Chris Krovatin is the author of three young adult novels, Heavy Metal & You, Venomous, and Gravediggers: Mountain of Bones. He is currently working on multiple new writing projects, as well as new material with his local New York metal band Flaming Tusk. He is a contributing writer for Revolver and generally comes off as a good-natured pain in everyone’s collective ass. This column represents his opinions–and probably only his opinions.
It is rare that great albums have great covers. On the odd instance they do, something beautiful occurs, a perfect coupling of music and imagery that cements that record into your mind. But plenty of incredible records have lame faces forward. For every British Steel, there is an Ace of Spades. For every South of Heaven, there is a Bonded By Blood. Sometimes, the lack of an awesome cover makes the album even better–a mind-blowing collection of songs with a solidly “Meh” cover makes the music even cooler, as it stands on its own without the help of flashy graphics. Most importantly, a bad album with a bad cover is the worst thing in the world and should be treated as such. Maybe the “Black Album” doesn’t look as good as Master of Puppets, but we all know Lulu can go fuck itself.
This year in metal was no different than any other. Some bands blew our minds with the evocative imagery, and some really shat the bed in full-force. Of course, underground bands with more investment in actual art took the lead, creating awesome weird cover art that speaks to creative souls, while mainstream artists on major labels pumped out cliché and over-produced pieces of hackneyed crap (though in the case of Tankard, you can’t even blame the big record companies–they just chose poorly). So if you consider yourself an artistic soul or a philistine, enjoy my Six Best and Worst Metal Album Covers of 2012. Damn your eyes.
The Six Best Metal Album Covers of 2012:
1. Sigh, In Somniphobia I wish I could even begin to describe what the fuck is going on here. The way I’m seeing it, the elderly aristocrat is pregnant with her eighth dead baby, and everyone at the Italian outdoor market is overjoyed about it. Incredible, but fuck, man.
2. Black Breath, Sentenced To Life This is like a cooler version of those old Exciter album covers—a single hand, leather-clad, coming out of the darkness and smashing the fourth wall with a sledgehammer. The image is both awesome on its own and a perfect representation of the album’s general atmosphere. Brutal.
3. Lord Mantis, Pervertor Here’s what I’m getting: Christ is in Hell, and a number of corpse-faced ambulatory cocks are using their barbed tongues to explore his newly created vagina. Is…is that what’s going on here? Because if that’s it, I’m really not sure whether I should be overjoyed or very, very worried.
4. Six Feet Under, Undead Not only was Undead a solid and entertaining death-metal album, but it had an absolutely incredible cover, with a whirling mind of evil meat perfectly illustrating the inner workings of the zombie. Finally, these guys figured it out.
5. The Howling Wind, Of Babalon Drawn by the inimitable Tony Roberts, this creeping and sinister cover exudes a sense of organic black magic that many fans dream of. It’s one of the few recent album covers that features a naked woman which doesn’t immediately seem corny to me.
6. Kreator, Phantom Antichrist Wes Benscoter, king among death-metal album artists, has done it again with this twisted, over-the-top illustration of…well, the Phantom Antichrist, I guess? Once again, it’s probably a good sign that I have no exact idea what’s happening here, I just want in.
Honorable mentions: The Northless/Light Bearer split for its creepy electric doom priests, and the Horseback/Locrian split for its giant woodland vagina castle.
The Six Worst Metal Album Covers of 2012:
1. Tankard, A Girl Called Cerveza BLECCH. Nevermind that Tankard’s thrash paeans to beer have gone a little flat over time—this cover is beyond hideous. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve all drank enough to flirt with a broad like this, but ugh. Why would you even. GYAH.
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2. Geoff Tate, Kings and Thieves I promise, as much as I find Geoff Tate a ridiculous cornball, I won’t make fun of his album cover if it’s—oh, wait, it’s a confused mess reminiscent of 2008 with its fleur de lis and ravens. Is the one raven stuck? How does this relate to the album? Man, you’re batting a thousand, Geoff.
3. In This Moment, Blood Remember what I said about naked chicks in the last list? Case in point. Between teasing us with naked women that are then weird mannequins and showcasing Maria Brink (are there other members to this band?), In This Moment lost the plot with this album cover. Cool title—wish you’d done something here with it. So the record’s about what? Boobs or crows?
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4. Ministry, Relapse Whelp, sometimes the mighty fall far. The gods of metallic industrial have graced us with the image of a fat, foaming-at-the-mouth ODing metal dude in a…church? Or something? Ugh. This
5. Adrenaline Mob, Omerta BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAH! Guys, let’s not do this. Everything going on here has been done better by bands like Volbeat and Chrome Division. The rings on the skeletons finger only make me think of some jackass rapper, any jackass rapper. And the devil/angel girl card? Grow the fuck up.
6. Yngwie Malmsteen’s Rising Force, Spellbound What. An. Asshole.
Chris “Weird Biker” Krovatin is the author of two young adult novels, Heavy Metal & You and Venomous. He is currently working on multiple new writing projects, as well as new material with his local New York metal band Flaming Tusk. He is a freelance writer for Revolver and generally comes off as a good-natured pain in everyone’s collective ass.
December is the harvest time for metal journalism. That’s when all of us misanthropic black-clad fucks put together our end-of-year lists, going over our entire musical diet for the last 12 months in an attempt to compile a decent final 10. And while it’d be easy to do a best/worst list, I want to take the high ground and not point out a Worst Album list. That’s just petty. (My 10 best of 2011, if you’re wondering, are: All Pigs Must Die, the Black Dahlia Murder, Tombs, Origin, Toxic Holocaust, Ash Pool, Revolting, Vreid, Hate Eternal, and the Atlas Moth.)
Artwork, however, is different. If your album is bad, fine. You know who you are, probably. When it comes to the music, let’s let it die—everyone’s made a Cold Lake in their lives, so let’s be the bigger man about it.* But there’s no excuse for shitty artwork. In fact, if your album sucks, the least you can do is put something really fucking amazing on the cover (for instance, I’ve always been 50-50 on Lair of the Minotaur, but their covers are damn cool). And unlike your music, which we all know sucks, your stupid choice of artwork is fair game for public condemnation. So here are my picks for this year’s Six Best and Worst Album Covers.
The Six Best Album Covers of 2011
1) Book of Black Earth, The Cold Testament Yes. With this cover, Seattle’s death-metal masters found a perfect image to describe their enthralling brand of fuzzy blackened death metal. If this doesn’t become a back patch soon, someone has to die.
2) All Pigs Must Die, God Is War You know what’s great? When your favorite album of the year has hands-down one of the coolest covers of all time. My No. 1 record of 2011, ladies and gentlemen, and it bears this breath-taking cover, courtesy of artist Florian Bertmer. It’s good to be the king.
3) Autopsy, Macabre Eternal This is one of those covers that’s comical to describe: Two zombies carry a giant stone skull towards an almost-completed statue of the Grim Reaper. Best part? That’s pretty much what the album sounds like.
4) Mhorgl, Heresiarch Until recently, I hadn’t heard of Australia’s Mhorgl, but not only is their brand of black thrash totally badass, the cover of their new record is a Miltonian flurry of demons, devils, wraiths, and fallen angels. When you stare into this abyss, it screams, “Charge!”
5) Chthonic, Takasago Army There’s something about a soldier carving a symbol into his forehead with a huge knife that touches me deep inside. The question is, what character is he carving? This album’s about Taiwanese soldiers, who spoke Mandarin Chinese, fighting for the Japanese! Then again, it might just be an inverted cross.
6) Mastodon, The Hunter Here, the Georgian metal titans left the world of over-the-top van-side illustration and had themselves a Communist Party. I mean, come on, how cool is this 3-D multi-jawed beast-creature? And look at the new logo—insane!
The Six Worst Album Covers of 2011
1) Cradle of Filth, Evermore Darkly Do you guys remember the Cradle of Filth I remember? The band that would put bathtubs full of blood and nude women on their albums, who put out the ‘Jesus is a cunt’ shirt? Remember that? So why does this album have a chick on a park bench for its cover?
2) Wayne Static, Pighammer You know what, I love this album title. It has so much potential to inspire a good cover—oh. Oh, you…you just want a picture of you, with scars, in a kimono. Oh, that’s, that’s cool…no, really, it shows a lot of…erm. Well.
3) Decapitated, Carnival Is Forever Yikes. I don’t know where they were trying to go with this cover, but Decapitated really fell short here. It seems like it’s really trying to say something, but…I dunno. It’s like a parody of a nu-metal album cover. Not a fan.
4) Sebastian Bach, Kicking and Screaming You really have to wonder about these hair-metal dudes sometimes. Like, was it the drugs? Was it the weird biker/homegrown sexuality being bred in the ’80s? What happened, once upon a time, that made them possibly think shit like this looks cool?
5) Limp Bizkit, Gold Cobra I like it when album art says something. For instance, when an album features a morbid sigil by Wes Benscoter, it says, “Good times ahead.” When it’s covered with Vince Locke’s unholy zombiescapes, it says, “This is a Cannibal Corpse record.” And, in the instance of Gold Cobra, it says, “Urinate here.”
6) Lou Reed & Metallica, Lulu To be fair, I’ve never heard this album, only the criticism of it, so for all I know the music rules. But man, how much did they pay the beret-wearing Sarah Lawrence sophomore who made this piece of shit? (Answer: Too much.)
*Actually, I have to be a dick about the new Morbid Angel. Sorry guys, big fan of your stuff, but you really shat the bed with the lights on with this new record.
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