REVOLVER WEEK IN REVIEW: 5/15 TO 5/22/2008

It’s been a nutty week here at Revolver. It all started last Thursday, when we got a little surprise care package from one Robb Flynn of motherfucking Machine Head; in it, a “Brown Eye” kit. Despite the name, this is not, in fact, everything you need for a home enema; it’s everything you need to make Flynn’s signature drink, the appetizingly named “Brown Eye,” specifically Grey Goose vodka (a liter bottle, in this case) and some Coca-Cola (a six pack). Editor in chief Tom, marketing manager Chris, and promotions director Mario had recently received in-person training in the art of mixing (and guzzling) this cocktail out in L.A., when we shot the cover for our upcoming September issue (out June 17), which features Flynn, among other metal luminaries—hence the thank-you gift. And though executive editor Brandon may have written in his “A Saint Patrick’s Day List: Metal Drinking Songs” blog that drinking is generally frowned upon during the workday even in the Revolver office, not to partake in Flynn’s present—and not to do so immediately—just seemed rude.

Brandon, Tom, and managing editor Ian: "Thanks Robb, you fuckin’ rule."

Monday we finished up said September issue, and it was a fucking bitch. We were all in the office till after 8 P.M. that night. By the time we were finally done with the thing, our brains had turned to jello. Add to that a few more Brown Eyes, and a generally nerdy editorial-type turns into this drooling moron:

Brandon rockin’ a sexy all-sweats outfit (Relapse hoodie, and hot new “MOSH” sweatpants care of Victory Records—thanks, Jenny)

On Wednesday Tom drove up to a recording studio in Elmwood Park, New Jersey, to listen to the new Underoath record—at extremely high volume. All six band members were there staring him down the whole time, threatening to, well, not really do anything mean to him at all if he didn’t like the product of their hard labors. (Those Christian kids are so fucking nice—what gives, man?! Rumor has it singer Spencer Chamberlain even gave Tom a hug…a really manly hug.) As the case may be, Tom loved the album— “It’s heavy as shit and dark as fuck and the riffs totally have hair on their ‘nads,” he reported—so maybe nice guys do come out on top occasionally.

“If you don’t love our new album, you’re going to hell. And if you do love it, you’re probably still going to hell.”

That afternoon Tom and Brandon went to the Q Prime offices and listened to seven new unmixed Metallica songs with band manager Cliff Burnstein (seen Some Kind of Monster? He’s the dude with the wild gray hair and beard who’s not Lars’ dad). We’d tell you all about the tracks, but we’d have to kill you…and they’d probably kill us.

This morning Ian came into work and was nailed in the head by a Nerf dart shot by Tom. A little later Brandon walked in and was nailed in the back and the stomach by two Nerf darts shot by Tom and Ian. Turns out, some marketing company had sent a four pack of Nerf Elimination Blasters. Guess how much work got done today…

Revolver’s new editorial assistant, Valerie McQueen, ducks for cover. Her hazing continues.

Guess which one is Mr. Pink...

Thank god there’s a long weekend coming up (Memorial Day on Monday—woo-fucking-hoo!). We’re beat: A week of drinking free drinks, shooting toy guns, and listening to killer unreleased albums really takes a lot out of you.