GUEST BLOG: LANDMINE MARATHON’S GRACE PERRY…GOES TO MARYLAND DEATHFEST

Pre-fest:
I am here in wonderful Baltimore, Maryland, preparing for a weekend of debauchery and blood that is known as the Maryland Deathfest. I'm helping David Hall, who has a production company called Handshake Inc. (handshakeinc.com) that has made videos for Fuck the Facts, Today is the Day, Jucifer, and Sigh. He is going to be here this weekend to work on a project called Maryland Deathfest: The Movie. It will capture the awesomeness of the weekend that features a cross section of all that is great in metal at the moment.

Where do I start...? Bolt Thrower, Asphyx, Mayhem, Napalm Death, Pestilence, Misery Index, Rotten Sound, Trap Them, Hail of Bullets, and a bunch of other serious motherfuckers shitting themselves for the sake of all that is brutal. I will be hosting features and interviews, but mostly I'll be drinking and crushing skulls. I am so excited for this. You should be, too, and if you aren't, you're a bullshit puncher who doesn't know goddamn about fuck'll.

Anyway, I arrived in Baltimore a day ahead of the rest of the crew and have been trying to find ways to entertain myself. Last night I was craving some potato chips, maybe Funions, so I decided to explore Baltimore at night on foot. I ended up on one of the sketchiest streets I have ever been on, but came out with chips in hand triumphantly. Still, a bad idea. Today I ventured into the heart of touristy Baltimore, some annoying shit called The Harbor...where believe it or not there is a harbor! This bat-shit crazy lady convinced me to get a pedicure (a foot massage without, unfortunately, a happy ending) for the first time ever. I didn't warn them that I don't wear socks and my shoes smell like Al Pacino's breath after a Mexican hotdog.

Pretty sure I caught her gag and throw up in her mouth a few times, but she swallowed it because in Vietnam, vurps are a delicacy. "Too buku!" she said, so I slapped her with my left and told her to start grinding at my toenails. She cried, but she knew I did it because I love her and kept working at my feet. I'll miss you Ming, you beautiful bitch.

So now it's time for a pre-party featuring Ghoul, Pulling Teeth, Lethal Agression, and others. More shit happened, some totally fucked-up shit involving decapitated goat heads and swine after-births, but I don't feel like recounting all that. The things I have seen here so far cannot be unseen. If Deathfest can continue the depravity, we should all have a good fucking time.

P.S. My band is trying to think of a name for the tour we're setting up in August. My suggestions have been: Get Fresh 69 Blast Bonanza, Balls Deep Tour, Dylan May Get Raped Tour, Tour de France en Estados Unidos, Party Party Party Bushy Balls Tour, or the I'm Lost, Call Ho Jack Tour... They were all turned down!?

Post-fest:
Ever since Maryland Deathfest I’ve been on a psychedelic journey through time, space, and gas stations. Seeing Bolt Thrower twice was too much for my measly woman brain to handle; afterwards I felt the need to bake cupcakes and feed them to diabetic children.

The metal gods reached into their godly bags of brutality and handed me the chance to be a part of a documentary entitled MDF: The Movie (Maryland Deathfest, you idiot, I know you looked back to find what the acronym was for. FUCK). A Canadian production company called Handshake Inc. asked me to “host” the thing. Until I got out there I had no idea what that meant and I'm still not really sure. Apparently, it means drunkenly wandering around and making awkward dudes who happen to be in insanely good bands answer questions like, "What do you think of Maryland Deathfest... so far?" and "Want to be BFFs for life?" and "Hey! Do you know how good you are? Because OMFG you're sooooo great!" I was told I'm a natural.

Canadians from The Canada or somewhere brought satchels of weed and pills and other things for happy-making. Four long days of a binge unlike any other... It’s been weeks and I’m still recovering. I found a broken needle between my toes yesterday. Or, I should say, my pedicurist did. Got to keep them feet looking fucking fine. Speaking of that, my feet were bleeding by the last day so I resorted to crowd-surfing during Bolt Thrower in flip-flops, which was bad idea. Came home barefoot bloody and thoroughly fondled. Joke's on them because I loved it.

Let's get real for a second. I was able to interview Brutal Truth, Rotten Sound, Sigh, Trap Them, Misery Index, Pig Destroyer, and any band I could get my greedy little hands on. Let's just say next year I have no idea how they are going to top themselves... Maybe Landmine Marathon will be able to play. We will devour Baltimore with all our giant mouths that devour cities sometimes but mostly burritos—and vegan burritos at that. Vegans don't eat any animal products so swallowing Baltimore might create some ethical conflicts, most of which can be solved by the realization that the citizens of that city and all its inhabitants, human and otherwise, are sub-animal, suitable for any vegan. Eating Baltimorians or whatever the fuck is a favor to all mankind, and any less should be considered non-vegan. Stop farting in my van!

xo
Grace