Live Report: Deicide at Gramercy Theatre, February 21

DeicideChris “Shinsplints” Krovatin is the author of two young adult novels, Heavy Metal & You and Venomous. He is currently working on multiple new writing projects, as well as new material with his local New York metal band Flaming Tusk. He is a contributing writer for Revolver and generally comes off as a good-natured pain in everyone’s collective ass.

On February 21, I saw Deicide with Blackgaurd, Neuraxis, Pathology, and Carcinogen at Gramercy Theatre in NYC. Here’s what I saw.

First Deicide album this reporter owned: Serpents of the Light.
Number of times this reporter has seen Deicide live: Zero. This is a first for me.
Number of Deicide fans it takes to screw in a lightbulb: Go fuck yourself.
Old fuck moment: Man, we made fun of Deicide a lot back in the day for writing album after album about the same damn thing. Who knew they’d just get better?
Band playing upon arrival: Carcinogen from Long Island.
Sounds like: Pretty standard death metal.
How standard: At one point, the singer was just yelling, “YOU’LL BE…DEAD!” while swiping his hand across his throat. Like that.
Still: The lead singer’s wearing a Nile Black Seeds of Vengeance shirt. That’s cool.
Lame merch situation: Deicide appear to be mostly sold out of their only two good shirts. Lame.
What am I gonna do: Get the one with the gargoyle on it?
Deicide’s merch guy: Fattest biker you’ve ever seen.
Next we have: Pathology from San Diego.
Sounds like: Ultra-grunty gore metal with melodic interludes.
Strangest stage routine: Pathology singer Jonathan Huber stalking to one side of the stage and back with his hands down at his sides. Huh?
Hard balance to strike: When do gore metal vocals go beyond having lyrics? If this dude’s trying to actually say things, I can’t understand word one.
Counter-argument: Lots of people say that about metal, period.
Back patch of the night: The dude in the Anthrax Spreading the Disease vest. Old-school bastard.
Wait: Have I given that guy a shout-out before?
Rule of thumb for the night: Apparently the best way to worship Satan is to be an overweight scowler with a pinch-faced midget for a girlfriend.
Hey: I’m down.
Ballsiest shirt choice of the night: The guy in the Stryper shirt.
Favorite old-school Glen Benton story: Apparently, Benton sat down for a short conversation with Euronymous back before the Mayhem guitarist was murdered. The conversation was mostly Euronymous declaring metal “true” or “false” and Benton responding, “…okay.”
Favorite photo of Glen Benton: The one where he’s tripping mushrooms waving around a tricycle.
Now we have: Neuraxis from Montreal.
Sounds like: Imagine a jet engine made with rusty razor blades being fed the writhing insane.
Tech-death stage move: Three sets of hair windmilling at once, in the same direction. Amazingly choreographed.
Realization: Neuraxis frontman Alex LeBlanc seems like a really good dude. His stage banter is jolly as fuck.
Time spent setting up Blackguard’s drum kit: Fifteen, 20 minutes. Seems like forever.
Oh, fuck it: I’m sitting with the other old fucks. Oh man, that’s comfortable.
And honestly: Do I have to be standing for Blackguard?
On that note: Blackguard, also from Montreal.
Wait: Are we thinking of the same Blackguard? They’re on this tour?
Sounds like: Some pirates listened to some Soilwork? I guess. With more keyboards. So.
Bold move of the night: Blackguard vocalist Paul Zinay mouthing off at the crowd. “Dragonforce rule by the way…yeah, you and me, guy. After this.”
Come on, man: You’ve got a New York Deicide crowd trying to deal with pirate metal instead of Belphegor. Be cool.
Number of audience members witnessed wearing huge Satanic jewelry: At least ten.
Number of reporters in the photo pit for Carcinogen: Just me. It was vast.
Number of reporters in the photo pit for Deicide: No more than five. Still vast. Kind of awesome, kind of lame.
Percentage of audience ready to cut out their still-beating hearts in the name of Satan: 666%.
And now, ladies and gentlemen: Fucking Deicide from fucking Florida.
Why try? World dies! Christ hides: When Satan rules his world.
Sounds like: A massive behooved demon, mouth wide with fanged malevolence, punching through the Empire State Building and and lapping the mangled bodies and rubble off of his arm. Then he drops the grossest deuce imaginable onto St. Patrick’s Cathedral before having sex with Lady Liberty.
Number of times Glen Benton has branded an inverted cross into his forehead: Seven or eight, I think, at this point. Does it matter?
Favorite stage banter: “I’ve been told there’s a dude in a Stryper shirt wandering around the crowd…man…good luck getting home.”
Deicide is: A band’s vocalist warning an audience member that he might be murdered for liking Christian metal.
Classic of the night: “Dead By Dawn” off the self-titled debut.
New classic of the night: “Death To Jesus” off of The Stench of Redemption.
Holy shit: This is easily one of the best death metal sets I’ve ever seen.
Question of the night: Where is your God now?
First Deicide show ever: A smashing success.
To the guy in the Stryper shirt: Hope you made it out of there, dude.

 

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