FINAL SIX: SIX HEAVY-METAL FASHION DO'S & DON’TS

By editorial intern Chris Krovatin

Baalberith, are you ready to—woah. Hold on. Wait. You are NOT going to Gigantour dressed like that. Well, for starters, those pants have to go. What? Because neon-green bondage straps are gauche like a motherfucker, dude! We’re not seeing Paul Oakenfold spin some ill house beats; we’re going to a metal show. Also, get rid of those boots. I won’t be seen with someone who wears those exo-steel toes. What? No! No, don’t wear fangs! Or fishnets, you moron! Dude, someone obviously told you that Gigantour was some kind of undead drag queen convention. Here, let me look through your closet…Baal, man, look at this lace-up brown leather Viking gauntlet! And this sliced-up Metal Church shirt! You never wear these! Go into the bathroom and put these on, but hurry, or Asmodeus and Narcosia will scalp our tickets.

You care how you look. Oh, you don’t give a dog’s dick what other people think, of course, but you care. Metalheads are some of the most fashion-conscious people out there, even if you’ll never see them at H&M. Part of metal is drama, big statements, and displays, and nothing says “LOOK AT THIS!!!” like clothing. The problem is that metal emphasizes the outrageous, and people often mix up “dramatic” and “utterly fucking hideous.” You can explain away your eyesore of an outfit with the fact that you’re a metalhead, and basically two steps away from being a carnie, but honestly, that doesn’t change the fact that you look retarded. There’s a fine line between crazy and stupid (a line that I straddle like a Harley), and so it’s hard to pin down what exactly works and what doesn’t. So, at the risk of ripping off a magazine of, uh, distinctive repute and having everyone in the Revolver offices call me a ’mo under their breath, I present to my Six Heavy-Metal Fashion Dos & Don’ts—though honestly, you shouldn’t give a dog’s dick what I think.

The Six Heavy-Metal Fashion Dos

1) Denim vest As old-school as they come. After my first year at the Wacken Open Air Festival, I came home determined to own a denim vest, and the next thing I knew I was sewing patches onto it like it was my job. Big props if you cut the sleeves off yourself, and extra points if it reeks of weed.

2) Army fatigues While tight jeans are super fucking metal, they’re not for everyone (especially fatties like me). Camo fatigues are generally more flattering, though, and can be easily and fashionably tucked into your boots.

3) Combat boots As if on cue. I don’t often go in for simplicity over intensity, but plain black leather military boots are always cool, with Converse All Stars a close second. Stomp like you mean it.

4) The military dress For the ladies, the military dress is always a plus. There’s something about a button-up dress with a tapered waist and broad shoulders that drives me apeshit. Think ’40s side-of-a-bomber pin-up. Va-va-voom and such.

5) Cross necklace It can be normal like Iommi’s, iron like Lemmy’s, or inverted like Gaahl’s, but a cross hanging around your neck always looks good on a fashionable young (or practically ancient) headbanger. It’s maybe the oldest symbol mankind has ever known, and it looks badass (Note: I don’t consider a swastika a cross in any way. Nazi punks fuck off).

6) Bullet belt Tried, true, and always badass. STRAP IT ON!

The Six Heavy Metal Fashion Don’ts

1) Moon boots Remember that comment about simplicity? Just because you have six-inch platform boots doesn’t make you more able to kick someone’s teeth in; in fact, it often just makes you stumble around like a robot. Unnecessary buckles, straps, and metal plating are equally stupid.

2) The dude dress We’ve all worn some big pants in our day—I’ve rocked some Tripp NYC bondage trousers—but the mumu-looking bondage skirt or the buckle-up Goth priest’s robe never looks good. It’s a nice idea, guys, but this ain’t The Matrix, and you ain’t Neo.

3) The Goth fairy skirt Endless layers of taffeta are to be groped through drunkenly on prom night, not rocked like a hurricane. Ladies, as much as you might think that having a skirt like a solar system will make you classy, it won’t. For women’s metal fashion, look at Liz Buckingham of Electric Wizard. THAT’S a lady.

4) The hand-gauntlet You seen these things? They’re thong-shaped spiked leather made to wrap around the hand to make your handspiked. They look uncomfortable, troublesome, and stupid unless you’re in a black-metal band.

5) The cravat BAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! Look, enjoy classical music and a baroque aesthetic all you want, but that shit has got to go. There’s nothing powerful or noble about this douchey neck accessory. Sorry, Witchery.

6) The top hat There are two men who can safely rock the top hat in metal, and Mr. Cooper and Mr. Diamond have been doing it since you were a gleam in your daddy’s eye. Fuck off.