Final Six: The Six Hottest Chicks/Ugliest Dudes in Metal

Chris KrovatinChris “Fatneck McFlabbyass” Krovatin is the author of two young adult novels, Heavy Metal & You and Venomous. He is currently working on multiple new writing projects, as well as new material with his local New York metal band Flaming Tusk. He is a freelance writer for Revolver and generally comes off as a good-natured pain in everyone’s collective ass.

Let me be frank with you guys: I totally love Revolver’s Hottest Chicks in Hard Rock issue. It’s arguably my highlight of the heavy-music-magazine year (second only, of course, to the Hit Parader Dick-Touching Tournament). Now, while some readers may snicker and say, “Of course you do, Chris, you fat fucking onanist,” you’re missing the point. The issue is rarely tawdry or disrespectful, but rather a reminder to myself, and hopefully to others out there, that there are many confident, talented, and beautiful women making extreme music right now. (To be fair, though, as a man who likes his women reality-based, the issue could use a plus-size metal chick or two.)

Similarly, I don’t respect an all-male metal band unless at least one of them looks like he’s going to eat my face, take 30 shits, and die. For dudes in extreme metal, hideousness is currency; in fact, the misshapen mugs of Jagger, Vicious, and Kilmeister lead me to believe that rock and roll itself is saturated with a tradition of calculated freakishness amongst men, which only adds to their overall sexiness. When I see a metal singer trying to gyrate me into submission, I get pissed; when he looks like the thing next to the trashcan I passed on the way through the parking lot, I’m down like a clown. So, step right up, Golden Gods and gross bastards alike, for my picks for the Six Hottest Chicks and Ugliest Dudes in Metal.

 The Six Hottest Chicks In Metal:

1) Doro Pesch Not only is Doro still incredibly fine in her 40s, she’s also unspeakably metal. When you imagine a post-apocalyptic warrior woman, you think of Doro Pesch. No. 1, easily.

 

2) Liz Buckingham of Electric Wizard Every metalhead dreams of finding a cute blonde in a denim vest who just wants to smoke weed, worship Satan, and play thunderous doom-metal guitar all day. So simply put: Ms. Buckingham is every metalhead male’s dream come true.

 

3) Karen Cuda of Nashville Pussy The streaky-haired bassist for Southern metal’s filthiest band is an energetic biker babe built for sin. There’s something enchanting about a woman who might beat you up…

 

4) Sean Yseult of White Zombie With the face of a cherub, the bass of a mortician, and the threads of a sideshow freak, Ms. Yseult will always be remembered as as the band member who brought credible sexiness to one of the sexiest bands in metal. Unless you’re really into dreadlocks and cowboy hats.

 

5) Grace Perry of Landmine Marathon Not only is Landmine Marathon’s singer one of the most brutifal vocalists in metal, but she’s incredibly nice, and a Trekkie. So a smoking nerd who screams death metal. Jesus.

 

6) Dr. Mikannibal of Sigh This stunning saxophonist-vocalist for Japan’s premiere black-metal troupe has a PhD in physics and records her parts in the nude. Just be careful, boys—on her MySpace page, her first two interests are “prostate” and “urethra.” Yikes…

 

 

The Six Ugliest Dudes In Metal:

1) Erik Rutan of Hate Eternal The best death-metal vocalists are the ones who actually look like they’re going to murder you in a cave and eat your bones. Well, this guy has bone-eater written all over his severe, misanthropic face.

 

2) Billy Milano of S.O.D. I feel like it’s one thing to have a mean-looking frontman, but it’s another one entirely if he’s an offensive, lumbering, drug-crazed fat fuck. Points to metal’s funniest band for their freakish singer.

 

3) Devin Townsend: OK, these days, the genius behind Strapping Young Lad et al. looks like this (see left). But remember, he once looked like this. Oh yeah. You can’t un-see it.

 

4) William Murderface of Dethklok This unhygienic, overweight, club-footed gap-toothed piece-of-shit bassist is a perfect representation of everything disgusting about death metal. What can I tell you, pobody’s nerfect.

 

5) It of Abruptum Fuck glam metal, it’s all about getting laid. Let’s be the anti-glam and try to never, ever get laid! I know! Let’s hire a repulsive corpse-paint-caked dwarf for a frontman! Brilliant work, everyone!

 

6) Oderus Urungus of Gwar Say it with me now, kids: OH GOD NO.

 

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  • Nemesis

    This guy is a fucking idiot. That’s all I have to say.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1004089989 Mizz’Hell On’Heelz

      Agreed

  • Metal Maya

    Dude, have you seen the guys from Aiden? That whole band is fucked!

  • http://www.crud313.com Dana

    Hell yeah! Great pix!

  • Nate H

    I can’t buy into the hottest chicks list without the inclusion of Simone Simmons.

  • Brittany

    dude…wheres Maria Brink…?!?!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1004089989 Mizz’Hell On’Heelz

    Where’s Amy Lee, Simone Simons, Cristina Scabbia, Maria Brink, Emily Autumn or Emily Lazzar??? Only one of those females r really hot! I think these r the worst results I’ve ever seen LOL

    • deeps

      You mean all the ones that are on every list ever? Go read those fucking lists.
      Give the guy some props for picking some different people for once.

    • http://www.facebook.com/Jackhavok Patricia Reade

      Key word here being Metal*. If they were making a list of “chicks who play music for eighth graders to cut themselves to”, I’m sure most of those ladies would be on there.

      Also, Amy Lee shouldn’t be on anyone’s hot list. She’s very average looking and quite chubby in real life.

  • Roberto

    why isn’t otep on here? I mean on the ugliest dudes list

    • Twiztid_rodimus

      She mine as well be. 

  • DubsyfromDuval

    Where is Stevie from Dark Castle?

  • Crispie619

    Lemmy ain’t in there?

  • Dickbag

    I often forget that the point of being in a metal band is being as pretty as possible.

  • E

    Christina Scabbia is missing!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000036115916 J Logan Hamlin

    No Simone Simmons, NO BEUNO!

  • http://www.facebook.com/jmargavage Jeff Margavage

    Where is Simone Simons of Epica. Not only is she GORGEOUS, she’s one of the most talented vocalists I’ve ever heard.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jimmy.shaffer.7 Jimmy Shaffer

    No Christina Scabbia?? Murderface? …a cartoon?? Good thing they don’t piss test to do your job.

  • http://www.facebook.com/WillowheartReedborn Bobby Benson

    How is Angela Gossow of Arch Enemy and Lemmy Killmeister not on this list?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000100680499 Deathwish Jones

    Grace Perry quit Landmine Marathon 6 months ago

  • http://www.facebook.com/narcjoe Joseph Serrano

    come on , on the ugliest #4 shouldnt even count due to being a cartoon, and Oderus at #6? The guy under the mask is quite a sexy guy :)

  • Bent

    You have a lot of balls saying Devin Townsend, Oderus, and especially Billy Miiano are ugly!! First off Devin is the most talented guitar players off all time. He is also a Canadian icon as well as Oderus (Canadian Space travel at it’s best)! One of our best metal guitar players! Best SKULL-IT in human History. Oderus has screwed all your mother’s (many times) and may be your father! He may be my father. I also know that he rather enjoys the odd fetus or two for an appetizer! Billy would beat you to a pulp and spoon feed you from your ass, Cause that is where your new dentures would have to go. Billy would put you in your place very fast on any subject or argument you can imagine. Billy is a human genius just like Devin and Oderus! Way to go on the judgement of other human’s and space creatures. You have proven that looks must be everything! HUMAN SCUM!!

  • the biz

    What about kitty? Those chicks were all hot.

  • Andydrew003

    Where is Som Pluijmers?

  • SM

    Alissa White-Gluz?