Live Report: Cannibal Corpse on the Rocks Off Cruise, New York City, November 28

Chris Krovatin is the author of three young adult novels, Heavy Metal & You, Venomous, and Gravediggers: Mountain of Bones. He is currently working on multiple new writing projects, as well as new material with his local New York metal band Flaming Tusk. He is a contributing writer for Revolver and generally comes off as a good-natured pain in everyone’s collective ass. This column represents his opinions–and probably only his opinions.

• Location of this death-metal show: A small cruise ship making a large loop around the East River.
• Reason for this venue: Anyone’s guess. Must have been cheaper than playing B.B. King’s.
• Plus side: The ship is small, so it’s like a intimate club show, a la L’Amour.
• Amount of time before the show that I knew it existed: Two hours, 40 minutes.
• General feeling while navigating floating walkways to the ship: This is some Dethklok shit right here.
• Tagline for the night: If you go to one death-metal show this year that actually moves under the Manhattan bridge…
• Temperature outside tonight: Cold as tits.
• Temperature within the ship: Hot as balls.
• Number of metalheads in attendance: Approximately 80.
• Number of female metalheads in attendance: Six. Maybe eight.
• Missed connections section of this blog: You: black hair, a little shorter than me, round face, sleeveless shirt, possibly Asian. Me: inappropriate collared shirt—I came from work—soaked with sweat. Did we have an unspoken moment? Probably not.
• Odds of meeting a woman at a Cannibal Corpse show who is not there with her likely-terrifying boyfriend: 4,206/1
• Price of a Budweiser aboard the ship: $5
• Sad reality: That’s really not that bad for a beer in New York. Maybe more metal bands should book these cruise shows.
• Other refreshments: Free ziti buffet.
• I’m sorry, what?: A free baked ziti and Caesar salad buffet. Again, this cruise concert thing might have to happen more often.
• First up: Misery Index from Bodymore, Murderland.
• Sounds like: Two parts old-school grindcore, one part brutal groovy death metal, all with a coating of political outrage and misanthropic disgust.
• Sad realization: With the bands playing at floor level and everyone jammed up front, you maybe get to actually see one band member for about 20 seconds.
• New experience of the night: Moshing on a boat.
• Noteworthy fact: A boat’s rocking can throw your mosh rhythm all off. It’s infuriating.
• Favorite song of the set: “The Seventh Cavalry” with its slow, muscular crush.
• Best piece of merch available: It forever shall be the Cannibal Corpse ‘I Cum Blood’ thong.
• Best thing to hear directly behind you before a Cannibal Corpse set: “I might ralf.”
• Next: Cannibal Corpse from Tampa, Florida.
• Sounds like: Entrails, ripped from a virgin’s cunt.
• Crowd reaction: Cauldron of hate, rotten body landslide, pit of zombies.
• Huge realization: Now that I see him on the ground, vocalist George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher is not eight feet tall with flaming bile pouring out of his eyes. Go figure!
• Incredible stage banter: “How’s everyone doing in the back? I mean, I hope good, but I can only see three people from down here, and no one’s going anywhere, so…”
• New classics: “Evisceration Plague” and the absolutely neck-wrecking “Scourge of Iron.”
• Old favorites: “Covered in Sores” and “Fucked aith a Knife.”
• Least favorite dude in the pit: The guy in the hat who likes to grab my shoulder and use me as a post to balance himself so he can do his karate kicks.
• Oh look: After doing his kung fu moves and getting tossed around, he’s coming back to use my shoulder a second and third time! Jackass.
• Classic closers: “Hammer Smashed Face” and “Stripped, Raped, and Strangled.”
• Unpleasant aromas experienced post-show: Everyone, the harbor, my balls.
• Drop-off point: 23^rd and FDR Drive. Great, now I get to walk the seven avenue blocks in the cold to the R train.
• Regrets: None.