Weekend Nachos Vocalist John Hoffman Lists the Top Five Signs that You Are a Poser in Extreme Music
Chicago hardcore outfit Weekend Nachos are the real deal–the band’s ripping new album, Still, makes that readily apparent. The record is available on the Relapse Records’ website, and for more on the group, visit the band’s Facebook page. Here, vocalist John Hoffman lists for Revolver the Top Five Signs That You Are a Poser in Extreme Music.
5. BEING A TAPPER “This applies to drummers only, but is a huge issue for me as a fan of metal and hardcore. You might think it’s really awesome that you can rely on triggers and just tap away at your expensive drum set, but to me, you are nothing more than a xylophonist in a symphony orchestra. At what point did you decide that precision was more important than pure hatred and rage? Hit your drums hard otherwise your band will suffer as a result. Seriously. Too many times I have gone to see a band play and been repulsed by how big of a sissy the drummer was. I love tight blast beats as much as the next guy, but I don’t love them enough to watch a drummer for one of my favorite bands play music the same way he would kiss his grandma on the cheek.”
4. CAB TO VOLUME RATIO “Well, it is clear to me that you have a lot of gear. Maybe your label bought it for you, maybe you slaved away at some awful job–either way, that’s cool. I like gear. But wait…you just hit your opening note and I can’t hear shit. Wait, it’s probably the sound guy’s fault, because of course we all know sound guys are the lowest form of human life and they almost always suck at what they do. FUCK, it’s not the sound guy because I am seeing you in a basement that can fit maybe 50 people. So why are your cabs not pushing anything out of them?! That’s right–you are more concerned about looking cool than actually being cool. I am so tired of seeing a ‘heavy’ band and not even needing to wear my ear plugs. Either your gear really isn’t that great or you simply don’t know how to use it. I wish you would go back to playing in Neutral Milk Hotel, who are probably louder than your ‘doom’ band anyways.”
3. NOT WATCHING OTHER BANDS “Now we’re moving on to a non-musical aspect of poserdom–your disinterest in what the opening bands have to offer. Look, I get it. You’re tired. You’ve been on the road all day. You have played a thousand shows and realized that most opening bands are not very good–it’s true, I can admit this. But I have to ask, who the FUCK are you anyways? I understand not watching every band that you play with, but when your first instinct is to head straight to the green room and chillax until your set, well I have good news for you–you are a poser. Why are you involved in this if all you want to do is jerk yourself off? Are you that much of a jaded old man that you can’t even show your face to your fans until you get up on that stage? To each his own, but this is my opinion: Stop. These kids love your music and they worship you. Give them more of a reason to appreciate your existence than just the time you spent in a studio recording your album. I don’t expect everything to function the way DIY hardcore does, but regardless of what scene you come from, we are all in this together. You are no better than anybody else and you should be interested in what’s going on outside of the little bubble you’ve created for yourself. That is, unless you are a poser.”
2. NO SENSE OF HUMOR “People who are ALL EVIL/NO FUN make me laugh. It is such a joke. I mean…seriously. COME ON. We know that you have a girlfriend and you watch cheesy movies with her. We know that you eat brunch. We know that you watch Dumb and Dumber instead of just horror movies all the time. So why do you want us to believe that you came straight from the crypt to terrorize our peaceful world? Look…Slayer is cool. Their imagery rules, but those dudes smile. They fuck around. They make jokes. You, for some reason, do not. I am not impressed. Let your goofy side out because no one thinks you are anything other than a poser.”
1. GLOSSY BAND PHOTOS “Welp…here it is. The No. 1 sign that you are a poser in extreme music–the band photo. There BETTER be something funny about your band photo if you dare hire an expensive photographer to take one. When you are all standing there with your Suffocation and ‘LISTEN TO BLACK SABBATH’ shirts on, looking like some edgy college chick just spent three hours doing your makeup, what else am I supposed to think other than that you are a poser? The glossy band photo is one of the lamest things about the metal and hardcore genre. If I thought you were joking around and making fun of how seriously people take themselves, I’d definitely give you a pass. But let’s face it…you’re not. You want to look cool, but there’s a problem…you aren’t. You’re one of the biggest dorks I’ve ever seen. Please don’t even attempt to show me otherwise with your glossy band photo. Poser.”