Vampires Everywhere! frontman Michael Vampire eagerly suggested the topic of this list, and we eagerly accepted the pitch. Considering his enthusiasm for the subject, we’ll let the singer–whose band is currently supporting their newest album, Hellbound & Heartless–do the introductions:
“Many of you don’t know this, but I’m addicted to sex. Most of my songs talk about this issue. Whether it’s stating it in a good or bad light, it still finds a way into my lyrics. That being said, it shouldn’t be a surprise that I love porn. I’ve decided to let the world know my favorite porn films and sites. Limiting it to five was a hard feat, but I think I chose the ones that best describe my tastes. My favorite porn star is the evil queen herself Aiden Ashley, so it’s no coincidence that she’s heavily featured in my favorites. Here is the list of my porn favorites…”
1. Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody “Let’s just say the lesbian Stormtrooper scene with Aiden in this movie is hot as fuck. I am not a giant fan of spoof porn but for some reason the storm trooper outfits add an interesting flare.”
2. Queen of the Strap-On 4 “OK… Now most of you don’t know this, but I just fell in love with girl/girl porn. I used to hate it, but again thanks to Aiden bringing some evil to the world of lesbian porn, I see it in a whole new light. This movie is filled with scenes of Aiden demolishing and demeaning girls with her big strap-on. I have to admit there is definitely something hot brewing with this scenario–no dick, all pussy, all good!”
3. My First Lesbian Experience Volume 2 “Do I really have to describe this one to you?? Haha, I mean, c’mon, there’s no guy out there that doesn’t get turned on by the ‘first time’ scenario! Now take that image and throw two women in there–enough said! Sexy as fuck! It’s always fun to see your favorite porn stars in there early work. I like to see them tremble with fear and anxiety as they work their way through the scenes! It brings a solid sense of realism to it all.”
4. Girl Crush Volume 1 “This is just an all-out lesbian fiesta of goodness! Aiden looks like pure sex in this movie and I love watching her interact with various girls in different scene scenarios. Again, realism is key in these movies, especially girl/girl films because guys hate when a girl fakes an orgasm! Love what you do and show some emotion. I feel this film pulls that off nicely!”
5. EvilAiden.com “Last but not least is Aiden’s personal site run by Juliland.com. There’s so much to say about this site, but let me start by saying the pictures are amazing. Aiden
brings blood, sex, and rock ‘n’ roll into a scene saturated with Barbie-type girls with fake tits! Let’s just say stop by the site and see for yourself. I promise you will be shocked by the realism and natural beauty of the models. They also hand tailor each scenario whether it be a picture set or a movie. It’s never contrived and always bring a sense professionalism not seen in porn today.”
Chris Krovatin is the author of two young adult novels, Heavy Metal & You and Venomous. He is currently working on multiple new writing projects, as well as new material with his local New York metal band Flaming Tusk. He is a contributing writer for Revolver and generally comes off as a good-natured pain in everyone’s collective ass.
I love old religion. Raised Irish Catholic, I was from an early age enamored with the grandiose power of old Christian art, specifically the depictions of saints. These holy men were usually martyrs, and so they’re often represented as bearing the awesome devices involved with their violent demises—you get roasted, so you carry a grill; you get your teeth knocked out, you sport pliers. Sure, I love seeing Jesus get his through the Stations, and I’m always down for a woodcut of a hellmouth, but the saints have a weird superheroic quality to them. They’re the rock stars of faith, and that’s pretty metal.
What my Catholic upbringing has also instilled in me is a love for freaky, hardcore sex. From schoolgirl uniforms to water torture, my preferences for filth are broad, unorthodox, and entirely shameful. Thankfully, there are people out there who tackle these urges, creating filth so that I don’t have to: porn stars. These mavens of fantasy hold sway the collected loins of the world with almost vampiric power, changing our understanding of What Gets Us Going with their every smile and strut. So to recognize the main figures of my faith, both religious and extremely secular, I present to you my list of the Six Most Metal Saints and the Six Most Metal Porn Stars. Say seven Hail Marys after reading it, and maybe you won’t go blind.
The Six Most Metal Saints
Bartholomew the Apostle Bartholomew (pictured, right) is the patron saint of tanners, meaning he’s God’s watchman over metal’s most vital raw material: leather. More importantly, he obtained this position because he was skinned alive. That’s right—dude’s depicted as walking around draped in his own skin. That shit’s raw.- Margaret of Antioch After being tortured and imprisoned for refusing to marry some pagan king, Margaret was visited by Satan in the form of a dragon. But when he devoured her, the huge cross she carried fucked with his stomach, and she managed to tear free. She chick gave the Devil indigestion. Brass balls on this broad.
- Catherine of Alexandria Catherine’s sometimes known as Catherine of the Wheel, and is often depicted walking around with a hunk of spiked wheel. Because after being tortured for ages, she was strapped to and martyred on a giant spiked wheel. I think Vital Remains wrote this song.
- Denis When most martyrs get beheaded, they lay down and die. Not Denis. Denis picked up his head and walked for six miles, preaching all the way. Patron saint of headaches (fucking hilarious), he’s definitely the spookiest saint, depicted as walking around his head under his arms. Rob Zombie, eat your heart out.
- Lucy Patron saint of the blind, Lucy was tortured by having her eyes gouged out, which is unto itself pretty fucking gnarly. What’s cooler is how she’s depicted—a sweet-looking woman with a sword and a tray with her eyes on it. At least the blind don’t have to look at this creepy biblical figure. Shudder.
- Dunstan A weird ascetic monk covered in swelling tumors, Dunstan was once visited by the Devil on a weary night. Rather than be tempted, Dunstan yanked his silversmithing tongs from the fire and held Satan by the nose until he begged for his freedom. That is gangster. Got your nose, bitch!
The Six Most Metal Porn Stars
Sasha Grey Not only had Sasha Grey (pictured, right) gone from making some of the most hardcore porno out there to starring in Steven Soderbergh films, she’s also a member of experimental industrial goth band aTelecine and an avowed metalhead who has DJ’d the after party of Swans concerts. Plus, she’s done interviews for Roadrunner Records on the Revolver Golden Gods Black Carpet. Porn, noise, and a season of Entourage under her belt—what have you done today?- Joanna Angel Queen of punk-rock porno, Joanna’s company Burning Angel has taken alt porn to new heights (and lows), forsaking the softcore antics of Suicide Girls in exchange for real good tattoo- and piercing- and hairdye-saturated filth. It doesn’t hurt that she is a smoking hot mousey punk-rock porn-star herself, but the stable of women she works with is every metalhead’s wet dream.
- Belladonna Throughout all of history, gap-toothed women are presented as nothing but trouble (think Chaucer’s Wife of Bath). Case in point, Belladonna, an ever-evolving dream of a sex goddess defined by her penchant for the extreme and her gapped front teeth. Even talking about her is… I’ll be back in five.
- Nina Hartley Heavy metal exists in a time warp, where modern underground acts can easily open for legendary veterans. That’s why Nina Hartley’s on this list: She’s been doing it for almost 30 years, and still does it today, and she’s still hot as hell. If she were a band, she’d be Motörhead.
- Mei Mara You think you’re kinky? Own some handcuffs, a blindfold with “Sssh” embroidered on it? You’re clown shoes, pal. You’d get a 3 out of 10 in the face-slapping contest. Mei Mara’s sex life is an uncompromising insane asylum where madness makes living dolls quiver and metal pronged-agony is the truest form of love. You ever listen to Today Is The Day? Like that, only sexier.
- Bridget the Midget She’s a hard-rocking little person whose had more sex than you’ll ever rub one out to. Need I say more?
