Executive Editor Brandon Geist’s quick takes on the shitload of new albums hitting record stores on this day of our lord, May 13, 2008:

B’S PICK: Abysmal Dawn - Programmed to Consume (Relapse)



Kickass technical yet melodic death metal from the city of angels. In his review in Revolver’s July issue (out May 20), Jon Wiederhorn describes it as “straddling the razor wire between Morbid Angel and At the Gates,” which rings pretty true with me. Honestly though, the only song I’ve been listening to is the awesome slowed-down and doomy “The Descent”—over and over again.

10 Years - Division (Universal)


This record has been delayed so many times I can’t say I’m even sure it’s actually out today. But if it is, it’s full of solid Chevelle/Incubus-esque radio rock.

Aletheian - Dying Vine (Metal Blade)


Head-spinning progressive death metal from Lebanon…Pennsylvania. Which may not be as brutal as the Middle Eastern country, but having grown up in Bumfuck, PA, myself, I can say that it is pretty fucking brutal. Hence the Cynic-al death metal.

Burzum - Anthology (Candlelight)


Now that Rage Against the Machine are back together, I think Zack, Tom, Tim, and Brad need to stop worrying about getting political prisoners like Mumia Abu-Jamal outta jail and start working on the release of inmates who matter—to me. I’m talking specifically about Burzum’s Varg Vikernes. This dude needs to be sprung from the clink ASAP, if only so he can shut down all the overrated miserablists like Xasthur who keep winning hipster praises by ripping off his shit. Until then, you can enjoy this best-of bootleg collection, some of the profits of which go to the All Germanic Heathen Front program, whatever the fuck that is.

Coalesce - 012:2 (Relapse)


The finest and final album from these mathcore rawkers, now remastered and reissued. Essential if you don’t own the record already, and maybe even if you do.

Coldworker - Rotting Paradise (Relapse)



Decent death/grind from the new band featuring Anders Jakobson, the former drummer of defunct blast masters Nasum. Better than Coldworker’s first; not as good as Nasum.

Warrel Dane - Praises to the War Machine (Century Media)



If you love Seattle power metallers Nevermore, then you should love this solo album from the band’s vocalist. If you don’t like Nevermore (as I don’t), then paraphrase the raven and just say no.

Deicide - Till Death Do Us Part (Earache)



Glen Benton for president, indeed—as the patches that come with this record’s special edition advocate. His first order as commander in chief? Probably to abolish marriage, judging from the anti-matrimony vitriol spilled on this record.

Emmure - The Respect Issue (Victory)



Mosh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fall of Serenity - The Crossfire (Lifeforce)


New album from these German thrashy death heads. Good shit, and they hate Nazis, which is good, too. But their English? Not so good. This recent post on their MySpace page demonstrates both: “There shoud be no place for rascism, fasiscm and antisemitism in Metal just as anywhere.
That doesn't mean necessarily to be very political as in fact using your fuckin brain.
And for every ‘nazi-tollerant-Metal-is-non-political’-fucker out there: 
Feel free to delete us from your friendslist. We don't want your support.
To the rest: Metal up your ass and and ‘bang against the hakenkreuz’!”

Filter - Anthems for the Damned (Pulse Recordings/Fontana)


What the hell happened to Filter? “Hey Man, Nice Shot,” the leadoff song/single from their debut album, Short Bus, ruled so hard, but everything since has pretty much just gotten progressively pussier and pussier. Maybe Richard Patrick’s brother Robert (a.k.a. the T-1000 in Terminator 2) needs to bully him around a little and get the angst and rage flowing again.

Hail of Bullets - Of Frost and War (Metal Blade)


Debut from these Dutch old-school death-metal clog-stompers. Think Bolt Thrower, Autopsy, and Pestilence.

Korn - Live at Montreux DVD (Eagle Rock)



Korn’s original lineup shows why the band never really needed extra dudes in animal masks to sound ginormous. Watch the clip on the RevolverMag.com homepage, and you’ll see what I mean.

Lordi - Get Heavy (The End)



Munster metallers Lordi, the biggest thing outta Finland since, uh, Nokia phones, re-release their debut full-length. Expect lots of Kiss-molesting big-rock sing-alongs like the smash hit “Would You Love a Monsterman?”

Novembers Doom - Amid Its Hallowed Mirth and Of Sculptured Ivy and Stone Flowers (The End)



Reissues of the first two albums from these long-running Chicago doomsayers.

Stick to Your Guns - Comes From the Heart (Century Media)



Sing-along old-school hardcore plus new-school mosh parts from this much-buzzed-about O.C. five-piece. Check ’em out on the Hardcore News page of Revolver’s July issue, out next Tuesday.

Transistor Transistor - Ruined Lives (Level Plane)


Burly New England post-hardcore, thicker and stickier than maple syrup, hotter and more filling than the pancakes underneath. (Yeah, I’ve lost it…)

Venomous Concept - Poisoned Apple (Century Media)


Head Melvin King Buzzo is no longer with this old-school hardcore supagroup, leaving it with just members of Napalm Death and Brutal Truth, and only one ’Fro (NP bassist/VC guitarist Shane Embury’s). These guys still hail at the altar of Poison Idea though. Pig Champion, R.I.P.

Zodiak - Sermons (Translation Loss)
With Tool frontman Maynard James Keenan busy with Puscifer, winemaking, and who knows what else, and A Perfect Circle songwriter-guitarist Billy Howerdel going solo with Ashes dIVIDE, APC may well be no more. Which makes it, yes, the perfect time for members of Balbao, Rosetta, Javelina, and Slacks to start a band that sounds almost exactly like Keenan and Howerdel’s collab.

As the Revolver Photo Director and proud owner of a vagina, I feel more than qualified to offer up honest, raw, and unadulterated advice regarding all things related to sex, the female body, and relationships. So, all you metalhead freaks out there, please email me your most dire, dirty, sick, and twisted questions about women and the way we work, from our emotional hearts to our even more complicated parts. Girls are also welcome to fire off some questions; I’m sure the guys reading my blog would love to hear what’s on your mind as well. Email me at revolvher@gmail.com

Dear RevolvHer,
My girlfriend cries sometimes after we have sex. Like right after she comes. She gets all weepy and when I ask her what’s wrong she says, “Nothing, sex just makes me emotional”. It especially happens after we do it doggy style. I am just wondering, since you seem to know about women stuff, does this mean that something bad happened to her sexually in the past? Or is she lying about something being wrong? The whole thing kinda ruins the mood.
Alex

Hey Alex,
I love getting emails like this from guys, because I get to see how all the crazy shit that we women do in the sack can be misconstrued. I have definitely welled up with tears after a great orgasm, especially when I am deeply in love with the guy I am fucking. I usually let my man know that it is his gorgeous cock that brought on my torrent of tears and not something more cryptic, in order to avoid sending him running for the hills, so I can see how your girlfriend’s lack of information might have you a bit freaked. There are multiple reasons why a woman might cry after sex. I am not inside your gal’s head, so I can’t rule out the worst-case scenarios, but I can help break down the various biological and emotional reasons why this could be totally normal and might not be anything to get all wiggy about.

When women have an orgasm, they release hormones that can trigger various emotional highs and lows, from tears to elation. As we all know, hormones are really powerful chemicals, and when they surge through the body they can create rapid-fire effects, like instant PMS directly after a beautiful orgasm, for example. Hopefully, if you have spent some time with a PMS’ing woman, you can understand why that onslaught of post-orgasmic hormonal raging could inspire some major emoting.

A good post-coital cry can also be the result of the release of pent-up tension that comes from a really strong full-body orgasm. A sexual climax is one of the best ways to release both physical and emotional stress. Sometimes it can be such a massive physical release that your girl can end up in a crumpled ball of tears, clutching onto your chest for dear life. You should feel very proud of yourself if you can rock her to the core like this and turn her into a full-on basket case with your sweet lovin’. In fact, this should always be your goal. For some tips, see my previous RevolvHer advice blogs on G-Spot stimulation!

If it actually is the worst-case scenario, that something terrible did happen in your girlfriend’s sexual past and the sex you are having now is triggering bad associations for her and causing her to cry, then it is really up to her to be honest with you—and with herself—if she ever truly wants to enjoy real intimacy in your relationship. But for now, just try to have faith that what she has told you is the truth; that nothing is wrong, and sex just makes her emotional. Her tears are a perfectly normal reaction to the sweet pounding you are giving her, so obviously you should just keep laying that rock-hard pipe!
xxx
RevolvHer

All right, first things first, I’m going to start off with my personal highlight of this week. Our little buddy Darren had a long, rough night of excessive drinking and narcotics—he stayed awake for 24 hours of nonstop partying (which later turned into a 38-hour binge). His body decided to crash in the lawn in front of the hotel we were staying at on our day off. He passed out for hours with the sun blaring into his face. We tried waking him up and moving him, but he completely wasn’t having it. He woke up completely sunburnt, to the point where when he smiled it physically hurt. Congratulations Darren, you win the award for the hardest partier of the entire tour. These pictures are not staged; this is a dude literally trashed and crashed with us pointing and laughing at him. Nice farmer's tan bro:

Urban Camping

Failure! Failure!

Charn, our drummer, has had some bad luck on this tour. I guess in reality he always has bad luck; I would honestly stay away from him in case it could rub off on you. We recently played the Palladium in Massachusetts, and the damned drum monitor fell on him while we were playing. The 50-to-80-pound speaker fell on him, causing his entire drum kit to collapse on top of him while we were playing. The bastard’s a dreamcatcher of bad luck. You know what, Charn? You deserve it for being a dick (I know you read these damned things, you fucker). In an attempt to make himself feel better, he now does beer bongs onstage while playing at the awkward shows of the tour. A hidden talent! Who would have known!

Chug it, fucker!

We just played Columbus, Ohio, with In Flames on an off-date. The venue was smack dab in the middle of a college town; we were surrounded by frat houses and people attempting to do something with their miserable lives. As soon as we got there we watched a bunch of dudes in their underwear doing beer bongs from second-story buildings to the front lawn of the house. (I’m sure their parents would be proud that they dropped all the cash for their education.) Well, after the show, our guitarists Bobby and Ravi, our tour manager, and a friend went to one of these frat houses and got completely wasted. Just like every goddamned teenage movie, the cops came, leaving a swarm of 100 people running for their lives for whatever reason. Hey man, maybe the cops just wanted to party, too.

Random…and awkward party picture

Well, since I’ve updated you on the tour, I’ll take you back now—a fucking flashback! On Radio Rebellion we were sharing a bus with Behemoth. Wash your goddamned armor, you fucks! They literally smell like shit, ugh! We miss those Polish dudes, even if they do frequently smell funky. Anyway, there is an unwritten rule on any bus: You fall asleep anywhere with your shoes on outside your bunk, YOU WILL BE FUCKED WITH. Well, obviously Behemoth are nice and cute with their makeup and outfits, so our tour manager fell asleep in the front lounge...and they proceeded to make him pretty with a couple of permanent Sharpie markers. Congratulations: You got a sweet makeover!


PWNED!

To end this blog, here is a picture of me sitting next to Bobby and the most annoying woman in the world. Please notice my not-stoked face. Those annoying, drunk douchebags.


Disgust!

So we rolled into Chicago on April 1 on a mission to destroy. The club was ready and so was the crowd. (1) Broken mic stand, (2) smashed guitars, (3) a shitload of blood, and the show was over.

So it was time to go out on the town and tear up more shit. We got invited to stay at Dylan’s place; Dylan is the owner of Emperor Custom Guitar Cabs & Cases. While we were there, they asked me if any of our gear needed any repairs. We brought all of my cabs in their shop and they started fixin’ ’em! I had been playing on the same 1969 Marshall cabs for the last 20 years and couldn’t see myself ever not playing them. But under the shop lights the damage that had been done to them over the years was obvious. Dylan suggested that we pull my vintage 25-watt Celestions speakers out of the old silver guitar cabs and mount ’em in some new Emperor cabs. Talk about cool dudes and real people. The cabs they hooked me up were made of oak and I wanted to cover the speakers in oxblood grill cloth, which they had very little of. So, in midday fuckin’ traffic, those guys jumped in the car and drove four hours roundtrip to go get the oxblood grill cloth!


When they returned I tried like hell to give ’em cash, but they said no way. They worked on my cabs for 13 hours that day. As night came we needed to eat and rock out, so we headed over to ONLY THE COOLEST RESTAURANT IN THE WORLD called Kuma’s Corner. We walk in and fuckin’ Burzum is BLASTING through the speakers and shitloads of rocker dudes and chicks are all there eating the hugest, sickest freakin’ burgers I have ever seen in my life. We and our buddies from Mouth of the Architect were in heaven! Blasting black metal on the jukebox LOUDER than a live band and awesome food.


Alex, the owner, poured 14 shots at a time for all of the guys in Mouth and Today Is the Day, and we fuckin’ stayed until after they closed that night. Went to pay the $750 tab and Alex said, “No way, man, I love Today Is the Day, and it’s the least I can do.” Fuck it, we gave the waitress a $200 tip and split back to the Emperor Cabs factory. When we got there my rig was completed and it LOOKED FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!!! I plugged that shit in and started rippin’ our song “The Descent,” and man, oh man! I was SO goddamn happy. My sound was bigger than EVER, and the cabs just sounded so organic and warm. Fell asleep on the floor next to my cabs. Sometimes life is really, really good.



Today Is the Day with tourmates Mouth of the Architect, Complete Failure, and Psyopus.

Executive Editor Brandon Geist’s quick takes on the new albums hitting record stores on this day of our lord, May 6, 2008:




B’S PICK: Spark Is a Diamond - Try This On for Size (Pluto)
This is some crazy shit from former members of the grrl-fronted hardcore/grind band Fall River—dancey electro garage rawk with female death-metal vox. Think Death From Above 1979 with Angela Gossow at the mic. So ridiculous, it’s kinda awesome.

Greeley Estates - Go West Young Man, Let the Evil Go East (Science)




Third full-length of post-hardcore/screamo/metal/whatever the hell you wanna call it from this hard-touring, hard-hitting Pheonix, Arizona–based quintet. I dig the Ralph Steadman–esque album art.

Hereafter an Odyssey - Human Is As Human Does (Tribunal)




Proggy death metal from Georgia. Not great, but not bad. A solid “eh.” Three-fifths of the band recently quit though, so if you like what you hear on their MySpace page and you play guitar, or bass, or, preferably, both at the same time, drop these guys a line.

I Shalt Become - Requiem (Moribund)



Super lo-fi, slow-mo, and miserable Burzumic black metal from Illinois, of all places. A blaze over the Midwestern sky perhaps?

Kayo Dot - Blue Lambency Downard (Hydra Head)




Cello, bells, violin, viola, clarinet—all these instruments and more appear in Kayo Dot’s weird, sprawling neo-classical/experimental-metal psychedeli-epics, and honestly, I find it all pretty much unlistenable. Maybe I need more electric Kool-Aid.

Scott Kelly - The Wake (Neurot)



I fucking love Neurosis. Probably my favorite band ever. Them, or Pantera. But I’ve never been able to get into the various solo albums from frontmen Steve Von Till and Scott Kelly. This, Kelly’s latest, features just him, his gravelly voice, and his acoustic guitar, and it’s just so slow, so minimalist, and so, well, boring, that I don’t see why I’d put myself through it when I could be blowing my mind all over again with Through Silver and Blood, Enemy of the Sun, Times of Grace, or Given to the Rising instead.

Nastrond - Muspellz Synir (Moribund)
According to good ol’ Wikipedia, “in Norse mythology, Náströnd (Corpse Shore) is a place in Hel where Níðhöggr lives and sucks corpses.” I don’t know who the fuck Níðhöggr is, but I know what I’m calling my one-man black-metal band whenever I move back into my parent’s house (the basement is mine!) and need to get out my overwhelming hatred for un-corpse-painted humanity. In the meantime, the latest from these Swedish wannabe-church-burners should do the trick.

Nine Inch Nails - The Slip (The Null Corporation)



Yeah, I know, this came out yesterday and it’s actually not in stores. But if it weren’t for those technicalities, this would probably be my pick today ’cause it kinda rules. The first real song on the album, “1,000,000,” in particular, is one of the most rockin’ NIN tunes in years. I’ve been listening to it over and over again. This all said, probably no need to make this my pick anyway, since you guys all have this thing already—since it’s fucking free!!! Thanks Trent, you rule.

Russian Circles - Station (Suicide Squeeze)
Sweet, slow-building instrumental metal for all you waiting for Pelican to put out a good album again after the last couple of snore-fests.

In March 2007, post-hardcore group Thursday announced that they and their then-label, Island Records, had mutually decided to split. Since then, the band has been enjoying a hiatus, with the members focusing on other projects. “I tried to convince everybody to work on other stuff for a while, because the last 10 years it’s just been the band,” frontman Geoff Rickly says. “Sometimes I feel like bands change because people are so sick of doing it, they just lose interest in it. So I tried to get everybody to do their own thing.” Rickly focused on United Nations, a grindcore group rumored to feature Glassjaw/Head Automatica frontman Daryl Palumbo and Revolver scribe Jonah Bayer, among others. Guitarist Tom Keeley worked on a shoegazer project, guitarist Steve Pedulla worked in cinematography, and, perhaps most visible, drummer Tucker Rule picked up sticks for My Chemical Romance for their world tour.

Somewhere in there, the bandmates decided to get back together and start recording as Thursday again. They teamed with like-minded Japanese screamo quintet Envy for a split release, to be issued on both CD and vinyl, packaged together via experimental indie-rock label Temporary Residence (Explosions in the Sky, Mono, Grails). And they’re currently working on a new album, with plans to enter the studio in a couple of months to lay down the 13 songs they’ve written so far and whatever else they come up with. For the band, being label-less is wholly liberating. “There’s just something about knowing that there are other people working with you and wondering what they’re going to think of it,” Rickly says. “It’s just nice to be a band with no label, no nothing.”

REVOLVER How did you come to make this split with Envy?
GEOFF RICKLY I’ve always thought that that vocally, it’s obvious that there’s nothing in common between us, but musically, like guitar lines and stuff and the keys we use, I always felt they were brothers from Japan. I just went to see them, and I walked up and talked to [Envy vocalist-sequencer] Tetsuya for, like, 15 minutes before the interpreter came over and told me the dudes didn’t understand what I was saying. [Laughs] I seriously was just talking to him as if he understood me. And he was going, “Ooohhh. Oooooh.” And I thought he knew what I was saying, but he totally didn’t. [Laughs] So it was a fun night to meet those guys, and then it just turned into the idea for the split.

Also, it’s really flattering that a label like Temporary Residence would put out a record by us, because I think right now in the American music scene, there’s this indie-rock hipster thing that says anything that’s not in the “cool” category is total bullshit. And the funny thing is, the bands and the labels don’t really feel that way. It’s some weird fashion statement of kids that have ironic mustaches or something. They think there’s this police code of who gets to be a good band and who doesn’t.

How has your attitude towards labels changed?
My attitude now is you don’t really need a label anymore. At this point I think you should only work with the label if they’re going to bring something to you, if they’re really going to help you do what you want to do, and if you think they’re nice people and want to work with them as a partner.

Why don’t you just do something like Radiohead or Nine Inch Nails, then?
We’ve talked about it. And now it’s like, well, some of these labels might have some good advice about different things. A label like Epitaph has all this experience and knows the indie world enough and can connect us with a bunch of people, or a label like Temporary Residence knows all these people that we don’t know and does a great job with their art and with the packaging and with the quality of the vinyl and the distribution…I think for us it’s more that we want to keep making music. We don’t want to have to spend so much time on the business side of it.

How else are you working with Envy? Is there an arc between two of the bands on the album?
Not yet. But we each have one track left to go, so we’ve been talking about doing something like that. Initially, I was like, “Dude, I would love to do one of your guys’ songs and translate it into English.” And they were just like, “Why would you want it to be like that, it’s already the way we want it?” I guess that’s just not an idea that mixes culturally with what they’re doing.

You’re packaging the LP with the CD for this split, and because of vinyl’s size, bigger chain stores won’t be able to stock it. Does that concern you at all?
I think it’s nice that we’re gonna be helping out some indie stores keep a little business for a little longer. Those guys have it so hard. The last few weeks, I’ve been at a few indie record stores because I have been wanting to get a new record player so I can listen to a bunch of stuff. Like, I have a lot of Portraits of Past and Antioch Arrow vinyl. I’ve downloaded a few MP3s of people ripping them, but it just doesn’t sound the same. If it takes a little tiny bit of business away from a chain and brings it to an indie, it feels nice. But I’m going to try to sell records in general, most of our full-lengths, anywhere I can.

What was the last record you bought?
The last record I bought was Rise Above by the Dirty Projectors. That was them trying to remember Damaged by Black Flag. They recreated the whole album without listening to it again. So it was this weird, indie-rock, folk version of Damaged. When I read about it I was like, That’s fucking cool. You’re riding around in your van with acoustic guitars trying to remember your favorite hardcore record of all time, and instead of going and buying it, you’re like, Fuck it, let’s remake it.

Is there a record you would do that with?
[Laughs] We joked around for a little while with United Nations that we wanted to do Nation of Ulysses’ Plays Pretty for Baby but call it Plays Pretty for a Bunch of Fuckin’ Babies and redo it as a kids’ record, like a Kidz Bop. But it probably will never happen. [Laughs] It’s for no other reason than you get to call it Plays Pretty for a Bunch of Fuckin’ Babies. Just for a good title. [Laughs]

Since we’ve been talking about your recent influences, how has Thursday changed creatively lately?
Every time I try to answer that question somebody tells me when the record finally comes out that I’m wrong. I’ll be like, “This record’s more punk,” and they’ll be like, “Are you kidding? This sounds like Michael Jackson!” And I’ll be like, “OK. I guess so. I don’t know.” I think the cool thing about this record is instead of trying to write something to sound a certain way—like with War All the Time, we tried to make it heavier, and with City by the Light Divided, we tried to make it noisier and more introverted—and this one I don’t feel like we’re trying. And now they’re starting to take their own shape. And now I’ve started stumbling on a lot of the themes for this record…I guess I did that with Full Collapse, but even at the time that was not letting it happen, just not knowing that you could even direct a record. It happened by default then. And now it just feels natural, which is great. KORY GROW

The last few days we played in the U.S. were a complete mess. Here is a shot of a guy in a chicken suit during our set being planted face first into concrete. Sorry, little bro. To top off that dude’s bad night, Dave Mustaine even called him out onstage before breaking into “Holy Wars” by saying, “What came first, the chicken or the asshole?” Oh, Dave, you clever fellow you. The dude either went home in shame or completely stoked. Yay!

Look at how bummed the people around him are.

A chunk of the band decided to get tour tattoos when we played the New England Hardcore/Metal fest the other day. They all slapped on and inked out space crabs on their bodies, with the text under the tattoo reading “Uranus or bust”… The tattoo has a horrifying meaning behind it that made me stay away from getting the tattoo myself, so bad and possibly even idiotic that I refuse to write about it in this blog. Congratulations on the awesome choice of content, guys!

Parents will be proud, right?

The best part about it was that this was our guitarist Bobby’s first tattoo, and he passed out and or fainted during the procedure. Here is a picture of people pointing and making fun of him during the whole ordeal. What a douche.

Look at the bastard waking up after fainting.

The other days we drove to the Canadian border. Apparently we needed a “password” to go over the border. Well, someone fucked up and we never got this so called “password” when we were supposed to, leaving us stranded at the border for over 10 fucking hours… Fucking Canada… So, in the mean time we were out of booze. We whipped out our Capri Sun pouches, went outside, and proceeded to play a game of kickball as if we were back in middle school. Whoever fucked that up, we will hunt you down and make you give us back 10 hours of our lives, you bastard.

Irrelevent party picture.

Later that night we discovered a mysterious space crab/cockroach. It was just a few days after the space crab tattoo ceremony. We thought that it was a sign from God himself, but then quickly realized that if there really was a God that we’re all going to hell anyway. Fuck yeah!

Don't look directly into its evil eyes.

We’ve played a show in Canada now and it was great. I haven’t been able to understand anyone here because 90 percent of them speak French. In our dressing room we found a mystery stain on the couch. I bet a Frenchie did it.

How enchanting, how mysterious.

The end of our evening consisted of High On Fire’s Matt Pike teaching our drummer Charn how to fight. Charn’s never been in a fight before so he thought he could use the help… The teaching was a complete failure, and we just ended up watching Matt Pike get drunk and dance up a smooth but awkward storm.

Complete failure.

Today is actually my birthday. Hopefully a shitty story will come out of it in the meantime. Later!... AND BUY ME A FUCKING DRINK!

FTW! FTW!

As the Revolver Photo Director and proud owner of a vagina, I feel more than qualified to offer up honest, raw, and unadulterated advice regarding all things related to sex, the female body, and relationships. So, all you metalhead freaks out there, please email me your most dire, dirty, sick, and twisted questions about women and the way we work, from our emotional hearts to our even more complicated parts. Girls are also welcome to fire off some questions; I’m sure the guys reading my blog would love to hear what’s on your mind as well. Email me at revolvher@gmail.com

Dear RevolvHer,
I’m a 25-year-old metal chick. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. He’s never been terribly sexual, but I accepted that from the beginning as part of the package because I fell in love with him as a person. He is a good guy and takes good care of me. Basically, it is a good month if we have sex once, and always on his terms. He has gone down on me a handful of times over the last 4 years. I used to think it was because he wasn’t attracted to me, as I have been with some guys before this guy who have worshipped my body. I have expressed my issues to my boyfriend and he makes me feel like a total pervert for wanting more sex. He doesn’t seem concerned that I may look outside the relationship. Recently, I met a guy at a metal show when I was out with my girls, and he is so fucking hot. We flirt like crazy over text messages and sometimes emails. He makes me feel so sexy. He talks about the things he wants to do to my body and how much he wants to please me. He described in detail how he would devour my pussy, and that is what I crave the most. I know that just talking to him about this stuff is already cheating in a way. My question for you is, is it OK to cheat on my boyfriend to get my sexual needs met as long as he doesn’t find out? I don’t want to leave him because he is a good man that fulfills my emotional needs (most of the time), but he just doesn’t make me feel sexy and wanted. I need some lovin’!
Help me,
Tortured Soul

Dear Tortured Soul,
First off, I appreciate the drama of your signature! You must be aching for a release and so RevolvHer is here to give you permission to get your groove on, but not without first explaining why and how you are in this situation. You love a guy who isn’t meeting all your needs, and the needs he isn’t meeting are pretty big time. Not getting laid regularly and properly when you’re only 25 years old is just a sin. You should be getting fucked and orally pleasured daily, girlfriend! But I know, you love him and you want him to be doing the fucking. Trouble is, you can’t change a man. But while I have learned that you can’t change a person by forcing your will upon him/her, people can, in fact, change, but he/she has to want to change. In the meantime, you have to accept him for who he is and allow for him to have his own path. If your man is not into sex even to save your relationship, well, then either you accept that part of him FOR REAL, or you move on to a man that can rock your entire world, body and soul. After four years of waiting around for your good guy to start liking pussy, you are finally getting your needs for sexual validation and attention met by this new hottie from the metal show. It is usually a good sign that there is something missing in a relationship when you start seeking attention from another person. I don’t think you really needed a sign; you seem to be well aware of what is missing in your relationship—a tongue on your pussy. I would never advocate cheating on your boyfriend, as that will only create chaos and confusion and prolong the drama for you. But, if you do decide to cheat, it will be totally understandable and I would never stand in judgment of a horny young lady in a bad relationship doing whatever it takes to get out. The right, much harder, and more character-building thing to do in this scenario is to end the relationship before acting out. This problem isn’t going to go away, and you should get out while you can, while you are not married and there are no children who will be affected by your actions. At 25 years old, you shouldn’t be settling for a life that doesn’t involve hot passionate rip-roaring sex! The next time you email me, I just hope you can sign off of as Totally Slammed.
xxx
RevolvHer

Executive Editor Brandon Geist’s quick takes on the shitload of new albums hitting record stores on this day of our lord, April 29, 2008:

B’S PICK: Life Of Agony - River Runs Red CD/DVD (Roadrunner)
Man, this 1993 album (reissued here with bonus tracks and video) basically got me through those four years of angst and alienation known as high school. If you don’t have the record already (or maybe even if you do), pick this shit up—it could change your life.

Boris - Smile (Southern Lord)



This Japanese power trio (named for the Melvins song) fares much better when sticking to the monolithic drone/doom metal on which the band made its name than on its recent forays into shitty garage rock, which means that you can skip this latest album’s more up-tempo first half for its sludgy, shoegazing close.

Cephalic Carnage - Conforming To Abnormality (Relapse)



Reissue of these Coloradan “hydro-grind” 
progenitor’s Relapse debut. Good shit, but nothing from these hard-toking maniacs tops the sheer awesomeness of their song “Black Metal Sabbath” live.

Century - Black Ocean (Prosthetic)




Editor in Chief Tom is all about this album, and for good reason. It’s full of spacious, melodic post-hardcore—think Snapcase, Burst, Coalesce, et al, and you get the idea.

Children Of Bodom - Follow The Reaper, Hatebreeder, Something Wild, and Tokyo Warhearts: Live In Japan 1999 (Spinefarm/Fontana)



Following up the debut of CoB’s new album, Blooddrunk, at Number 22 on the Billboard charts (congrats, boys), Spinefarm has dropped these killer reissues of Alexi “Wildchild” Laiho & Co.’s back catalog. Expect lots of guitar shred, cheesy keys, and flying blonde hair.

Desaster - 666: Satan's Soldiers Syndicate (Metal Blade)



Latest blast of blackened thrash from these Deutschlandic demon hailers. Frontman Sataniac gets props for the badass stage name—but then, pretty much any pseudonym rules compared to what his parents dubbed him: Guido.

Fate - Vultures (Metal Blade)




If onetime teen prodigies Job for a Cowboy are getting too old for you now that they’re tipping into the decrepitude of their (OMG) 20s, Metal Blade has followed up that signing with baby-faced wonders Fate. And much like JFAC, these kids’ absurdly complex and mature death metal totally belies their youth.

HIM - Digital Versatile Doom Live from the Orpheum Theater XXXVII A.S DVD (Sire)




I’ve only seen HIM’s Ville Valo perform once—when he covered Type O Negative’s “Blood No. 1” at the Roadrunner United 25th Anniversary show—and he had a shitload of charisma, wit, and attitude. But it also didn’t hurt that the song is genuinely kickass, unlike every original HIM tune I’ve ever heard. Too bad Ville and his band aren’t exclusively playing covers on this new live DVD.

The Hottness - Stay Classy (Ferret)




Every Time I Die-style partycore but with way more of a pop punk/emo/screamo influence, which makes it almost intolerable, as far as I’m concerned.

Korn - Playlist: The Very Best Of Korn (Epic/Legacy)




Didn’t Korn already put out a best-of album? 1994’s Korn. No, but seriously, didn’t they put out an actual best-of compilation disc, Greatest Hits Vol.1, back in 2004? Word up.

Mindless Self-Indulgence - If (The End)




I don’t really get this band’s brand of spastic, sophomoric electro-metal, but our former managing editor Brian loves them, and my younger brother Curran really digs them, too. I will say that their bass player is pretty fucking hot, and that definitely goes a long way. I mean, I once stood through a whole Coal Chamber headlining set, and did so very happily, just staring at their bassist, Nadja.

Morgion - Morgion (Relapse)




Collection of this now-defunct majestic doom band’s Relapse-era recordings, including their two full-lengths and seven previously unreleased tracks. Big fans of these guys, my then-girlfriend/now-wife and I dragged ourselves out to Brooklyn metal club L’Amour the day after the 2003 NYC blackout only to show up and discover that the band had cancelled—and shortly thereafter broke up. This comp is but a small consolation.

Puscifer - Dozo 7”, Queen B. 7”, V Is For Vagina (Deluxe Edition) (iTunes), and V Is For Viagra: The Vagina Remixes (Puscifer Entertainment)
A busy day for Tool frontman Maynard James Keenan’s bizarro electro side project. The highlight is the tripped-out remix album featuring reworking by the likes of Slipknot’s Joey Jordison, ex-Ministry bassist Paul Barker, and Isis frontdude Aaron Turner. If you metalheads can’t seem to get into this shit, try putting back a bottle of Keenan’s wine first and see if it doesn’t sound that much better then.

Spitfire - Cult Fiction (Goodfellow)




Manic metalcore from this on-again/off-again Virginian outfit, featuring vocalist Jon Spencer formerly of Scarlet, not the Blues Explosion. The album cover seems to feature a photo of a naked chick laying on her back with a skull sitting on her na-na, which is reason enough for me to want a copy.

Testament - The Formation Of Damnation (Nuclear Blast)




Stellar thrash comeback from the classic Testament lineup (plus ex-Slayer/Forbidden skinsman Paul Bostaph). And don’t miss these geezers out on their upcoming tour with Heaven and Hell, Motörhead, and Judas Priest.

Walls Of Jericho - Redemption EP (Trustkill)




Woah, is this really Walls of Jericho? Acoustic guitars? Sung vocals? A cover of “House of the Rising Sun”? Still trying to wrap my head around this one…

Well, we've been on Gigantour for over a week now. The days have been long and boring. My life officially consists of playing Guitar Hero, excessive drinking, drawing stupid pictures, and twiddling my thumbs.


MMMM, Tapatio.
I think just about every venue has gotten our name completely wrong. We might as well change our name to something even dumber to confuse people even more. Trust me, I'm completely aware that we have a terrible band name that even makes myself cringe, bummer! As far as I remember, that was one of the reasons to make our logo as unreadable as possible. I suppose it could be worse... right?...... right?!


I guess they were close?
Ravi has attempted to start playing World of Warcraft to kill some of the boredom. Why not right? He is a “level two gnome.” I cross my fingers that he doesn’t fall into the evil abyss that is online role-playing games. There is more to the story that I would like to shed light on. But I was politely asked not to. Maybe one day internet readers, one day....


Good luck, little buddy.
This morning I woke up and had no idea where I was. I found my way into a hotel room with some guys in the band and friends of ours. Me and Ravi took a train to our buddies’ house and proceeded to party on.


Don't ask.
On top of everything else, Bobby lost his phone and wallet last night in New York. If you find it, spend his money and ring up his credit card with porn and booze; he probably deserves it.