Update: Lamb of God’s Randy Blythe Reveals Condition of Burnt Penis

lambofgodRemember when Randy Blythe burnt the hell out of his wiener? Well, the Lamb of God vocalist just posted an update to his Instagram account in which he explains that his member is alive and well and back in fighting form. Read his full statement below:

I never thought I would ever be writing something like this, but here is an update on the condition of my penis: HE IS 100% RECOVERED & FULLY FUNCTIONAL, COMPLETELY CAPABLE OF PERFORMING ANY OF HIS NORMAL DUTIES. No scarring, so scabbing, no PTSD. He’s good to go. I suppose it took a while (like a week) for the metal “news” sites to pick up this obviously very important story in the world of heavy metal, but they did (I guess they will run anything, or it must be a slow week- I wrote that story here just to give y’all a few laughs- damn, all I did was dump hot coffee on my unit- I’m sure it happens to someone everyday). Now I am getting texts from my friends saying things like “Ouch! Are you ok?” or “I’m really, really, sorry about The Captain, dude”- while the sudden outpouring of concern for the welfare of my penis is heartwarming indeed (it brings a tear to my eye, it really does), it’s not like someone tried to chop him off or he suddenly developed the ability to do calculus or something- now THAT would have been worthy of the news. Anyways, with penises, just as with all things in life, that which does not kill us only makes us stronger. This video is from just two days ago, well after the scalding incident in question- I ask you, my friends- is this the wipe out of a man not in full command of his penis? Would a man suffering the agony of penile distress have the presence of mind to wave goodbye to the camera so gracefully? NO, HE WOULD NOT. My dude was a little sore for two days- that’s it. Ok, that’s enough about my penis- I shall never mention him here again. (ps- I am VERY careful with coffee in the car now, always using the cup holder)


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  • Diego Desfase

    Burn the penis

  • David Ayala

    Randy Blythe is fucking awesome.

  • Philip Clum

    While I am a huge Lamb of God fan, I really don’t want to hear about Randy’s fried junk! It’s getting to the point were any type of media is being reported, whether it is news worthy or not. This is an example of an un-newsworthy story. Come on REVOLVER Magazine pull your heads out of your asses, and stick to the music. MTV is a joke anymore, and I’d hate to see you follow the same path.

  • Del Parrish

    ‘Coffee-Scalded Penis’. Good Dethklok song title. Duncan Hills Coffee gets the reskitduals. :)