Final Six: The Six Most/Least Metal Times in Human History
Chris “Slacks” Krovatin is the author of two young adult novels, Heavy Metal & You and Venomous. He is currently working on multiple new writing projects, as well as new material with his local New York metal band Flaming Tusk. He is a freelance writer for Revolver and generally comes off as a good-natured pain in everyone’s collective ass.
Nothing is more metal than time. Time defines us, shapes us, gives us the basis for everything we have. Without time, there is no past to smile or shake our heads at, no future to grasp for or fear, and no now in which we can be (deep, Chris). The time in which humanity has existed is a double-edged sword—on the one hand, so many epic events have taken place in the 50,000-odd years that we’ve ruled this globe; on the other, our entire existence is a blink of an eye in the universal scale. But it’s safe to say that during the Human Age, many things have happened that have been pretty fucking metal. Blood has been spilled, lives have been won and lost, and riffs have been chugged. Awesome.
Sadly, things have not always been so killer. At certain crossroads in history, humanity has randomly decided to become an obnoxious bitch-fest full of poor fashion choices and ridiculous etiquette. Assholes have dictated what is cool, and many times that involved wearing slacks. And if you’ve just bought your first time machine (or you’re borrowing Dad’s for prom), you don’t want to accidentally end up landing during a time period where Whist is considered a bloodsport. So here, Mrs. Frizzle, is my list of the Six Most and Least Metal Times In Human History.*
The Six Most Metal Times In History:
1) The Roman Empire (Approx. 27 BC – 476 AD) During the longest societal reign in all of history, the Caesars owned most of the world, building themselves an era of knowledge, industry, and pure insanity the likes of which the world has never seen, until maybe now (and guess what happened to Rome?!).
2) The Black Death (Approx. 1345 – 1400 AD) Killing approximately 450 million people (fuck!), the greatest period of disease known to man brought our race to its knees, with people turning to torture, self-mutilation, and religious mania as a cure. And you know why? Because of fleas. It’s always the small ones that get you.
3) The French Revolution (1789 – 1799 AD) Sometimes the rich get way too rich, and they eat swan and sturgeon at every meal. And sometimes the poor get way too poor and eat mud and die. And sometimes the universe sorts itself out with fire, violence, and a little device called the Guillotine. History is balance.
4) World War II (1939 – 1945 AD) With approximately 70-million casualties behind it, the Second World War reinvented our understanding or corruption, genocide, and hatred. It also introduced the world to one of its greatest villain, an apocalyptic racist who sent droves of mad dog soldiers into heights of depravity hereto unknown. So, yeah…
5) The Industrialization of Birmingham, England (1770 – 1860 AD) While less outwardly brutal than the other examples in this list, there are six words that make this time in England historically metal: Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Napalm Death. Oh yeah, you heard.
6) The Apocalypse What do you mean it hasn’t happened yet? Dude, look out your window. Ride the bus sometime. We’re soaking in it!
The Six Least Metal Times In History:
1) The Victorian Era (1837 AD – 1901 AD) Oh man, you know England needs? Less sexuality! And what if we all lived by an overly rigid code of morals and ethics that led us to believe our reputations were far more important than our happiness? Being a human being never felt so terribly unnatural.
2) The Renaissance (Approx. 1400 AD – 1600 AD) Look, after the plague and the Middle Ages, the Renaissance must’ve been awesome—it just wasn’t terribly metal. There’s art and science and hope everywhere…I’m just not seeing it.
3) The Enlightenment (Approx. 1650 AD – 1789 AD) Sure, this era did see the snake of religion being stomped by the boot of thought, but this entire social and philosophical discovery lacked any drama. I mean, come on, gravity? I’m supposed to get excited because we discovered gravity? Bring on Napoleon, that irrational little fucker!
4) America In The 1950s 1950s American society was a world of economic oversaturation and witch hunt-style hatred of anything different. How bad was it? The responses to it were the Civil Rights Movement and the Hippie Era. You can’t use that many primary colors all the time without a serious backlash.
5) The Ages Of Discovery (15th Century AD – 17th Century AD) At last, we’ve made contact with much of the globe! Look—Africa! Asia! The New World! What should we do first…oh, I know! Murder! Slavery! Smallpox! Thank God we showed up to your little country!
6) The Late 1990s When “metal” was a dirty word. When a band needed a rapper of some kind to get big. Dark ages? You have no idea.
*The author would like to acknowledge that the Most Metal Time In Inhuman History was, is, and ever shall be the Age Of Dinosaurs. Anyone who says otherwise is a fucking Communist.