Final Six: The Six Most/Least Metal Plays

Chris “Can You Put Me on the List?” Krovatin is the author of two young adult novels, Heavy Metal & You and Venomous. He is currently working on multiple new writing projects, as well as new material with his local New York metal band Flaming Tusk. He is a freelance writer for Revolver and generally comes off as a good-natured pain in everyone’s collective ass.

A Queens apartment, midday. An office, small, faintly smelling of genitals. The walls hang with framed heavy-metal posters. A bookshelf piled high with records and coffee table books about morbid shit sits in the middle of the room. CHRIS KROVATIN, mid-20s, doughy, bad skin, sits at his desk, strewn with notes, CDs, lighters. Chris wears a pair of boxers with beer kegs on them and a Slayer shirt with a hole in it. He taps his finger nervously on his battered laptop. Silence. Chris runs his hand through his hair and utters a single line:

CHRIS: (grouchily) Brandon fucking Geist, fucking lists…

Chris leans into his computer. He picks at a bit of dried skin on his cheek, and then begins typing furiously…

Trust me: If it’s done right, theater is awesome. Movies are cool, but there’s nothing quite like the spectacle of live performers onstage, especially if those performers are mutilating each other or getting nude for your amusement (though it should be noted that going to Private Eyes Gentlemen’s Club is not theater). However, there’s a reason we think of plays as stuffy overdone nonsense, and that’s because many of them are. So for the discerning thespian (and her legally-joined life partner—wait, sorry), here is my list of the Six Most/Least Metal Plays.

The Six Most Metal Plays:

Motherfucking HAMLET in this bitch.

Hamlet smashed face

1) William Shakespeare, Titus Andronicus What do we have? Disembowelment, rape, torture, mutilation, infanticide, filicide, decapitation, and oh, yeah, a nice healthy dose of cannibalism at the end. The Bard did it best.

2) Euripides, The Bacchae This is the tale of Dionysus, Greek god of booze (you’re hard motherfuckers if you have a deity for hooch), sending a crew of insane bitches to tear a dude to pieces. The old blind shemale is the only character who doesn’t get messed with in this play.

3) Doug Wright, Quills This modern masterpiece tells the story of the Marquis de Sade’s terrifying final days at the Charenton Asylum. A priest cuts out the Marquis’ tongue towards the end, then cuts off his dick. The stuff leading up to that? Way worse. So…

4) Maurice Level, The Final Kiss This play, written for the classic French splatter-theater the Grand Guignol, might be the first case of a play where a man disfigures a woman with acid onstage. You never know, with those Greeks…

5) Georg Büchner, Woyzeck Anyone down to watch an army officer get cuckolded and experimented on until he falls into a state of insane desperation and murders his wife? Anyone? No? Just me and Opeth, right? OK.

6) Antonin Artaud, Jet Of Blood Physics-defying falling limbs. God bleeding everywhere. A woman’s vagina swarming with scorpions. You better believe a fucking Frenchman wrote this two-minute masterpiece.

The Six Least Metal Plays:

1) Various, Free To Be…You And Me Adapted from a children’s book and album in 1972, this love-era performance piece teaches the tenants of life, love, and equality. Lame. Put a wargoat somewhere in there.

2) William Gibson, The Miracle Worker This adaptation of Helen Keller’s autobiography tells of one Annie Sullivan, a hardened Irishwoman who taught the deaf, blind, and dumb child to speak. Unfortunately, it was written in 1957, when being risky or realistic in theater was tantamount to Communism. WAAWAAAH!

3) Catherine Johnson, Mamma Mia! The only musical on this list (it’s easy to call musicals non-metal—they’re generally campy as fuck), this British tour de force based on the songs of ABBA is…well, there you have it.

4) Oscar Wilde, The Importance Of Being Earnest Leave it to a gay man to make romance this obnoxiously boring. Full of slow-moving hijinks and muddled Britishisms, Earnest will forever be the play that men are dragged to by their girlfriends. Trust me—I’ve been there.

5) William Shakespeare, The Merry Wives Of Windsor Shakespeare’s only romantic farce sees him take Falstaff, one of his finest characters, and make him lame. No murder, and very little ribaldry. Not this time, Billy-Shake.

6) Jay Presson Allen, Tru It’s a two-act one-man show about Truman Capote in a hotel room. I’d rather nail my dick to a Doberman.

 

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