Chris Krovatin is the author of three young adult novels, Heavy Metal & You, Venomous, and Gravediggers: Mountain of Bones. He is currently working on multiple new writing projects, as well as new material with his local New York metal band Flaming Tusk. He is a contributing writer for Revolver and generally comes off as a good-natured pain in everyone’s collective ass. This column represents his opinions–and probably only his opinions.
It is rare that great albums have great covers. On the odd instance they do, something beautiful occurs, a perfect coupling of music and imagery that cements that record into your mind. But plenty of incredible records have lame faces forward. For every British Steel, there is an Ace of Spades. For every South of Heaven, there is a Bonded By Blood. Sometimes, the lack of an awesome cover makes the album even better–a mind-blowing collection of songs with a solidly “Meh” cover makes the music even cooler, as it stands on its own without the help of flashy graphics. Most importantly, a bad album with a bad cover is the worst thing in the world and should be treated as such. Maybe the “Black Album” doesn’t look as good as Master of Puppets, but we all know Lulu can go fuck itself.
This year in metal was no different than any other. Some bands blew our minds with the evocative imagery, and some really shat the bed in full-force. Of course, underground bands with more investment in actual art took the lead, creating awesome weird cover art that speaks to creative souls, while mainstream artists on major labels pumped out cliché and over-produced pieces of hackneyed crap (though in the case of Tankard, you can’t even blame the big record companies–they just chose poorly). So if you consider yourself an artistic soul or a philistine, enjoy my Six Best and Worst Metal Album Covers of 2012. Damn your eyes.
The Six Best Metal Album Covers of 2012:
1. Sigh, In Somniphobia I wish I could even begin to describe what the fuck is going on here. The way I’m seeing it, the elderly aristocrat is pregnant with her eighth dead baby, and everyone at the Italian outdoor market is overjoyed about it. Incredible, but fuck, man.
2. Black Breath, Sentenced To Life This is like a cooler version of those old Exciter album covers—a single hand, leather-clad, coming out of the darkness and smashing the fourth wall with a sledgehammer. The image is both awesome on its own and a perfect representation of the album’s general atmosphere. Brutal.
3. Lord Mantis, Pervertor Here’s what I’m getting: Christ is in Hell, and a number of corpse-faced ambulatory cocks are using their barbed tongues to explore his newly created vagina. Is…is that what’s going on here? Because if that’s it, I’m really not sure whether I should be overjoyed or very, very worried.
4. Six Feet Under, Undead Not only was Undead a solid and entertaining death-metal album, but it had an absolutely incredible cover, with a whirling mind of evil meat perfectly illustrating the inner workings of the zombie. Finally, these guys figured it out.
5. The Howling Wind, Of Babalon Drawn by the inimitable Tony Roberts, this creeping and sinister cover exudes a sense of organic black magic that many fans dream of. It’s one of the few recent album covers that features a naked woman which doesn’t immediately seem corny to me.
6. Kreator, Phantom Antichrist Wes Benscoter, king among death-metal album artists, has done it again with this twisted, over-the-top illustration of…well, the Phantom Antichrist, I guess? Once again, it’s probably a good sign that I have no exact idea what’s happening here, I just want in.
Honorable mentions: The Northless/Light Bearer split for its creepy electric doom priests, and the Horseback/Locrian split for its giant woodland vagina castle.
The Six Worst Metal Album Covers of 2012:
1. Tankard, A Girl Called Cerveza BLECCH. Nevermind that Tankard’s thrash paeans to beer have gone a little flat over time—this cover is beyond hideous. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve all drank enough to flirt with a broad like this, but ugh. Why would you even. GYAH.
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2. Geoff Tate, Kings and Thieves I promise, as much as I find Geoff Tate a ridiculous cornball, I won’t make fun of his album cover if it’s—oh, wait, it’s a confused mess reminiscent of 2008 with its fleur de lis and ravens. Is the one raven stuck? How does this relate to the album? Man, you’re batting a thousand, Geoff.
3. In This Moment, Blood Remember what I said about naked chicks in the last list? Case in point. Between teasing us with naked women that are then weird mannequins and showcasing Maria Brink (are there other members to this band?), In This Moment lost the plot with this album cover. Cool title—wish you’d done something here with it. So the record’s about what? Boobs or crows?
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4. Ministry, Relapse Whelp, sometimes the mighty fall far. The gods of metallic industrial have graced us with the image of a fat, foaming-at-the-mouth ODing metal dude in a…church? Or something? Ugh. This
5. Adrenaline Mob, Omerta BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAH! Guys, let’s not do this. Everything going on here has been done better by bands like Volbeat and Chrome Division. The rings on the skeletons finger only make me think of some jackass rapper, any jackass rapper. And the devil/angel girl card? Grow the fuck up.
6. Yngwie Malmsteen’s Rising Force, Spellbound What. An. Asshole.
Chris Krovatin is the author of the young-adult novels Heavy Metal & You and Venomous, as well as Revolvermag.com's “Final Six” blog. The latter book was the inspiration for Deadlocke, a one-shot published by Dark Horse Comics.
On Saturday, I went to a night of classic thrash and extreme metal headlined by Kreator with support from Voivod, Nachtmystium, Evile, and Lazarus A.D. Here’s what happened:
General observation of Nokia Theatre: Man, this place would do better with fewer flashing lights and more draft beers.
Awesome sight: Kreator’s name in 10-feet-tall lights over Times Square.
Last time I saw Kreator: L’Amours, with Destruction on the Hell Comes to Your Town tour. Was that 2001? 2002? I had to leave midway through “People of the Lie” or else I wouldn’t make curfew.
Number of patched-up denim vests sighted before even entering the venue: Seven.
Number of patched-up denim vests sighted upon entrance: 40,000,000.
Number of back patches viewed that featured mutants fleeing from a mushroom cloud: Six.
Favorite obscure back patches: Mantas, Pagan Altar, Y&T, and a tiger-print Overkill patch.
First band of the night: Wisconsin’s Lazarus A.D.
Thoughts: Sure, OK. No, I get it, and you guys do it well. Sure. These riffs do sound big and angry, and you play them well. Sure.
Most interesting piece of band merch available: Kreator belt buckles.
There’s not enough cool merch: All I want’s a small embroidered Endless Pain patch, and you’re offering me a $25 belt buckle? Or a $50 Voivod art book?
Point of merch knowledge to be remembered: You could get a thrash-hungry metalhead to buy a lump of dog shit if it had the cover of Endless Pain ironed onto it.
Next onstage: Evile from England.
Crowd reaction: Kids are dancing like crazy for these motherfuckers.
Best song intro by Evile frontman Matt Drake: “Are you ready for some heaviness? Some real dirty heaviness?!”
Next song: “Bathe in Blood.”
Necks: Wrecked.
Alcoholic budget tip: When purchasing concert booze, go for the Guinness tall-boy. Sure, it’s heavy and black instead of yellow and refreshing, but there’s more beer for your buck that way, and the bartenders respect it.
Now we have: Chicago’s Nachtmystium.
Name your poison: Psychedelic black metal rancor with a Floydian twist.
Frostbitten fun fact: Nachtmystium’s Assassins: Black Meddle pt. 1 was my Best Album of 2008.
Overall opinion: Definitely awesome, but they were better when they opened for Marduk.
To be expected, I guess: They had a longer set, and were playing to a crowd they knew a bit better.
My two cents: Don’t play “Ghosts of Grace” and “Life of Fire” back to back. They sound very alike, and it’s weird.
Two left: Next up, Voivod.
Personal confession: Hard as I’ve tried, I’ve never really given a shit about Voivod.
Performance thoughts: They’re…OK. Definitely focusing more on their first two albums, which are famous for being thrash throwaways. Frontman Snake is not the best dancer.
It’s the crowd: This group doesn’t want 10-minute space-jams, they want to thrash until they’re sore.
Best song played: “The Unknown Knows” from Nothingface.
Random thought: Man, Voivod songs would sound so much better if performed by Devin Townsend.
Even more random thought: As a young Canadian, did Townsend look up to the boys in Voivod as Maple Leafs who’d made it big in metal? Did he lie awake at night, clutching his copy of RRROOOAAARRR, and wonder?
And finally: Kreator, auf Deutschland.
Everyone against everyone: CHAOS.
Holy Jesus: This place filled up quick. Who knew that everyone and their mother loves Kreator this much?
Awesome backdrop: Kreator’s Demon Brain creature as the statue of liberty with pointy Capitol Building tits. Classic.
Best Kreator jams: “Endless Pain,” “Pleasure To Kill,” and the oft-overlooked “Servant in Heaven, King in Hell.”
Favorite crowd banter: “PLAY ‘BETRAYER,’ PLEASE.”
Favorite stage banter from Kreator frontman Mille Petrozza: “I want you to scream the word ‘HATE’! Louder! Scream ‘HATE’ for Kreator! SCREAM ‘HATE’ FOR KREATOR!”
Number of fliers received post-show: Six.
Closing thoughts: Oh man, if that was that nasty, the Overkill is going to be absolutely disgusting.