LOVE AND SEX ADVICE FROM REVOLVER’S HOTTEST SEX ADVICE BLOGGER (WARNING: EXPLICIT CONTENT)

As a proud owner of a vagina, and daughter of a gynecologist, I feel more than qualified to offer up honest, raw, and unadulterated advice regarding all things related to sex, the human body, and relationships. So, all you metalhead freaks out there, please email me your most dire, dirty, sick, and twisted questions about women and the way we work, from our emotional hearts to our even more complicated parts. Email me at RevolvHer@gmail.com.

Dear RevolvHER,
I am in the perfect storm of romantic bullshit. On the one hand, there's a girl who is crazy about me and treats me well (she cooks for me!), but I'm not all that attracted to her. There's no spark! There's another girl who's hot as Hell but too weird and crazy for a commitment. And then there's my ex, the love of my life, who I still love but who wants to be friends. What do I do? Settle for the good woman, press on the hot chick, or hold out for my true love? HELP!
Larry Desperate
Intercourse, PA


Dear Larry,
Waaaah, Larry has too much pussy to choose from. Most of my readers are pouring their hearts out to me about how they can’t get laid, how they can’t find love, and how they are isolated and lonely. But having a bunch of not-so-great options is an equally shitty place to be. Perhaps you are in this perfect romantic storm because you can’t let go of your ex, and therefore you aren’t open to finding new love. Or maybe, deep down, you aren’t quite ready for real commitment and intimacy so you are choosing three impossible scenarios. I recommend that you don’t just sit there, but do nothing. What I mean is, take some time off from relationships in order to get over the one woman you are still hanging onto. You might not be ready to jump into a new, committed situation until you can really let go of “the love of your life.” In the meantime, you should avoid leading on the girl who’s really into you if you can’t reciprocate her feelings. Remember that even if you tell her there is no chance at a relationship, she will assume that she can change you with her amazing cooking skills—that’s what women do. As for the hot, crazy bitch, I can only tell you in hindsight that continuing anything with her is not worth the agony it will bring, but that won’t stop you from fucking her silly.
xxx
RevolvHER