he was the clown, the original Evil Clown, and his body count was up there—33, wasn’t it? Can’t deny JWG.
5) Carl Panzram Never heard of him? Oh man. Panzram put the “brute” in “brutality,” with a trail of 20-something dead bodies and over a thousand acts of forced sodomy in his wake. This dude was no creeper in the shadows, he was a full-on beast. Woe be to poor souls and buttholes near Carl Panzram.
6) Ed Gein So Ed only killed three people—not impressive, I know. But it’s his legacy of exhumation, necrophilia, and ghoulish hoarding that makes him so damn metal. Dude dances with the dead in his dreams. No frontin’.
The Six Most Metal Cereal Characters:
1) Count Chocula First off, he’s a motherfucking vampire. Second, he’s had to endure an un-life with only one fang. Third, his cereal is almost repulsively delicious and addictive. He’s an undead pusher made of fucking chocolate. Accept no substitutes.
2) Lucky the Leprechaun It’s a well-known fact that leprechauns are drunk all day, every day, and Lucky is no different, swilling pint after pint of lager as he stumbles away from children waiting for him to pass out and relinquish his precious cereal. His original marshmallow ideas were yellow beers, green bottles, brown vomit puddles, and black and blue wives.
3) Sugar Bear He can’t get enough of the Sugar Crisp. You know why? Look at his eyes. This bear is high as shit. He realized midway through burning one and listening to Sleep’s Holy Mountain that he was supposed to be on a box somewhere and came running in chewing gum he bought at the subway station.
4) Cap’N Crunch Day six aboard the HMS Crunch. The rest of the crew and I have begun to grow wary. The Captain—he will not let us pronounce the “T”—has gone mad. He waves his sword errantly, speaks day in, day out, of an isle of peanut butter we will soon reach. Tempers wear thin, madness creeps upon us.
5) Crazy Craving (a.k.a. Me Want Honeycomb) We all know that deep inside every one of us is a sneaker-clad puffball with a wolf’s face, zipping around with infernal hunger. What that Craving is for, we can only guess. (I mean, we all know yours is cocaine, you’re not doing a good job hiding it, man, we saw you at the club last week with that nosebleed.)
6) Mikey That motherfucker doesn’t like anything. He’s so necro.