GUEST BLOG: LIGHT THIS CITY’S LAURA NICHOL

Hey, everyone! It’s Laura here, from Light This City, and if you’ve never read a tour blog written by me, then just know I’ve got fart jokes and shit stories coming up for you in a bit…but before we get to that, I’d like to tell you about this last week.

All of us were really pumped to get this tour started. We sat in the van at a Safeway parking lot in Oakland, CA, waiting to start the drive to Reno, which was one of the stops we’d be making on the way to our first show of the “In Thrash We Trust” tour in Michigan. Suddenly, Pomroy, our thoughtful tour manager, directed my attention to a scruffy-looking bum, who had been sitting on the curb next to us just minutes before when I had re-entered the van with my Safeway sushi. I looked, only to find that the dude had slunk down under the bus bench on the sidewalk, hand in pants, and had decided that was the perfect place to publicly jerk himself off in broad fucking daylight! I screamed, my guys howled, and Pomroy tried to take a picture. (No such luck, sorry, folks…) I will never view the homeless in the same light ever again. Don’t give me any PC crap; I know that they’re people too, and therefore sexual beings, but now all I can think about when I see one of them is a certain term that my charming, creative bandmates have coined: “BUM CUM.”

On a more appetizing note, I just want to thank John from Sheridan, Wyoming, for cooking us fish, steak, and crab-fucking-legs after the show! You rule, man!

Laura consuming her weight in crab

I’m sorry I didn’t participate in the after-feast activities, which included the drunken firing of guns out in the woods, but if I have learned ANYTHING from our wise vice-president, it’s to avoid getting shot in the face…and he probably wasn’t even drinking absinthe! (Actually… who knows, right?)

Pomroy, our tour manager, about to bust a cap

But anyway, I definitely was not looking to make our “Unwelcome Savior” video come true.

The next day (fortunately, everyone returned from the woods with limbs intact), we finally got to meet the other bands of this thrashin’ tour, and lemme tell ya, they are some of the most radical dudes in the history of radical dudes. Mark from Death Angel literally bounces with excitement about almost everything (and told me to tell all of you “Hi!”), Ben from Soilent Green gives me thumbs-ups when guys with huge mullets buy me drinks, and I’ve gotta commend God Forbid for bringing substance to their between-song banter with some relevant social commentary. And needless to say, every band KILLS IT onstage. I can’t wait to tell you more about the shows, but we’ve only had a couple so far, so hold onto your pants!

Mark from Death Angel and Brian from Light This City

Before I leave you, I’d like to share some DO’s and DON’Ts I have learned thus far on the “In Thrash We Trust” tour. (DISCLAIMER: These are not all necessarily personal experiences!!! I did not shit my pants or agree to suck any balls!)

1) When you’re up front, watching your favorite band, DON’T reach up and pull the singer’s bangs in the middle of the song and then wave to her. She’ll be severely confused, and you’ll just look like a drunken asshole.

2) When you offer to buy her a drink or pay for the one she just ordered, DO ask a few questions about the band and then get back to your buddies. If you act like you don’t expect anything in return for the drink, she’ll think you’re way classy and probably be more prone to letting you buy her another one later.

3) DO rent the South Park episode “Imagination Land” with your friends and take shots every time Cartman tells Kyle that he is contractually obligated to “suck” his “balls.” You’ll get fuuuuuuucked up.

4) DON’T get so wasted that you actually end up sucking your buddy’s balls. (Again, this one is completely hypothetical.)

5) As one of my dudes discovered earlier, when shopping in Best Buy after inserting a hemorrhoids suppository up your ass, DON’T gamble on cutting a fart. You’ll lose, sir…in a big, juicy way.

The place where, well, “shit happened”

6) After building it up for a few days and finally releasing a toilet-clogging mound of shit in the bathroom of someone else’s house while on tour, DO make sure that a wonderful, beautiful, talented band member is nearby to help you plunge the damn thing because you just can’t seem to get it. Otherwise, you’ll end up with a messy, awkward situation, and will probably not be welcomed back at that house next time you roll through.

A final note to all you mama’s boys out there on the road right now: Mother’s Day just passed (May 11), so I hope you saved up a few days’ worth of per diems and showed your appreciation to the lady who lets you live in her basement, cooks for you, and does your laundry when you’re home from tour. She wanted so badly for you to be a lawyer or a doctor, but she still supports you living your crazy dream, so if you didn’t already, do something special for the lady!!!

Love,

Your wonderful, beautiful, talented handy-woman (who knows her way around a plunger),

Laura

P.S. Go add my new public profile at myspace.com/lauranichol!