The Most Metal Moments of Last Night’s Californication

What’s the best way to cure writer’s block? Well, if you’re Californication‘s decadence-obsessed ne’er-do-well author Hank Moody, played by David Duchovny, you drink heavily, visit your ex, hang out with your disgraced agent, go to rock star’s mansions, visit groupies muses in their topless native climes, and try to convince portly, falsetto-prone drug dealers to give up rock relics as well as some coke. As a writer for Revolver, I can attest to, well, none of that as being an actual cure for writer’s block, and it doesn’t work out the best for Moody either. But it made for a funny episode, titled “Rock and a Hard Place,” that centers mostly around a quest to obtain a guitar that sounds like “listening to Jesus ejaculate into the mouth of the angel Gabriel.” Or so we’re told. Just the “Rock and a Hard Place” title alone suggests the double-entendres ahead, so without further ado, here are the episode’s most metal moments.

Visiting Faith, the Rock Muse, and her Groupie-in-Training

Since her first appearance in the episode “Quitters,” and her explanation of “groupie etiquette” in the episode “Dead Rock Stars,” this season’s groupie-with-the-heart-of-gold character Faith, played by Maggie Grace, has come off mostly as sweet and even vulnerable. It’s only now, when Moody and his agent friend Charlie Runkle visit her at her bungalow, that she starts to show her alpha-female side, which should evolve as the season goes on. By her side, throughout the episode, is her friend Shari (actress Meghan Falcone), who seems to be something like a groupie-in-training. She greets Moody and Runkle topless (NBD) and later, when the foursome goes on a quest to acquire the aforementioned guitar and some blow for Runkle’s new client, rock-star Atticus Fetch, she seems somewhat open to Faith’s request for her to give the big dude who played Hurley on Lost(the drug dealer) “a blowjob that could cure cancer.” “What, why do you always do this to me?” Shari asks. To which, Faith says, “You said so yourself, you need the practice.” (Oddly, they made no “blow-for-blow” or “quid-pro-blow” jokes, but maybe those are some too obvious turns of phrase for a show that revels in tongue-through-cheek repartee.) It turns out (spoiler), Shari doesn’t need to find Hurley’s hidden smoke monster. But as Faith starts putting herself out more, she’s going to start getting the upper hand with the sexually fixated Moody. Especially, given the way, they leave things off in the episode, where Faith tells Moody, “You’ve got that thing that I look out for. The thing that’s hard to describe, that lush spark.” He says, “Some would call that ‘genius.’” And then she cuts him down, “Some might, but I won’t. I think ‘genius’ is the single most overused word of our lifetimes.” Moody says, “Word,” but he might as well say, “I surrender,” from what our crystal ball is saying.

A Smashing Good Time

Before we get to the goods, I’d like to point out that it seems like every episode Californication this season seems to find new ways of forcing actor Evan Handler to strip naked. When the quartet were negotiating for coke and guitars from the Hurley drug dealer, the true cost for such items turned out to be not a blowjob but Runkle’s suit. This explains the photos. Now that context has been established, the scene where Fetch, played by a dirty-looking and nightgown-clad Tim Minchin, finally gets his angelically ejaculatory guitar, he’s soon enraged that Runkle couldn’t procure more than a baggie of the “Peruvian flake” he requested, so he starts to smash the 1945 Martin. Faith stops him just in time, and Fetch says, “You’re absolutely right, this is a magnificent piece of rock-and-roll history, and it must be treated accordingly.” Then he adds the stinger, “And by the way your defiance gave me a thunderous erection.” After the overshare, we got this lovely, and unquestionably metal, image:

The Cock Cage

Certainly not “metal” in the awesome sense, but the emergence of a “cock cage” is metal in the literal sense. When Charlie’s ex Marcy (Pamela Adlon) presents her estranged new husband, Hollywood producer Stu Beggs, with the male-chastity contraption, she explains, “It traps your cock in a flaccid state, Stu, which is very nice and cozy. But if you get aroused, if you surrender to your baser instincts, it can make things very unpleasant for Little Big Man down there.” She waves it in his face, and leaves him to watch girl-on-girl porn. As he says, “Ouch!”

Production stills by Jordan Althaus/SHOWTIME

 

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