If Jucifer are known for one thing, it's volume. The alt-metal two-piece hauls walls of amps all over the world to create its sludgy mix of hard rock and metal. The group's new album, Throned in Blood (Nomadic Fortress), is out now. Here, guitarist and vocalist Amber Valentine shares her tour diary from a Portuguese metal fest.

I grew up a poor li’l country girl in the sticks in Georgia. And after I left my parents’ rural abode (the first fucking second I could!), I was a poor li’l waitressing musician until I became a poor li’l nomadic professional musician. Which probably sounds like a dream life… and which is indeed the life I chose, worked hard for and love. But which does not afford me any opportunities to see other bands’ tours.

I never got to go to many shows growing up. And for the past 10 years of homelessness a.k.a. constant touring, the only time I get to see bands is when they play the same place on the same day that we do. So festivals are incomparably awesome.

Maryland Deathfest has become legendary, and for the last several years, friends and fans’ve been telling us we needed to play it. So this year we did, and we loved it! Even though we could only set up a part of our wall of amps (because of only having 15 minutes in the schedule for setup and teardown), we strategized to get as many up and running as we could. And it was just enough to bring the thunder.

My only regret was that we didn’t have a crazy frontperson to interact with the crowd… Almost all the other bands had someone who was just a vocalist, and it really made me notice that I’m tied to a mic stand. Me and Edgar go balls-out while we play, but there’s a limit to what you can do when you’re actually playing the instruments! Unless you wanna give up the music for showmanship, which we don’t. But we had a great response anyway, and we really enjoyed playing for the crowd.

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It was packed out for us even though the Chasm was on an outside stage at the same time, which was super rewarding. We knew going into it that some metalheads only know us from album videos that don’t sound like us live at all, so there was a chance they’d skip our set. Stoked that they gave it a chance. And honestly, if you like sludge and doom with grind, black, and thrash tendencies… there’s no reason not to like us. Unless you’re scared of bands that take chances and cross boundaries. Or girls. Which isn’t very fucking metal of you is it? [Laughs]

It was awesome walking around before our set and having fans from countries we haven’t toured yet come talk to us. Playing was extra special knowing that those guys were out there finally seeing us, thanks to MDF providing a weekend worth coughing up plane tickets for.

And, personally, I was in band-watching heaven. The only thing that sucked was missing Thursday and Friday. We had just played with Birdflesh in Portugal, and I would’ve loved to see them again… I’ve also wanted to see General Surgery forever, and was really hoping to catch Watain—even though I saw them at Hellfest a couple years back, I’d see them once a month if I could.

But the lineup of our day was great. It was cool to see Howl kick it off, and Sulaco, both of whom I’d never seen. I really like Fuck the Facts and hadn’t seen them since we toured together, so I was looking forward to seeing them. I was busting my ass, pre-wiring amps and staging cabs during their set, so I didn’t get to really watch them which sucked. But they sounded great! Same for Ingrowing and Obliteration… good sets that I could listen to but not really look at. The big bummer of that day’s schedule was that Total Fucking Destruction played immediately before us on a different stage, which meant we totally missed them because that was when we were putting our shit into place beside our own stage.

After we played was Impaled, which ruled. Then I watched Blood Duster. Then skipped outside for Melechesh, Repulsion, and Autopsy, which by that point I needed to sit down for… hot and hungry! But they sounded great. Back inside for Deceased, who kept me grinning and headbanging. Then there was Portal, which was just what the doctor ordered…if he was a vaguely Satanic, vaguely Catholic witch doctor. The visuals of their show were awesome, and their sound was perfect for me in my state of utter exhaustion and delirium. Kind of like taking caffeine with painkillers. The only flaw in their performance was my own concern for their welfare inside those hoods and robes… It was hot as demon taint in that club and I couldn’t keep my mind off how hard it must be for them to breathe! Especially the drummer. But have no fear: I saw them leave the stage alive.

Sometime during those last couple of bands we ran into Colin Marston, who we know from having Dysrhythmia tour with us back in the day. It was really cool to catch up with him and find out him and Kevin [Hufnagel] are playing in Gorguts! (Hey, we’re gypsies, we don’t keep up with news very well.) So that was another reason to be sorry about missing Friday’s bands.

Ended the night by loading out. Because we have so much gear, we couldn’t have done it while the fans were still inside the fence. We had rented a little U-Haul which turned out to be the best decision ever. Word to all bands driving to future MDFs: don’t bring a tourbus. There is nooooo close parking for big things!

So we and a couple of stalwart friends humped the gear out and put it in the truck. Drove to D.C., where our own vehicle was. Slept not nearly enough, got up, packed the gear out of the U-Haul and back into our own trailer. Returned the U-Haul, borrowed a car from a gracious relative, and hauled ass back to MDF just in time for Eyehategod. They were really cool to see again for the first time since we played together in like, 1996 or something. Sweet! The afternoon sun was almost as heavy as the band, but the crowd outside (including us) was in a good mood seeing EHG back in action.

Next was a tag-team of stages for Black Breath, Pestilence, Pentagram, and Entombed. I’m loving this shit! Talked with Converge for a minute, our first time meeting outside the interwebs. Then watched their riveting set. I don’t think anybody sweat more than Jacob Bannon during the entire festival, and he’s a skinny dude with no hair. Total commitment from those guys.

It sucked that I had to miss part of their show to see one of my old-school heroes, but… Obitu-fucking-ary!!! Who sounded amazing and were kind enough to let us take cheesy fan photos with ’em. I told Trevor Peres how long I’ve been loving them and he kissed my hand. While I was wearing my Obituary necklace. Swoon. (I am a total fucking dork.)

Amber with Obituary's John Tardy

Edgar with Obituary's Don Tardy

Somehow between all these bands we also got to hang out with the posse from Handshake, Inc, which is responsible for all kinds of great film stuff including the latest Jucifer video, “Contempt” (which does sound like us live) and an awesome, Woodstock-style documentary of last year’s Maryland Deathfest, MDF: The Movie. Look out for these Canadians/ennes, they are crazy talented! And we had some quality, if zoned-out and moronic, hang time with our friends Jay and Curran.

Last but not least I finally saw Magrudergrind, who I’ve been digging for a few years. Stellar shit. I got to talk to [guitarist] R.J. for quite awhile afterward, plotting some kind of team destruction of the universe. Or at least the D.C. metro area. Prepare to meet thy makers…

Speaking of which, we left MDF for the first leg of an East Coast jaunt with our friends Gloominous Doom along for the ride. We made a loop from D.C. down to Charlotte and back, which was hot, fast, and fun. (Just like your mom.) That tour resumes in Philadelphia and GD’ll be with us until we cross the border into Canada. Have you ever seen a man play cowbell on his prosthetic leg? Well, that’s the icing on the delectable cake of death metal and reggae that is Gloominous Doom.

If Jucifer are known for one thing, it's volume. The alt-metal two-piece hauls walls of amps all over the world to create its sludgy mix of hard rock and metal. The group's new album, Throned in Blood (Nomadic Fortress), is out now. Here, guitarist and vocalist Amber Valentine shares her tour diary from a Portuguese metal fest.

May 1, 2010
Viana Do Castelo, Portugal

Played SWR Barroselas Metalfest last night!!! It was rad. Portuguese metalheads are awesome. We played to a packed crowd and felt so much love, it was like a homecoming. And we saw a bunch of sick bands we’d never seen before. Immolation and Triptykon were both fuckin’ incredible, although the mix was better for Triptykon. It was cool to hang with our friends in Saviours and see them play on a huge stage, too. We seem to run into each other a lot in the States but we never played together in Europe before! We also hung with Alexandre from Corpus Christi and his girlfriend, who we had met a couple years ago in Lisboa. We sat around drinking mini bottles of local port wine, having bizarre philosophical conversations about politics and the nature of good and evil, and laughing at ourselves for going all intellectual.

Our sound guys and stagehands ruled. All the staff for SWR were so excellent, running all over the place making sure everything flowed. Amazingly, even though there wasn't a hard-ass stage manager, all of the bands played in their time slots. Really cool to see so many people working together so well, in the name of metal!

Grayceon and Darsombra are on tour with us here, and although they weren’t originally scheduled to play, the SWR dudes set up an extra stage just for them. Now that's class! We didn't get to see them, but they loved their show… It was out in the woods near a camping area, and they had a great crowd out there, too.

We loaded out in the rain, packing the shit into our van for the first time since this was the first show of the tour and the first time all of our gear and luggage was in the same place. It sucked but we made it fit. We'll organize it another day. Then went back to our home for the last couple nights, a hostel on a boat. So fuckin’ cool! By the time we got there the sun was up. A few hours in bed and we’re up again, getting caffeinated for our drive to Madrid…

If Jucifer are known for one thing, it's volume. The alt-metal two-piece hauls walls of amps all over the U.S. to create its sludgy mix of hard rock and metal. The group's new album, Throned in Blood (Nomadic Fortress), is out now. Road dogs that they are, the pair is already touring for it. Here, guitarist and vocalist Amber Valentine shares her tour diary from last month.

March 5, 2010
Somewhere between Albuquerque and Socorro, NM
Played in Santa Fe in this pretty rad brewpub with a fake adobe stage and the biggest antler chandelier I've ever seen. At first we thought they were gonna make us turn down a lot, because we were supposed to go on at 8 and they serve dinner. And it's a fancy-looking place. But the owners reassured us it would be a "thrasher" crowd and they were right. Fun night. Now we're at this RV park/horse motel in the middle of the desert. Totally beautiful. They rescue horses, donkeys, sheep, guinea pigs, and random fowl. Our dogs are super into the donkeys for some reason. One of the donkeys must be almost seven feet tall at the shoulder–not a mule either, just a giant donkey. I wonder if they've checked out the Guinness World Record for donkey size.

The Giant Donkey

March 6, 2010
Las Cruces, NM
Playing at a little coffee house tonight. Very small and looked scary for electricity. Then we found a bunch of separate circuits. Who knows why they're there, but it's a good thing! Still didn't bring in all of our gear because there's five other bands on the show and no room in this place. The PA is minimal too. Like two speakers and maybe 400 watt amp. Time to eat… vegan chili cold from the can with tortilla chips.
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March 7, 2010
Tonopah, AZ
I'm writing in a truck stop. Last night was weird but better than I really expected. We had some fans there. Never played Las Cruces before so didn't have any expectations! And the owner was nice. It's cool that she's trying to make an all ages place happen. The weirdness came when we got into the part of our set where Edgar

View from the Arizona Truck Stop

March 8, 2010
Quartzsite, AZ
Holy shit last night was crazy!!! First of all, we had a seven-hour drive after three hours of sleep. Blegh. Get to the anarchist collective where we're playing just in time to catch a group of people leaving, who let us in. Which is good, 'cause we have to start loading if we're gonna be done in time for doors.

So we're setting up for a while, and it's actually pretty peaceful. We're in a sleep-deprived daze. And afternoon light slants through the window in a pleasant way. We have to run extension cords all over the building, which is a pain in the ass… but at least there are enough different circuits that we shouldn't blow the power. I'm almost done running all the lines for my rig when this dude comes in carrying a puppy. So fuckin' cute, a little Jack Russell puppy named Maya. He lets me hold her and she wriggles around trying to eat my hair, neck, face, shirt, and hands. At first we think he's coming for a meeting but it turns out he's there to visit this guy Pierre Camembert who's doing a pirate radio show in the back of the building. So we go into their makeshift studio to do an interview. I give 'em the split we just did on the Montreal label Choking Hazard and they play a couple tracks in between the interview while Maya tries to eat everything on the floor including my boots with my feet in them. (So cute it makes my teeth hurt.) Pretty cool to find out Pierre has our album from like 10 years ago and is psyched to find out we're there.

Get done setting up and cram some food down, lay back on the couch for one of those naps where you don't fall asleep but just being still in the dark with your eyes closed gives you a second wind. Check out the bands before us, both cool and awesomely different from each other. There's a good crowd forming.

We start playing and it's great… The crowd's enthusiastic and the power is holding. We're ready to destroy! About halfway through the first song I feel something brush my arm. At first I think it has something to do with this unidentified shit I feel dripping onto my head (which I assume is ceiling debris–that happens to us a lot in old buildings, since we're usually the loudest band that's ever been there) but then I realize it's the promoter tugging on me. Shit. We're getting shut down?! So fucking painful to be interrupted when you're hitting the stride of a great show! Coitus interruptus.

Promoter explains that the cops are there and, this is funny, they say that the show was OK before, and, "You need to go back to the instruments you were using before." As if the opening bands were just us playing different instruments! Anyway, they say the show can go on if we just turn down, so I cut all my volume knobs to half of what they were–which is a lot quieter–and we pick up where we left off. Shit is still dripping on my head and I can feel it on my hands occasionally. It's weird because it feels like kitty litter, but I can't see anything. We're halfway through "Contempt," and I feel the hand on my arm again. Dude. Such a bummer. The cops have shut it down for real. Which is crazy because this venue is literally 20 yards from a very busy railroad crossing where trains are constantly blowing their horns probably five times louder than our show. Oh yeah, and it's an anarchist collective but they obey the cops. (I totally understand why, but it's still pretty hilarious.)

The drips on my head turned out to be a roof leak. For some reason they didn't feel wet. But it's good to know I don't have asbestos fragments in my hair.
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Friday March 12
Los Angeles, CA
Played our in-store at Vacation Vinyl last night. Remarkably good setup for such a small space… We couldn't fit all our stuff but still enough to be moronically loud. Heh, heh. Pete and Dave from the store were awesome to deal with, and Pete did great working the soundboard. Shit they have a lot of awesome records! It's a good thing we got no place to store 'em or we'd have been in trouble.

Loading was interesting 'cause we had to double park. And the only place for our rig to end up was about half a mile away. So Edgar held the spot down there and I loaded… good thing about having the pack designed so I don't have to have help. Got some from Pete and Dave though, which was cool. Randomly ran into a guy who worked on a short film I was in back in 1991 (Levitate Me by Dominic DeJoseph). No, it's not porn. It was a bizarre coincidence. Good to know those guys are still in action.

Saturday March 13
Los Angeles, CA
The drug dealers don't take Saturday off. They start early, too–9 AM, whistling and yelling. Ate my cereal watching them. They're in front of a U-Haul lot and nobody seems to be able to stop them. There's like 15 dudes! They get in cars and ride around the block to make the transaction. Cops are at the next corner and obviously just don't care.

I'm having a hard time walking back and forth in here because of this angle… Hollywood Blvd. slumps drunkenly to one side. I try to pull out my notepad to work on this diary and set off a cascade of shit. Coffee can, roll of paper towels, motorcycle boots, map and toaster now adorn the floor. The angle makes loading a special treat too. Thanks, gravity.

Last night's show was the third this week without a soundman. In a tiny tiny bar attached to a Thai restaurant that is apparently the hub of heavy shows in LA right now. So many little clubs like this here, places that aren't necessarily equipped for shows at all but acquire a transient (or permanent) hipness. Relax has a stage but we'd never fit on it together with Edgar's kit even if I just used a combo amp… so we set up against the wall facing the bar. And we ran our own sound again.

Dave Lombardo's band Philm was originally supposed to play but they decided to play our Sunday show instead. We're glad, 'cause with our backline, there was almost no room for the other bands, who played on the floor, too. It was bad enough to be cramping all the bands that did play, but with Dave's big kit, it would've probably been impossible for his band to fit. Not the way we wanna finally meet him. It was a fun show though, since we love playing on the floor.

Jucifer's Edgar Livengood with Dave Lombardo

Monday March 15
Somewhere in wine country, NorCal
Last night was amazing. Dragonfly is a really good club, probably the best we've done in LA besides the now-defunct Knitting Factory. And I think the sound is better at Dragonfly than it was at the Knit even though their system and staff were great… just a better room. And it was the first time this week we've been able to fit all of our gear onstage. At last!

Everybody we dealt with at the club was cool and the show was fun, but mostly we geeked out on meeting Dave Lombardo. We've loved Slayer since we were kids–duh, right?! Meeting Dave and finding out how into our band he is was incredible. Jaw-dropping. He gave me the "we're not worthy" bow down and I was like, "Dude, you gotta be kidding me!!" And he was gracious enough to sign a stick for one of our friend's friends who has cancer. It's so fuckin' cool when you meet someone legendary and they're also nice and down to earth.

Goofing Off in Wine Country: "Merlot: The Most Metal of Grapes"