REVOLVER WEEK IN REVIEW: 5/23 TO 5/30/2008

Compared to last week, this week was booor-ring. We didn’t get any awesome free shit. We didn’t get early listens to any absurdly highly anticipated forthcoming albums. Some of us did get a little culture, though—executive editor Brandon, who went to the fucking ballet last Friday night. Before you start shouting “You fancy-assed pansy!” at your computer monitor, note that it was the metal ballet—the latest annual production from extreme-music-lovin’ NYC company Ballet Deviare, which this year danced to tracks by the likes of Arsis, Funeral, japanische kampfhoerspiele, and Gwynbleidd, who provided live accompaniment with their song, “The Awakening.” Cool shit—it’s pretty amazing to see how well ballet and heavy metal can actually go together. And really, what’s not to love about limber, athletic chicks in leotards pirouetting and plié-ing to blast beats and Cookie-Monster growls?

Pretty soon, moshpits are gonna look like this.

Promotions director Mario, meanwhile, spent his Friday night at the Kylesa/the Ocean show at NYC’s Knitting Factory. Says Mario, “Though the crowd had diminished by the time the Ocean hit the stage, they didn’t give the thinning audience a chance to breathe once they started with their aural assault: dual vocals, blistering drums, and a performance like an orchestrated epileptic seizure. This is the best band no cares about. Maybe you should.”

Tuesday, when we came back into work after Memorial Day weekend (during which editor in chief Tom was slapped with a court summons for drinking on the street—way to go, dude!), Brandon got some bad news. He’d been planning to drive down to Richmond, Virginia, in a few weeks to go drag racing with Lamb of God guitarist Mark Morton and write a story about it; sitting in his email inbox was a message from Mark with the subject line, “i blowed up.”

“Sat afternoon while racing i spun a main bearing...total engine failure...total bum-out,” went the email. “unfortunately thats part of racing, but i wish it would've waited a few weeks. nobody got hurt and it will be fixed, but probably not in time for our scheduled hangout.”

Total bum-out indeed. Now Brandon has to find another use for his Slayer helmet…

Always wear protection, kids…even cubicles can be dangerous.

Wednesday, photo director Rebecca, a.k.a. RevolvHer, celebrated her birthday. We ate red velvet cake during work (though Rebecca doesn’t really eat cake) and went out drinking after work (though she also doesn’t really drink). Awesome birthday for her.

Not a whole lot else happened: We edited some copy, assigned some more copy. Probably the biggest revelation of the week was our editorial assistant Val’s striking resemblance to Slash.

Val and her college roommate, Axl. Now we just need someone to send her a free promotional top hat.

But wait! Just as we were set to post this shit, Tom received a messengered package from the company that represents some band that Melissa Joan Hart’s (you know, Sabrina, the Teenage Witch) husband sings in. Inside the envelope, an autographed glossy 8x10 of MJH that admonishes Tom to “keep puking!” Wait…maybe it says “rocking.” Eh. Either/or is fine with us.