Lamb of God’s Randy Blythe Accidentally Burns Penis

Randy BlytheLamb of God’s vocalist Randy Blythe posted the following story on his Instagram account about how he accidentally burned his penis by spilling coffee:

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING POST IS OF A GRAPHIC PERSONAL NATURE & CONTAINS A TALE OF ABJECT MISERY. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY I’M POSTING THIS. I MUST BE HIGH FROM PAIN STILL. There are moments of extreme physical pain in some of our lives that we will never, ever, forget. Tonight I had one of those moments (this picture I took of my friends Jimmy & Mike of EYEHATEGOD has NOTHING to do with this story, but I needed a photo & they do have a record called “Take As Needed For Pain”). The sun was setting & it was beautiful evening as I road along the coast to the grocery store, still in my surf trunks & sipping on a fresh mug of boiling hot black coffee. I was listening to some mellow piano music & making a right turn when I made the tragic mistake placing the mug between my barely covered legs. As I turned my truck, happily humming along to the mellow piano music on my stereo, suddenly there was a searing white hot explosion of agony in my crotch. The lid of my mug had come loose, and liquid caffeinated FIRE had covered my, well…it had covered my penis. I briefly lost control of my truck, swerving into the lane of oncoming traffic, barely missing another truck, before quickly pulling into a nearby parking lot to try & make some sense of this atrocity I had committed against myself. I felt like I was going to throw up for a good minute or two, then I regained control & started returning home to do what I knew what I had to do. I had to put him on ice. I do not normally talk to my penis, he does not have a nickname or anything like that, but if there ever was a time for encouraging words to my lifelong companion, it was now. The words I said out loud to him as I painfully drove us slowly home went along these lines: OH GOD, DUDE. OH MY GOD, THAT HURT LIKE HOLY FUCK. HANG IN THERE DUDE. OH GOD, HANG IN THERE. WE’RE GONNA MAKE IT. DON’T GIVE UP HOPE. OH MY GOD, DUDE. OH GOD, HANG IN THERE, BRO. I must have looked like a crazy man. When I hit home, he went in a glass of ice water for a bit. He will recover, I have faith. Go ahead & laugh- everyone else I’ve told did, including my wife. This day is now a wash. Goodnight.

 

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  • Frank

    oh shit! daumn

  • RAF

    toothpaste will help

  • Phillip Mitchell

    Dude, so sorry to hear about this.

  • Don Wiggins

    I actually did this once also. My newer girlfriend and I were doing some morning heavy petting so he was quite alert. I was making us some coffee, and I use hot water in the coffee pot to start with. The coffee was SCALDING hot. I got her cup done, and absently reached for mine, and spilled it right on him. I ripped off my sweat pants, and skin was dripping off of it!!! Yeah, I ended up in the emergency room, and was out of commission for about 2 months!!! Worst pain I ever felt in my life!!

  • Diamond Dallas Humphrey

    Oh Randy bro.. I’ve been there sadly. I know what that sudden, HOLY FUCK feels like

  • Jessied203

    Although I’m a female and don’t know exactly what you’re going through, I can venture to guess that it was beyond painful. With that, know that I am in no way laughing at your pain & grief… I am however laughing my ass of at the way you wrote the story!!!

  • WeaverHChrist

    COOL STORY BRO!

  • DrunkJesus

    I can feel the pain, but it didn’t stop me from laughing my ass off.

  • Nathan Dean Graham

    I hope he threw the cup that had his cork in it away.

  • alisa

    Many late night diner fights were started by hot coffee in the crotch. Of course you know I would never do such a thing…… try boiled peanuts, they help everything

  • Riju Dasgupta

    As the penises burn

  • Implode the Abyss

    so is Lamb of God writing a new song teaser? ” Splashes on the Snake “

  • Gord

    Burns his Shillong what an idiot. Hotdog of stupidity…..ha ha