GUEST BLOG: JOB FOR A COWBOY’S JONNY DAVY

The last week of Gigantour was definitely an entertaining one. I guess I’ll start off with Brent’s personal highlight of the week. Charn, our drummer, with Brent, our bassist, decided to have a “Beer Bong Contest”—how many beer bongs can you do without throwing up? Yes, the idea sounds stupid and idiotic but hey, it’s ENTERTAINING. To sum it up, Charn took the championship home; Brent stormed the bus at some point and began to puke. Brent then quickly ran to bed in attempt to forget about the whole ordeal in complete shame. Hours later, a group of us are watching TV and Brent randomly makes his way back into the room in a “zombie-like” state. He plants himself on the couch and begins to puke ALL over himself. Yes, he is black-out drunk and sleepwalking. The night ended up with everyone taking turns babysitting the little fucker by holding his head over a trash can. HOORAY, BRENT!

You can see vomit in the bastard's beard.

The night before the final show in Long Beach was an awkward one. A lot of random bullshit happened the entire night. I think the highlight of the events was an appearance from the actual Kenny G. YES, I said Kenny G, in the flesh. What the fuck is that dude doing at a Megadeth concert? The motherfucker has sold over 70 million records of him blowing smooth jams into a metal pipe. He acknowledged me with a head nod; I nervously gave him one back in return. So the final word: Kenny G is a metalhead—let’s see if he ends up joining a power-folk-metal band sometime in the future.

The man, the myth, the legend!

The night in Long Beach continued to get even weirder. As alcohol began to run through people’s bodies, strange things started happening. Here’s the point where some of the drunken guys from Children of Bodom began to somehow mumble for everyone to take off their pants and to hang out casually without them. As I said before, I don’t get it; I can’t ever understand what the hell those Europeans are saying. I think their English progressively got worse throughout the tour. The dudes in my band are dumb enough to follow along when being intoxicated.

Uncircumsized dong.

Some of the guys began giving some early goodbyes. Some people were happy, some people were sad, some people were even mad over the whole ordeal. Look at the Bodom drummer’s face—HE’S FUCKING PISSED! Or he was probably too drunk to realize that it was just a casual photo. He might have been programmed to always give a metal face…

PISSED!

…Roope, however, the guitar player of Bodom, was genuinely devastated over the tour ending and not seeing everyone’s beautiful faces anymore. We had to hold him for an hour during his crying tantrum. Weep no more, Roope, we’ll see you at Download fest.

Crybaby!

The final day of Gigantour was in our hometown of Phoenix. EVERY BAND WAS HAZED BY MEGADETH AND THEIR FUCKING CREW. High on Fire went on and some of the members of Megadeth grabbed squirt guns and continued to water them down during their set. Members of the crew would randomly walk onstage and talk into their mics while they were playing. At that point I pictured Dave Mustaine evilly laughing in the corner by himself, damn him. Then we went onstage. We had notes written on our monitors that degraded us. Charn had air fresheners taped to his seat insinuating that he smells bad (which he does). Brent had a fucking dildo with balls duct-taped to his mic during our set. Finally, they fucked with my monitors in an attempt to fuck me up. If Dave Mustaine wasn’t a black belt or whatever, I would have gotten all of you bastards back. But sadly, I can’t ninja my way out of a Mustaine karate chop. TOUR’S OVER AND I’M HUNGRY.

Look at those sweet balls!