EDITORIAL INTERN CHRIS KROVATIN: FINAL SIX—THE SIX MOST METAL HORROR MOVIES & THE SIX MOST METAL ROMANTIC COMEDIES

Smell that outside? Woodsmoke and cold concrete, leaves exploding orange, cracked latex, all with just a hint of cocoa and pumpkin? That’s October, baby, this intern’s favorite month of the year. Halloween is perhaps the most metal holiday (some might claim St. Patrick’s Day or New Year’s Eve, but being a metalhead and being an alcoholic aren’t the same thing, no matter what Vinnie Paul says). All Hallow’s Eve is a night dedicated to most of the backing principles of metal, specifically the resurrection of the dead; the conjuring of dark beings from strange, evil realms; dramatic costuming and makeup; and balls-out terror. It’s the horror holiday, the day of the dead, the night when you can get away with murder. Everyone hail to the Pumpkin Song.

However, seeing as metalheads are so obsessed with horror—movies, comics, literature, whatever—horror isn’t what scares them. Certain people may shiver at the works of H.P. Lovecraft or the films of George Romero, but metalheads eat that shit up like so many bite-sized Snickers bars. What frightens the Hell out of those in league with Satan? Sitting through two hours of John Cusack trying to desperately to win over an unsatisfied middle-aged Diane Lane (yeah, my girlfriend made me go to Must Love Dogs in theaters; it was cinematic waterboarding). The romantic comedy is the metalhead’s horror movie—watching one is pure uncomfortable agony. Therefore, in honor of the most unholy of holidays, I give you my picks for the Six Most Metal Horror Movies and the Six Most Metal Romantic Comedies. (And for more Most Metal Horror Movie picks, check out the new Heavy-Metal Horror Issue of Revolver and click right here.)

The Six Most Metal Horror Movies

1) Hellraiser A girl solves a mathematical puzzle box that releases a troupe of demonic monks who worship pain and tear people apart with hooks. Cradle Of Filth meets Dillinger Escape Plan with Carcass blasting in the background.
2) Day of the Dead The underrated third movie in Romero’s “Living Dead” series, this film takes place in an underground military facility where a mad scientist is trying to domestic zombies. It doesn’t work, the dead invade, all Hell breaks loose. Oh, and surprisingly—the black guy? Makes it! Right?!
3) Nosferatu An atmospheric silent film surrounding the most grotesque vampire the world has ever seen, Count Orlok. Every later vampire would be slick and sexy; Orlok is more maggot than man, and it’s creepy as fuck.
4) The Exorcist Yeah, yeah, predictable perhaps, but there’s nothing more metal than a little girl possessed by the devil vomiting onto a priest and mutilating herself with a crucifix. Still the standard.
5) Event Horizon A spaceship powered by a black hole (Jesus!) returns from the dimension we know as “Hell” (Jesus!) and drags a big chunk of the abyss back with it to torture Sam Neil (the Jurassic Park guy?). Psychedelic, underrated, and epic.
6) Halloween Bates was craziest, Voorhees was biggest, Leatherface was sickest, but there is no unstoppable killing machine in cinema quite like Michael Myers. The man nails a lame-ass dude to a wall with a knife. Goodnight.

The Six Most Metal Romantic Comedies

1) When Harry Met Sally Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan journey through the ages as friends, unaware that they’re simply meant to be. Also, Meg Ryan makes sex noises in a crowded restaurant. Sally ist Krieg.
2) The Wedding Singer Adam Sandler exudes the ‘80s and falls madly in love with Drew Barrymore. This movie is so metal, it managed to destroy two successful careers. Mr. Deeds and Never Been Kissed followed shortly afterwards.
3) Notting Hill Julia Roberts is the world’s most famous actress, but that doesn’t stop her from loving the ever-befuddled Hugh Grant. Drink every time the horse-faced Brit stumbles curiously over a sentence.
4) There’s Something About Mary Ben Stiller falls for Cameron Diaz as a teenager shortly before mutilating his genitals. Many years later, she puts his cum in her hair. It’s like a Pig Destroyer song.
5) Working Girl Well, actually, there’s nothing particularly metal or scary about this mov…OH GOD! SIGOURNEY WEAVER IN LINGERIE! WHAT HATH ATHENS WROUGHT? SHOOT HER! SHOOOOT HEEEER…
6) 10 Things I Hate About You In this teen adaptation of a classic Shakespeare play, a bunch of high school kids fall in love despite obstacles and prejudices. Only one of them goes on to mutilate his face, fight Batman, and die.