FINAL SIX: THE SIX WORST & BEST THINGS A BAND CAN DO FOR THEIR METAL CRED

Heard the new Meatball Grinder record? Fuckin’ blows, dude. Hey, I know, I fucking loved that last MBG joint, too, but this one’s just miserable. Hrm? Clean vocals, dude. Five out of the 13 songs on the album are all clean arpeggio-ed vocals. Exactly. And on track three, “Blenderella,” there’s a guest rap by M.I.A. Baalberith told me there’s going to be a part during their live show now where they all come out in matching jumpsuits and mimic sucking each other off while a clown plays Chopin on a kazoo in the background. I know—what the fuck happened to them?

One wrong move and you’re done, guys. While metal fans are rabid and loyal, they’re also incredibly unforgiving of big screw-ups. When your favorite metal band does something you hate, it’s as though they’ve spit on your generosity (and money—buying a shirt at a concert these days is like leasing a Volvo, am I right?). The problem is, a lot of bands don’t know they’re fucking up until their fans turn their backs on them, and even the bands who’ve caught on often never recovered. (Ever heard Kiss defend The Elder? When’s the last time Metallica extolled St. Anger?) So to help those precipice-hangers out, here are the Six Worst and Best Things A Band Can Do For Their Metal Cred.

The Six Worst Things A Band Can Do For Their Metal Cred

1) Decry metal “Metal’s stupid.” These two words are a fucking death sentence. Expanding horizons is good, and a band can define their genre-title however they want, but don’t insult the genre and fan base that got you here.

2) Switch genres overnight Metalheads can smell fakeness, and nothing’s faker than completely changing your band’s M.O. in one sweep. Again, change is good—stagnancy is pretty terrible—but it’s when a band completely forsakes their aesthetic in favor of a new interest that things get iffy.

3) Paint yourself into a corner If you mention exploding cats in every fucking interview for over a year, you’re gonna be the “kings of exploding-cat metal,” and they’ll carve an exploding cat on your fucking tombstone. Don’t get too caught up in your momentary obsession.

4) Tour for too long I understand that your last album was your breakthrough hit, but if you stay on the road for the next three years straight, you’re going to come back to a scene that is poised and ready to be totally over you. Keep writing.

5) Suddenly get really into weed I think, and Jose Mangin would agree with me here, that weed is awesome. However, if you’re not one of those weed-centric bands, suddenly being a really obvious pothead is kind of lame (a good example: Tool’s “Rosetta Stoned” on 10,000 Days. Cheese sauce).

6) Be a dick OK, your album did well. You’re the biggest band on the scene. But you’re no better a human being, so try not to act like you’re King Shit just because you made the poster in this month’s Revolver. Two words: Axl Rose.

The Six Best Things A Band Can Do For Their Metal Cred

1) Pace yourself Don’t put out one EP every three years, but don’t glut the market either—work. Put out some material somewhat consistently, and release the occasional vinyl special addition. Keep up a rhythm.

2) Remember the little people You may be on the cover of Revolver now, but think about how grateful you were when that shitty little zine interviewed you five years ago. The people who believed in your when you were struggling were there for keeps, so make sure you keep ’em in mind.

3) Cultivate an aesthetic All good bands have an atmosphere, a look, a niche. Find that. Look into your merch art, poster art, stage decorations. Feel free to experiment, but keep the base. If Slayer released a pink shirt, I’d be kinda put off.

4) Have a side project Side projects are famously bad ideas for successful bands, but the ones that work are the ones that allow for a separate creative outlet. It’s better to start the bluegrass crew on the side than try to incorporate your hippie redneck tendencies into your gore-metal band.

5) Act like a dude When a band I like cancels a show, I always respect it when they post some sort of “Sorry, guys, but…” thing online. Answer fan mail, shake hands, buy shots. You never hear anyone describe Dimebag as egotistical and standoffish.

6) Buy it More is more. Don’t worry too much about looking cool or being hip—just do what you do, and do it full-on. Be yourself, or whatever, be someone else, but just be it, and be the best at it. Two words: Axl Rose.

By editorial intern Chris Krovatin