Comedian Doug Stanhope Lists the Top Five Places to Kill Yourself

It should be no surprise if you’re familiar with Doug Stanhope’s particularly acerbic and nihilistic brand of comedy, that the guy is a fan of hard rock and metal. Nor that many rockers and metalheads are fans of his. Stanhope’s new special Beer Hall Putsch is available now on CD and digitally, and will be available on DVD in November. You can also check out his website for his upcoming shows.

When we asked him to contribute a list for our website, he suggested a typically dark concept: the Top Five Places to Kill Yourself.

“A girl I knew recently took her own life by overdosing in a cheap motel.,” he explains. “It made me sad not only because she was still very young and extremely attractive, but also because she was so much more imaginative and colorful than going out that way. I won’t say suicide is a decent option in most cases, but if you are headstrong about doing it, here’s a few ways to make it noteworthy and fun.”

5. Chuck E. Cheese “These children are far too sheltered from the grim realities of the outside world. Punch up the party with a lethal dose of the ugly truth and be the GG Allin of the mechanical band. Coin the phrase ‘Cashing in your skee-ball tickets.'”

4. Bill Murray’s House “Bill Murray has gained quite a reputation as a prankster, urban legend or not. What a cheeky comeuppance it would be to kill yourself in his house and leave all the evidence pointing at him! It’ll take a little Ocean’s Eleven planning figuring out how to get his fingerprints on a murder weapon or possibly some of his semen to leave in one of your own cavities, but the pay off will be fantastic. Sure you didn’t do it Bill. No one will ever believe you.”

3. Black Jack Table “Nothing will remove the smirk from that Asian dealers face like a shot under the chin, raining brains all over his 5-card 21 that took the last of your chips. ‘Good luck,’ indeed!”

2. New Years Eve “I haven’t left the house on New Years in a decade at least. The most irritating rubes in the world use it as an excuse to get rookie drunk, kiss a girl, and make a bunch of dumb promises to themselves they’ll never keep. Find the biggest party you can get invited to, wait for the countdown to get down to about 4 and then plummet from the rafters on a noose with no pants on. You know some drunken hump will still robotically mutter, ‘Ha-ppy neeew year’ over the stunned silence.”

1. Virgin Atlantic First Class “The BBC once flew me from LA to London on Virgin First Class and spent more than five times on the ticket than what the show was paying me. Limo ride from my house, a seat that reclined into a bed, full menu including filet mignon, scheduled massage, even an actual U-shaped bar with seats. Too bad I took way too many Xanax and slept thru the whole 14-hour flight. Next time I’ll enjoy all the amenities for the first six hours or so, smoke a cigarette in the toilet and overdose, choking down morphine with free champagne. Massage with a real happy ending.”


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  • Phillip Keane

    I saw a woman throw herself off of a multistory car park once. she hit the deck and her blood splattered 3 metres into the air, up against the side of the building.

    A pregnant witness saw the deed, and instantly had a miscarriage, presumably out of shock.

    It’s a shit way to kill yourself , especially when you hurt someone else, but I do like the idea of inconveniencing someone when you cash out. Personally, I would also do it in public, so that someone else would have to clean it up, in broad daylight, and cause a bunch of people to be late for work.

  • Figjam

    You could try hanging yourself with a piano wire noose, but for an added twist, superglue your hands to the side of your face. This way, whoever finds you will think that you’ve pulled your own head off.

    • Phillip Keane

      yeah, nice and original, that….

      steal someone else’s suicide idea….are you Carlos Mencia?

  • Jim Meyer

    What about an Optimists Club meeting?

    • StanhopesManTits

      you could jazz this one up by yelling “the glass is half full!!” and then chugging a cup of cyanide

  • Goat

    How about blowing your brain out behind the glass window during the live airing of the Today Show. Matt Lauer will never know what happened and during all the confusion you may beat the live tv delay time.

  • jbrisby

    Doug, you want an original suicide idea for yourself? I got one for you.

    First thing you have to do is find a doppleganger; some random hump who happens to look exactly like you. Then you train him to do your set. Once he can do an hour of Doug Stanhope material as well as you can, you pick some place of your choosing to constructively kill yourself in as showy and dramatic a fashion as possible…the DMV maybe (didn’t you once do a bit about that?).

    Doesn’t really matter where, as long as there’s a ton of witnesses and official documentation. Now, you time it so that about an hour after you kill yourself, your doppleganger goes on stage and performs. At the end of the set, he announces that this is your last performance, and says goodbye to everybody. Then he slips out the back door into the night, and goes back to whatever anonymous life he came from.

    I don’t know if you know any magicians, but maybe you could even jazz it up a bit by arranging for him to just vanish off the stage. The point is, you’re going to have a shitload of people who saw you die at 5:00, and another shitload of people who saw you perform live at 6:00. People will talk about it forever.