EDITORIAL INTERN CHRIS KROVATIN: FINAL SIX—THE SIX MOST METAL & LEAST METAL DRINKS

“Conversation, like certain portions of the anatomy, always runs more smoothly when lubricated.” –The Marquis de Sade, Quills

It’s my honest belief that if I stopped drinking tomorrow, I’d rot like a zombie left out in the sun. It’s like the alcohol’s the only thing holding me together, like a fetus in a jar on Paul Booth’s mantelpiece. Some nights, my body still feels sufficiently boozed-up from a previous drinking endeavor, but other nights I’ll be beside myself with thirst and have to spend at least three hours pounding PBR and Makers Mark at Welcome to the Johnsons on Rivington before I can actually function in the outside world. And while my alcoholism is probably ravaging the shit out of my body, it certainly keeps my mind in order—if I couldn’t have a couple of pints now and then, I’d probably kill every single one of you (though to be honest, it’s really my pot use that keeps me sane, but that’s a list for April). Point is, I enjoy being pickled.

Now, while many lanky punks with X’s drawn on their fists may disagree with me, alcohol plays an important role in hard rock and metal. The anesthetic effect of alcohol often allows one to headbang faster, scream louder, and puke harder, and it’s therefore the chosen medication for the everyday metalhead. But not all booze is good booze—some liquor, due to its taste, quality, or marketing traditions, will never be cool, no matter how fucked-up it may get you. Sure, at the end of the night a metalhead’ll drink some fruity elderberry-flavored whatever-the-fuck if that’s all that’s left, but given options, metalheads have a strange set of specific standards when it comes to what goes down their unholy gullets. Therefore, I tipsily present you with the Six Most Metal/Least Metal Drinks. Make it a double!


THE SIX MOST METAL DRINKS

1) The Tall-Boy Big, wet, and affordable, the tall-boy is the staple-point of any metalhead’s alcoholic diet. Be it Budweiser, PBR, Modelo, or Guinness, the tall-boy is a solid drunk pill for the reality-stricken headbanger. Got three bucks? Take two of these and call me in the morning.

2) The Blacktooth Grin Named after a Megadeth lyric, consumed regularly by Vinnie Paul and Dimebag—what’s NOT metal about it? Honestly, the Blacktooth is simply a glorified double whiskey with coke, but who cares? There’re few things more metal than whiskey, and this drink contains two different kinds. Hold onto your stomachs, boys.

3) The Gin Martini A lot of people discuss the proper method of making a dry martini, all the while using faux-class to mask the fact that it’s a big fucking glass of ice-cold gin (or vodka—nothing against it, I just don’t fuck with vodka). Nothing makes you feel fancier and more violent than a few of these babies. Just remember, guys, martinis are like breasts: One is never enough, but three is way too many.

4) The Absinthe Cocktail Want to go slowly insane before dying of syphilis? We thought you would. Pour water over a sugar cube into a shot of absinthe, the verdant favorite of Oscar Wilde and Marilyn Manson. Then, throw on Pig Destroyer’s “Natasha” and become one with the Green. In Xanadu did Kubla Kahn a stately pleasure-dome decree…

Chris and executive editor Brandon perform an afternoon absinthe ritual in the office, ghetto-style...with a cheese grater and paper cups

5) Horn of Wine Nothing is as metal as drinking from the hollowed-out horn of a labor animal. Amon Amarth are down with that shit, as are Unleashed and Ensiferum (plus, y’know, the gods of Asgard). Extra points go to anyone drinking mead from a horn—mead is Viking honey-wine, tastes like bug juice, and gets you fucking lifted. Skål, berserkers!

6) The Jager Shot The devil’s blood itself. Drink 10 of these, headbang to Fabulous Disaster, vomit, repeat.

THE SIX LEAST METAL DRINKS

1) Vodka & Soda Flavorless liquor with flavorless mixer equals blecch. Honestly, a vodka and soda might be the one thing I wouldn’t pound to get hammered if it was all that was left at the end of the night. The very thought of it makes me shudder, honestly.

2) The Mojito Fruity mixed drinks are not necessarily un-metal—a Long Island Iced Tea or a Zombie can be good on a sweltering August day. The Mojito, though, has a mix of mint, lime, and rum that makes it distinctively lame, a drink to look cool and feel fancy with, even though it’s grosser than pus.

3) Anything involving Malibu I’m not too hot on rum, I don’t like coconut, and I hate, HATE, everything to do with Malibu. Its flavor is almost as infuriating as its fucking bottle—white, with a palm tree on it. What short-bus asshole designed that classless piece of shit? The people I know who drink Malibu straight are un-metal in a way I long thought to be impossible. Fuck Malibu. Dammit, now I need a drink.

4) Pinot Grigio White wine is, to me, the liquor equivalent of Kenny G. Wine should be dark, flavorful, and strong, not hinting of fizz and cheese. Pinot Grigio is yet another drink I’d rather stay sober than imbibe; it’s general blandness and lack of complexity leaves me loathing it, and there’s no way you can raise a glass of this swill when “War Ensemble” comes on and get away with it.

5) Smirnoff Ice The term “chick drink” doesn’t always make sense to me, as most of the chicks I know can put their booze away. With Smirnoff Ice, though, the label makes sense: This isn’t a drink for female drinkers, it’s a drink for chicks, women who need that overdone lemonade flavor to have a drink in the first place. Every time I’ve tasted this stuff, it’s hurt my teeth, throat, and soul.

6) The Appletini Like a Martini after a stint as a prison bitch.