SPINEFEAST AT SEA: THE BEST AND WORST THINGS ABOUT GOING TO FINLAND FOR A METAL CRUISE

Most Unpleasant “How Do You Do”: The light pouring into the cabaret the second day of the fest as Celesty and Kiuas play. Never have I seen so many hungover rock zombies.

Best Metal Trooper During Kiuas’ Sunlight-Drenched Set: Mikko Laime. This dude was not only wearing a crusted Manowar T-shirt and heavily spiked armbands, which he snuck in, but also pink furry handcuffs hanging from his rock belt. Why was he wearing pink furry handcuffs? “To piss these people off. It shows I’m soft on the inside.”

Best (Only?) Instance of Recognizable English Spoken by a Band Onstage: Kiuas’ singer as he introduces “Race With the Falcons”: “My money is on the falcons!”

Most Over-the-Top Performance by a Finnish Prog-Metal Band: Kiuas again. I’ve never seen more ball-grabbing, in-audience guitar solos, or audience-band chug contests in the middle of the afternoon on a boat in the Baltic before in my life.

Grossest Breakfast of the Trip: A ham sandwich and strawberry yogurt (not together). Still, it looked better than the green piece of pizza one of my metal-journo compatriots ingested.

Most Disgusting Canned Food: Is that fucking boar?!

Most Shocking Moment: The Finnish or Estonian or Whatever stewardess who burst in on me while I was changing in my cabin on the cruise. The relevant fact is that she didn’t speak English and she absolutely, without protest wanted me out of the room right then and there so she could change the sheets. I screamed, I gesticulated, I spoke slowly and she just continued to yell at me in her native tongue. Eventually she pulled out her cell phone, typed in “30”—which I took to mean “Get the hell out of the room in 30 minutes…or else!”—and left. I’ve never laced my belt and buckled it so quick. The room sure was clean, though, when I got back.

Best Way to Show Your Love for Mötley Crüe: Tattües!

Most Offensive Question a Finn Asked Me (While Very, Very Drunk): “Now that you have a black president, what are you going to do? Invade Finland?” Uhh…

Coolest Finnish National Concept: Sisu. The way the same drunk Finn explained it, it’s sort of like guts or balls: “Seeing someone assassinate your entire family right in front of you, and then when the killer points the gun at you, you flip him off.” Apparently years of being invaded by the Russians and the Swedes and the Germans can have that effect on a country.

Oddest Point of National Pride: Nokia is a Finnish company. Not Japanese. I don’t know how many people told me this, but now I know. Incidentally, the Nokia phone belonging to the one dude who told me this fact uncountable times didn’t work. Ouch.

Most Metal Way off the Ship in Case of Emergency: The VIKING Evacuation Chute.

Worst Disappointment About Taking a Metal Cruise From Helsinki to Estonia: The ship didn’t dock! Oh look, there’s Estonia. I’m still saying I made it to Tallinn, because my cell-phone company charged me Estonian rates ($1.99/min.!) for my calls on the boat.