Live Report: Skeletonwitch with 3 Inches of Blood and Praetorian

Chris KrovatinChris “Shinsplints” Krovatin is the author of two young adult novels, Heavy Metal & You and Venomous. He is currently working on multiple new writing projects, as well as new material with his local New York metal band Flaming Tusk. He is a contributing writer for Revolver and generally comes off as a good-natured pain in everyone’s collective ass.

On Sunday, April 17, I went to see Skeletonwitch, who played with 3 Inches of Blood and Praetorian at the Gramercy Theatre in New York. Here’s what happened.

Skeletonwitch

Average age of an audience member at Gramercy Theatre: 17.
Feelings on said age bracket: Positive. Good for the kids for supporting battle metal and death-thrash.
Strange venue alteration: Gramercy Theater cutting their seating in half and adding a new VIP section on the side of the stage.
Special crazy VIP treatment: Pay 10 bucks and you get to sit by the side of the stage and get discounted prices on Bud Light tall boys.
Price of a Bud Light tall boy with VIP discount: Nine bucks.
Other terms for Gramercy Theater pricing: Highway robbery, total bullshit, a Shakespearean fucking tragedy, ridiculous.
Coolest denim vest of the night: The big chubby dude with the Toxic Holocaust back patch. Badass.
Favorite line overheard while wandering through the crowd: “You’ve gotta understand, man, it all started with Immortal. They were, like, the first black-metal band ever.”
Piece of metal trivia: That is not true.
First up for the night: Praetorian from Long Island.
Sounds like: Grindy death metal with power-charged solos and keyboard flourishes throughout.
Crowd reaction: Reluctantly positive.
Estimated age of Praetorian bassist Eddie: 12.
Best track: Blackened shredder “Fallacy.”
Stage issue: Praetorian’s lead guitarist seems to really like running to center stage and vamping with his ax, but he needs to figure out how to do that without almost running over his lead singer.
Number of inches of blood it takes for someone to drown in it: 3.
Number of inches of soup it takes for someone to drown in it: …3? Probably?
And with that: 3 Inches of Blood from fucking Canada.
Sounds like: An armor-clad war-beast riding a dragon’s back as he swoops into Hell to do bloody battle with the Devil himself.
Awesome opener: “The Goatrider’s Horde.”
Much-loved charger: “Night Marauders.”
Much-anticipated B-side: “Destroy the Orcs.”
Combined hair length of 3 Inches Of Blood: Sixty miles.
Interesting stage banter choice: 3IoB vocalist Cam Pipes choosing to do half of his spoken pieces in his normal voice, the other half in his unholy Elmo-ish screech.
You heard me: Cam Pipes sounds like Elmo riding a tank through Hades. What of it?
And finally: Skeletonwitch from fucking Ohio.
Sounds like: Bathory and Aura Noir take a page from Pantera, then make the biggest bowl of chili you’ve ever seen.
Number of children that vocalist Chance Garnette’s beared eats daily: 6.
Ever seen a kid eaten by a beard: All that’s left behind is a skeletonwitch.
Favorite tracks of the night: “Upon Black Wings” and “Crushed Beyond Dust.”
How do you crush something beyond dust: Mortar and pestle, gotta warm your hands first.
Track sorely missed: “Vengeance Will Be Mine.”
Members of Skeletonwitch I’d rather not be punched by: All of them except Scunty D.
What, is he a pussy or something: No, it would simply be an honor to take a fist in the eye from one such as Scunty.
Number of Taquitos bought post-show at 7-11: Three.
Resulting intestinal drama: Let’s get say I had a bad case of the Night Marauders, if you get me.

Skeletonwitch photo: John Mourlas

 

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