FINAL SIX: THE SIX MOST/LEAST METAL FICTIONAL WORLDS

Chris Krovatin is the author of the young-adult novels Heavy Metal & You and Venomous, as well as Revolvermag.com's “Final Six” blog. The latter book was the inspiration for Deadlocke, a one-shot published by Dark Horse Comics.

Metalheads, agree with me: This is a brutal planet. We here in our modern, “civilized” society are about two mistakes away from sacrificing children to old gods and fighting off large cats to protect our kill. And let’s not forget the fact that we’re all gonna die—and it probably won’t register in the slightest on a cosmic scale. Awesome, right?

Honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way. That’s life for you: dealing with horror and beauty, indivisible, until we die painfully. The idea of living in a utopia is not only kind of boring, it’s un-metal. If everything was lollipops and blowjobs, we would have no need to call up the primal forces dwelling within all of us, and let’s be honest, those motherfuckers are fun. So here, to put your shitty life in some perspective (I see you out there, glum-ass), is my list of the Six Most and Least Metal Fictional Worlds.

The Six Most Metal Worlds:

1) The Melting Pot Comic book artist Simon Bisley created the most metal world of all in his 1995 graphic novel, The Melting Pot, about a vicious alien world at war, ruled over by the demonic Lord Tyler. Sex, violence, aliens, magic, and iron-fist rulers—what else can you ask for?
2) Middle Earth Yeah, yeah, let’s give credit where credit’s due. Tolkien’s epic fantasy land has inspired everyone from Led Zeppelin to Burzum, and it’s endless host of massive creatures, brave warriors, and vicious monsters make it a fantasy world worth living in.
3) Blashyrkh The icy mountainous land created and inhabited by black-metal titans Immortal is ruled by the monstrous god Mighty Ravendark and stands in opposition to all things cold and frostbitten. Truly awesome.
4) Apokolips Superman’s version of Hades is an actual planet inhabited by the unholy Darkseid and his violent, warlike minions. The entire planet is covered with huge, fire-spewing pits, and the chief assassin is named Granny Goodness. Sweet Jesus.
5) Cybertron Technically, Tranformers’ Cybertron is the most metal world on the list—because it’s made of metal. Entirely. This is a place where giant robots grow and are given life by naturally occurring cubes of energy. Need I say more?
6) Hell The most brutal place. Not all that pleasant, but definitely metal. Hail Satan.

The Six Least Metal Worlds:

1) Care-A-Lot The heavenly home of the Care Bears, this world is lame as shit. Everyone walks around being happy and solving minor inconsequential problems. Plus, everyone’s a teddy-bear. Care Bear stare…at my dick.
2) Disneyworld It’s a magical kingdom full of princes and monsters, just like Middle Earth—only Middle Earth isn’t also inhabited by fat Wisconsin tourists dragging screaming rugrats through the sun for a chance to buy a $40 hat.
3) Second Life Oh man, fuck this place. Hey, I know it’s fun to be someone else for a while, but at least be an orc or a superhero or something. This whole digital-version-of-the-real-world thing? Retarded. Lame. Get a first life.
4) Oz Okay, so it does have drug-infused poppies, emerald cities, and evil witches, but Oz is also way too brightly colored, and the lions are cowardly. Plus, their “god” is a little man behind a curtain. I call bullshit.
5) Your subconscious Oh, wow, this place is fucked. There are a lot of dancing teeth being whipped by your dad, and all of the women have no heads, distortion pedals for tits, and severed hands float down rivers of urine. I think I’m ready to leave now.
6) The wacky world of Revolver Magazine You think it’s all Vinnie Paul and corpsepaint here? Correct the same spelling mistake 70 times in a single round of edits and see how grim and brutal you feel.