Black metallers Goatwhore will be heading out on tour next month, alongside Hate Eternal, Fallujah, and Cerebral Bore. Goatwhore will be touring in support of their upcoming album, Blood for the Master, which will be released on February 14. Tour dates are below.
02/19 Houston, TX, Warehouse Live
02/20 El Paso, TX, House Of Rock
02/21 Tempe, AZ, Clubhouse
02/22 West Hollywood, CA, The Whisky
02/23 Santa Cruz, CA, The Atrium
02/24 Portland, OR, Branx
02/25 Seattle, WA, Studio Seven
02/27 Salt Lake City, UT, In The Venue
02/28 Colorado Springs, CO, Black Sheep
02/29 Kansas City, MO, The Beaumont Club
03/01 St. Paul, MN, Station 4
03/02 Des Moines, IA, House Of Bricks
03/03 Chicago, IL, Reggie’s Rock Club
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Chris “Fatneck McFlabbyass” Krovatin is the author of two young adult novels, Heavy Metal & You and Venomous. He is currently working on multiple new writing projects, as well as new material with his local New York metal band Flaming Tusk. He is a freelance writer for Revolver and generally comes off as a good-natured pain in everyone’s collective ass.
Let me be frank with you guys: I totally love Revolver’s Hottest Chicks in Hard Rock issue. It’s arguably my highlight of the heavy-music-magazine year (second only, of course, to the Hit Parader Dick-Touching Tournament). Now, while some readers may snicker and say, “Of course you do, Chris, you fat fucking onanist,” you’re missing the point. The issue is rarely tawdry or disrespectful, but rather a reminder to myself, and hopefully to others out there, that there are many confident, talented, and beautiful women making extreme music right now. (To be fair, though, as a man who likes his women reality-based, the issue could use a plus-size metal chick or two.)
Similarly, I don’t respect an all-male metal band unless at least one of them looks like he’s going to eat my face, take 30 shits, and die. For dudes in extreme metal, hideousness is currency; in fact, the misshapen mugs of Jagger, Vicious, and Kilmeister lead me to believe that rock and roll itself is saturated with a tradition of calculated freakishness amongst men, which only adds to their overall sexiness. When I see a metal singer trying to gyrate me into submission, I get pissed; when he looks like the thing next to the trashcan I passed on the way through the parking lot, I’m down like a clown. So, step right up, Golden Gods and gross bastards alike, for my picks for the Six Hottest Chicks and Ugliest Dudes in Metal.
The Six Hottest Chicks In Metal:
1) Doro Pesch Not only is Doro still incredibly fine in her 40s, she’s also unspeakably metal. When you imagine a post-apocalyptic warrior woman, you think of Doro Pesch. No. 1, easily.
2) Liz Buckingham of Electric Wizard Every metalhead dreams of finding a cute blonde in a denim vest who just wants to smoke weed, worship Satan, and play thunderous doom-metal guitar all day. So simply put: Ms. Buckingham is every metalhead male’s dream come true.
3) Karen Cuda of Nashville Pussy The streaky-haired bassist for Southern metal’s filthiest band is an energetic biker babe built for sin. There’s something enchanting about a woman who might beat you up…
4) Sean Yseult of White Zombie With the face of a cherub, the bass of a mortician, and the threads of a sideshow freak, Ms. Yseult will always be remembered as as the band member who brought credible sexiness to one of the sexiest bands in metal. Unless you’re really into dreadlocks and cowboy hats.
5) Grace Perry of Landmine Marathon Not only is Landmine Marathon’s singer one of the most brutifal vocalists in metal, but she’s incredibly nice, and a Trekkie. So a smoking nerd who screams death metal. Jesus.
6) Dr. Mikannibal of Sigh This stunning saxophonist-vocalist for Japan’s premiere black-metal troupe has a PhD in physics and records her parts in the nude. Just be careful, boys—on her MySpace page, her first two interests are “prostate” and “urethra.” Yikes…
The Six Ugliest Dudes In Metal:
1) Erik Rutan of Hate Eternal The best death-metal vocalists are the ones who actually look like they’re going to murder you in a cave and eat your bones. Well, this guy has bone-eater written all over his severe, misanthropic face.
2) Billy Milano of S.O.D. I feel like it’s one thing to have a mean-looking frontman, but it’s another one entirely if he’s an offensive, lumbering, drug-crazed fat fuck. Points to metal’s funniest band for their freakish singer.
3) Devin Townsend: OK, these days, the genius behind Strapping Young Lad et al. looks like this (see left). But remember, he once looked like this. Oh yeah. You can’t un-see it.
4) William Murderface of Dethklok This unhygienic, overweight, club-footed gap-toothed piece-of-shit bassist is a perfect representation of everything disgusting about death metal. What can I tell you, pobody’s nerfect.
5) It of Abruptum Fuck glam metal, it’s all about getting laid. Let’s be the anti-glam and try to never, ever get laid! I know! Let’s hire a repulsive corpse-paint-caked dwarf for a frontman! Brilliant work, everyone!
6) Oderus Urungus of Gwar Say it with me now, kids: OH GOD NO.
Brandon Geist
Editor in Chief
Sebastian Bach, Angel Down
“Getting to hang out with Baz at the Revolver Golden Gods was probably my personal highlight of the whole trip out to L.A. Dude is beyond cool and killed it as both our Black Carpet host and as a guest performer with Asking Alexandria. When we were having drinks at a local wine bar after soundchecks the night before the big show, his song ‘American Metalhead’ from this album randomly came on the stereo, and I was blown away by it, so I dug up the record, and, shit, it’s rocking my head off. Dude, I know Revolver hasn’t been giving you your due for the last, oh, 10 years, but I only took over as Editor in Chief a year and half ago, and as you can tell as of late, that shit is changing! Love ya, man. Can’t wait to hear the new tunes.”
Coalesce, OX
“I’m a huge fan of these guys’ 1999 album, 0:12 Revolution in Just Listening, with all its blues-infused mathcore riffs and Sean Ingram’s distinctively burly roar, but I think this comeback record might even be better. Techy and angular while still irresistibly groovy and resolutely human. Put something new out soon, dudes!”
Static-X, Wisconsin Death Trip
“When I was a teenager, I was almost as into industrial music as I was into metal, so when this album came out, fusing the two styles in a uniquely simple and sublime way, I was all about it. I returned to the record recently, inspired by seeing frontman Wayne Static at the Golden Gods, and it still gets my head bobbing. Too bad the band never could match it.”
Kory Grow
Senior Editor
Diamond Head, Singles
“After seeing the Big Four last week, I got on an N.W.O.B.H.M. kick listening to Paul Di’Anno–era Maiden and of course the kids who wrote ‘Am I Evil?’—Diamond Head. This has some pretty great songs on it that didn’t make their über-essential Lightning to the Nations, including ‘Dead Reckoning’ (compare the breakdown riff with Metallica’s ‘Frantic’) and the catchy ‘Streets of Gold.’”
Soundgarden, Louder Than Love
“Some Soundgarden Greatest Hits comp was playing before Slayer took the stage at the Big Four. The songs on Louder Than Love are the best, especially ‘Hands All Over,’ ‘Get on the Snake,’ and ‘Big Dumb Sex.’ I usually skip over ‘Full On Kevin’s Mom.’ I suggest you do the same.”
Swans, Children of God
“This record is utterly crushing. If you want to feel like you’ve been put through a meat grinder, listen to ‘New Mind’ and ‘Real Love’ over and over and over again until you’re in a padded room wearing a straightjacket.”
Josh Hart
Web Producer
TV Ghost, Cold Fish
“A great post-punk revival record, it also kind of sounds in places like a garage-rock version of Mr. Bungle. The whole album is 10 songs clocking in at under 25 minutes, so this might be a good album if you’re coming off of a Dream Theater bender.”
Anthrax, The Greater of Two Evils
“I could write a long commentary on the state of a certain band’s lead vocal situation, but I’d rather this pick just speak for itself.”
Beastie Boys, Hot Sauce Committee, Part 2
“OK, so this album isn’t exactly metal, but given these guys more or less invented rap metal and had Kerry King on their first album, I’m including it anyway. Fanfare about their cameo-filled video for ‘Make Some Noise’ aside, the album is pretty solid all around, despite a lack of any mega-hits ala ‘Intergalactic’ or ‘Sabotage.’ It’s an album that sounds like the guys who made it enjoyed making it, and more so, knew they had nothing to prove to anyone. Also, ‘Lee Majors Come Again’ is probably the best hardcore track I’ve heard this side of Fugazi.”
Jimmy Hubbard
Photography Director
Psychic Limb, Queens
“Great new local band here in Brooklyn. Great classic sounding grindcore, but very well executed. Short, fast and creatively structured grind. I would def. recommend grind fans check these guys out.”
Hate Eternal, Phoenix Amongst the Ashes
“Blistering and brutal new record from Erik Rutan & Co. Rutan is easily one of my favorite death-metal guitar players, and in my opinion one of the most creative. His riffage is technical and savage, creating dense and textural dissonant sound. I am also a fan of Rutan’s production, seems like he gets better with each record he does. Excited to hear what he did with the new Morbid Angel record as well!”
The Black Dahlia Murder, Nocturnal
“Listened to this record quite a bit this week while working on our Black Dahlia photo shoot for the July/Aug issue of Revolver. Forgot how good it was, easily my favorite Dahlia record. Looking forward to hearing their new record!”
Emily O’Neill
Marketing Coordinator
Skid Row, Skid Row
“After hearing the amazing Sebastian Bach sing ‘Youth Gone Wild’ last week at the Golden Gods Awards, I’m more obsessed with him than ever. He truly sings like no one is listening, dances like no one is watching, and lives like heaven is on earth. Love him.”
Metallica, Metallica
“This is one of my favorite albums of all time, and I’m sure it’s on everyone’s top 5 list. ‘Sad But True’ is my No. 1 track!!!”
Volbeat, The Strength/The Sound/The Songs
“Their Golden Gods performance of ‘I Only Wanna Be With You’ with Scott Ian was absolutely awesome. Scott Ian rules, too.”
Cody Thomas
Editorial Intern
Isis, In the Absence of Truth
“I know Kory and I disagree on the best era of Isis. Personally, I think Isis was at their best between 2000 and 2009. Yep, that’s right: pretty much their entire careers. But this was my first Isis album (give me a break, I’m not old enough to rent a car yet), and it’s special to me. It’s like if the Grateful Dead played metal, kind of.”
Swallow the Sun, New Moon
“When I heard the title track of this album a few years ago, right before it came out, I was pissed. I thought it sucked in comparison to their older stuff like ‘Doomed to Walk the Earth,’ which is unbelievable funeral doom that you absolutely need to look up on YouTube if you haven’t already heard it. I bought this anyway, just because I’m such a huge fan of the band, and it’s amazing. Lesson learned, don’t judge an entire album on one song.”
Cobalt, Gin
“I know I’m way behind on this one, but I simply hadn’t heard Cobalt until a week ago. Brandon gave it to me as a suggestion, and I’m forever indebted. It’s quickly becoming one of my all-time favorites. It’s like if Isis played black metal.”