Eddie Nero, the Drunken Master

Beginning in season four, Rob Lowe assumed the role of Eddie Nero—a loose-cannon method actor who likes to live, breathe, and smell everything his character would—who, at the time, was meant to portray Moody in the Hollywood adaptation of Fucking and Punching, Moody’s account of being seduced by a 16-year-old. As soon as he made his entrance, flying through the air, in “Mad Dogs,” it’s clear he’s been through some shit recently. Dressed head-to-toe in white religious garb, Nero sings a round of “Oklahoma” and recounts the time “I took a man in my mouth once.” Despite that, he declared he’d have sex with a woman at the party Fetch has convinced Runkle to throw tonight. (Spoiler alert) The woman he had sex with, of course, was Moody’s ex, Karen (Natascha McElhone), prompting the ever-moody Hank to punch him. When Nero does his best noodle-armed “drunken master,” shit gets real and Hank broke a coffee table with him. The revelation comes out, at some point, that the man Nero fellated was actually Karen’s other ex, so maybe we’ll get some more drunken-master antics in the last few episodes of the season.

Charlie’s House and the Chocolate Factory

Fetch’s obsession in this episode was the ’60s legend that Mick Jagger had once eaten a candy bar from the vagina of his girlfriend, Marianne Faithfull. Although that legend is anything but true (even Keith Richards has wondered the source of the the “Mars Bar”), Fetch attempts to relive not just the time he mentioned earlier in the episode but once more. This time, though, the vagina in question belongs to Charlie Runkle’s ex Marcy (Pamela Adlon), who used her wiles to convince Fetch to dismiss a bed full of “tall, leggy blondes,” to use his term. But before he gets down to business, he describes his role in the whole thing as, “this gift, this opportunity to transcend your everyday suburban existence and have sex with a fucking rock star, thereby giving you a story to dine out on for years to come.” By including that line, I just wanted to underscore the rock-star solipsism Californication‘s writers lampoon so perfectly (though I can’t say I’ve heard anything that self-centered in my years of interviewing); I’m sure some rock stars think that way, though. In any case, when Fetch’s wife Natalie (Sarah Wynter) walks in on them, Fetch and Marcy are reenacting Jagger’s mythical moves—and the devil Fetch gets no sympathy.

“Rock Star Wives”

For as much as the show has dealt with the groupie mentality this season, Natalie offers up an idea of what it takes to be a “rock star wife”—or, more specifically, the wife of a constant adulterer. After she caught Fetch with Marcy, she took Hank and try to convince him to sleep with her. “Do you know what it takes to be a rock star’s wife Hank?” she says, alluringly. “I have certain skills. I know how to give the kind of sharp and focused head that cuts through the bullshit. Other women out there are like licking lollipops. They’re lazy. They’re entitled. They think just by putting it in their mouth that’s all they need to do. But you and I know that’s just the beginning. I know how to get shit done.” Luckily, for Fetch at least, she’s more virtuous, which suits the trope well. “Do you love your husband?” Hank asks. “Yeah, I do.” No harm, no foul.

The 37 Club

“Ladies and gentleman, I have an announcement to make,” Fetch says after bursting into the living room. “All my life, I have loved exactly one woman with all my heart. Have I fucked countless others? Yes. Does that make me a bad man? I don’t think so. But in the court of public opinion, I am a scoundrel, a rogue, a rake, perhaps even a rapscallion.” After that soliloquy, Fetch pulls out a golden pistol and puts it in his mouth, convinced he can’t live without his wife. “I created Atticus Fetch,” he says. “Now I have to kill him before he kills me.” (Spoiler) Although it’s revealed later that Fetch is in no way ready to join the list of dead rock stars (many of whom, like Kurt Cobain, died at age 27—Fetch actor Minchin is 37) because he didn’t put any bullets in the gun, there’s one great revelation: his character’s real name is Ollie. OLLIE!!

Acoustica

The episode ends, as Hank and Karen walk on the beach. More “metal,” though, is the acoustic folk cover of Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” playing in the background. The woman behind the version is the freckle-faced, husky-voiced solo artist Lissie, and you can hear it in all its sullen glory below.

Production stills by  Peter Iovino/SHOWTIME

As for “Lost in the Clouds,” the episode was a satirical sendup of rock-star excess, since it mostly took place on the New York-bound plane belonging to Atticus Fetch, the show’s overindulgent coke-loving, sex-obsessed rocker played by Tim Minchin. Or as the show’s Bukowskian author Hank Moody (played by David Duchovny) says, “He’s like a retarded rock-and-roll puppy.” Not only was the plane named Air Force 69 but it has two stewardesses who claim, “Your every wish is our command.” Or, er, “Atticus makes us say that shit. But we will make out with each other if you want.” And they do! And with that opening, thus began one of the dirtiest episodes in Californication history (that doesn’t feature nudity), complete with mile-high-clubbing, snorting cadaveric ashes, hand jobs, adultery, and sodomy—just for those keeping track. Culling from those excesses, here are our picks for the episode’s most metal moments.

Air Force 69

Although Fetch’s plane was briefly seen in the first episode of the season, let’s take a closer look at its many wonders. As far as rock legends go, this is how we’d all like to imagine Sabbath, Zeppelin, Nugent, Def Leppard, GN’R, and all the other drugs-n-groupie-loving Golden Gods of rock travel. In addition to its lesbianic stewardesses—who take quite kindly to Sex Pistol Steve Jones, who plays a security guard this season—the plane features many stairways to heaven-on-earth: there’s a Clockwork Orange–esque white porcelain bar, a couple of Marshall stacks (including one upholstered in white fur), a drum set, a piano, and what Fetch calls his “erotic chapel.” The latter chamber is basically a mile-high fuckpad, complete with a statue holding one of those orbs with lightning in it, a waterbed and fur blankets, and posters and gold records on the wall to remind Fetch why he’s so awesome.

It’s in the “erotic chapel,” where he propositions the season’s groupie extraordinaire Faith (actress Maggie Grace) to be his muse, referencing the “Dead Rock Star” of episode three, named Tony, who was played by Sebastian Bach. “Tony said when you came into his life, he was blocked and bloated and strung out on China white, and two days later, he had a double album’s worth of material,” Fetch tells Faith. “I would very much like to receive the same benefits. In exchange for which you would receive first-class travel, pharmaceutical grade narcotics, the occasional trinket, and a solid 5.9 inches of rock-star penis.” Which, he clarifies with a twinge of nervousness in his voice, “That’s from taint to tip. And that’s the high end of average. Don’t believe what you read.” Uh, no comment.

And before we totally move on from the topic of Fetch’s frisky fellow, I’d like to address his masturbation rant. When Moody calls the rock star out about cheating on his wife, Fetch protests by saying, “That’s different. Do you urinate, Hank? Do you defecate? There are elements in the human body that need to take flight. Ejaculate’s just one of them.” To which Moody says, “Right, that’s what masturbation’s for.” And Fetch says, “No, masturbation? Masturbation’s for the poor, the downtrodden, the silent unfuckables. I walk down the street and women present themselves. They want to extract my fluids. It’s an honor and a privilege, Hank. What sort of asshole would refuse such a kindness?”

Although Moody once again brings up Fetch’s wife, whom the rock star drugged with Ambien so he could hit on Faith, I’d like to point out Moody’s hypocrisy: For a man who is constantly trying to get back with his ex, he very rarely turns down sex. It’s the thing that keeps the series going, and it’s what makes Moody a rock-star character in his own right, but at a certain point, you gotta wonder when he’s going to start questioning his own culpability, especially now that his daughter is asking him about blowjobs, as she does at the beginning of this episode. I don’t want to protest too much, though, since Hank’s hankerings are what keeps the show going.

The Dead Rock Star’s Widow, Trudy

She may be in mourning, but Tony’s widow (played by Alanna Ubach) is not giving up on good times. Not only does she intend to sprinkle Tony’s ashes around Madison Square Garden (see her trying to snort them in the image) but she makes no bones about getting fresh with Runkle. When the agent tells her he’s afraid of flying, she relaxes him by giving him a handjob. “Stand up and shout for Trudy,” she says, forever sullying the title of a Dio classic with images of Runkle’s little Runkle. It doesn’t take long, though, before Runkle puts his seat back in its upright position. “You’re a speedy one, ain’t you,” she says. “Good for you. You got yours. I might ask you to put it in me bum later. It’s too small for the front, but just right for the back.” (Spoilers) And she does, right before the plane goes into a nose dive à la Lynyrd Skynyrd. See for yourself:

Faith Herself

“What’s your favorite Radiohead album?” Faith asks Moody mid-episode. “Oh that’s easy. None of them. That shit’s way too cool for me.” She playfully says, “Fuck off.” That’s score one for Moody. Then he turns it around: “Here’s one for you. Side two, track three, Houses of the Holy, by a little band they liked to call the Led Zeppelin.” She smirks and goes, “Mmmm, ‘No Quarter.’” In my book, that’s match point for Faith. Moody’s beloved ex, Karen, better watch out, because this may be love. At the end of the episode (spoilers again), she tells Moody, “You made it to the next round,” right before she invites him into Fetch’s fur-covered bed. “Is it naked naptime?” Moody asks. I’m guessing next week. Karen will not be a-mused.

Production stills by Jordin Althaus/SHOWTIME

With Moody back in the overindulgent fêtes of gritty West Hollywood, he succumbs to his old ways quickly, as he accompanies the last episode‘s muse-cum-groupie (no dirtiness intended) to the funeral of her recently passed rock-star paramour. The “service”—in which Californication‘s producers attempt to imagine what a rocker’s grand finale looks like—starts to bring this season’s hard-rock thrust back into focus, thanks in no small part to cameos from the Sex Pistols’ Steve Jones and Sebastian Effin’ Bach as the deceased guitarist. With that on the table, here are our picks for the most metal moments in “Dead Rock Stars.”

Groupie Etiquette Defined

As Artie Lange nearly chokes, the last episode’s groupie-muse character Faith, played by Maggie Grace, tells the rehab counselor that the funeral services for the guitarist she was adulterating were happening that day. When he tells her she should go, she says, “That would be a pretty serious breach of groupie etiquette.” She elaborates by saying, “I can’t just show up there all alone. The chick who rolls up solo to the funeral is usually the one who was fucking a dead guy.”

While Robert’s Rules of Road-Dog Order has never officially been published, Faith may have hit on something by outlining the parameters of groupie protocol. Should she respect the boundaries of common decency with regard to STD-riddled fretboard fornicators? Moreover, since she was in love with this man (and we assume he loved her back), how dutifully should she dodge his widow and the friends who hid her from the widow? Which side of the plate does the salad fork go on? Somehow she knows how to work around these burning questions (and probably other burning things) and we should commend her respectability in the manner. The only downfall, as we learn, is Hank Moody, whom the counselor sends along with her to the funeral.

Fictional Rock Stars Have Epic Funerals!

The scenes depicting Faith’s dead rocker ex (who, just so you don’t think we’re being cagey, is officially named Dead Rock Star) showcase one metal funeral. There’s a dude passed out on a headstone, fans are holding black T-shirts, biker types pour out alcohol and cheers one another, paparazzi take pictures, there are merch tents(!) and tour programs and lots of crying. In the merch area, vendors pour vodka from coffin-shaped bottles and tow fans are kissing and pissing simultaneously. It’s a funeral with VIP Access passes! The rocker’s coffin is studded with skull-encrusted guitars and iron crosses and lined with leopard print, adorned with backstage passes. Giant stacks of Marshall amps flank the coffin. Best yet, the “tour manager” on set is played by Steve Jones and the rock-star corpse is none other than Sebastian Bach!

Fictional Rock Stars Say Goodbye Like Real-Life Rappers

Taking a cue from 2Pac and his Coachella hologram, Bach’s rock star alter ego gets beamed over his coffin. “If you’re seeing me in this badass holographic form, that means I must be dead, which totally sucks for me,” he says in an English accent that really doesn’t sound like Sebastian Bach. “I don’t want any of you people feeling sorry for me,” he continues. “I’ve had a great fucking life.” Then the at least 30-foot-high hologram does another thing we’ve never seen Sebastian Bach do: He rips out a shredding guitar solo!

After the guitar solo, it seems like Faith’s groupie etiquette has paid off. After having a confrontation with Bach’s widow, they reconcile. “I’m sorry I was such a bitch,” says the widow. “I’m sorry I fucked your husband,” Faith rejoins. All is well in the world.

The Orgy Scene

“You’re all invited back to my place,” says Atticus Fetch, actor Tim Minchin’s (living) fictional rock star introduced in episode one of this season, at the funeral. “We’ll consume narcotics and listen to Exile and get our penises out in honor of our fallen comrade.” And damned if they didn’t do just that. Back at the mansion introduced in the last episode, Fetch approaches Moody naked, holding an acoustic guitar. “I’m going to play you the greatest song ever written in the history of the universe,” he says. “After which, we shall snort cocaine and have our assholes tongued by the angels.” And again, damned if they don’t do just that—just not onscreen. (Spoilers ahead!) The next day when Moody’s ex Karen arrives to start the interior design job Fetch’s wife hired her for, she finds Moody in a drugged-out sleep on a pile of topless women. “We shared an 8-ball, amongst other things,” explains Fetch. Moody has relapsed indeed.

Production stills by Jordin Althaus/SHOWTIME

TACKLE OUT FOR THE AMERICAN MARKET
“The first weird onstage experience that springs to mind was on the ’87 Hysteria Tour, in the round (staged in the middle of the arena like a boxing ring). We were playing an acoustic song and I was sitting on the drum riser. I looked up and saw everyone immediately in front of me and all the way up…pointing. I kinda looked around but then realized that my Levi’s had completely ripped open and everything was hanging out and actually everyone was pointing at my bollocks.”

A MILLION AND COUNTING…
“This one wasn’t scary or anything but just really interesting. We were playing in Philadelphia on the famous Rocky steps for the Live 8 Concert. There were a million people in attendance. It was really weird seeing that many people in one place. I couldn’t see past the first 100,000.”

TEARGASSED
“This was in the ’80′s–I can’t remember the exact year–but we were playing in Switzerland. We were killing it. We were actually playing really, really great. And then all of a sudden, at least half the audience disappeared within seconds…just running out the doors. I couldn’t quite figure out what was happening until the tear gas hit us on stage. We had to stop playing and that was the end of that. Some idiot in the audience had let off tear gas.”

IT’S ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL YOUR GUITARIST LOSES AN EYE
“After being in a band for, like, 30 years, we’ve obviously seen and had a bunch of things thrown on the stage at us–ninja stars, scissors, a live cat, a three-foot-long double-headed dildo, bottles, etc. But the one that really affected me most was getting smacked in the eye by a heel from a woman’s “Fuck me” pump in Portland, Oregon in ’83. I remember it really hurt and it gave me a black eye but I kept on playing. It wasn’t until a few years later that I discovered it was the trauma from the shoe that led me to having cataract surgery at the extremely young age of 30 something (you don’t usually get them ’til you’re about 60, right?).”

SLICKSTER
“Me and Joe are the only two band members fortunate enough to have not fallen off the stage. However, during the guitar solo on ‘Foolin’ at the Meadowlands Arena in ’88, I made one step forward and realized I was looking at the ceiling. I slipped so fast I turned upwards. All the lights were on me because we were playing in the round. But the weird thing about that was seeing the ceiling then feeling the bump. I actually didn’t know I had slipped because it all happened so quick. I had slipped on oil from all the smoke machines. I jumped up really fast and thought I had gotten away with it until a fan in Boston said he’d seen one of our three shows at the Meadowlands. I asked him what night he went and he said, ‘The one where you fell over!’ Obviously, I’m not as slick as the oil.”

Brandon Geist
Editor in Chief

Morbid Angel, Illud Divinum Insanus
“It doesn’t come out til June 7, but, dude, the new Morbid Angel album, their first with original vocalist David Vincent in 16 years, is fucking awesome—and wacky as all shit. There are classic-sounding church-burners like ’10 More Dead’ and ‘Nevermore,’ but then there are also stripped-down, almost nu-metally chant-alongs like the totally badass ‘I Am Morbid’ and Rob Zombie-ish industrial-metal stompers like ‘Radikult.’ You gotta hear it to believe it.”

Sixx:A.M., This Is Gonna Hurt
“I was pretty much hooked on Sixx:A.M.’s hit single, ‘Life is Beautiful,’ as soon as I heard it back in 2007. It’s just too damn catchy. And this new album is full of similarly hooky, hard-rock anthems that have already been stuck in my head for weeks just from hearing them in demo version. In particular, the title track and ‘Live Forever,’ which has a soaring chorus worthy of Muse, are pretty much irresistible.”

Down, NOLA
“Wow, how bummed I am about missing Down’s recent NYC show? Phil Anselmo gets his head sliced open by Pepper Keenan’s guitar during their second song and ends up performing the whole show with blood-streaming down his face, GG Allin-style. Bad. Ass. (I hear that after the show Phil was told he needed to get staples but refused them.) Relistening to Down’s classic debut album is small consolation for missing the gory epicness, but holy crap, does it still crush. ‘Hail the Leaf’!”

Bathory, Blood Fire Death
“Every few months I come back to this album and it always blows me away—a Viking metal classic, through and through. My favorite track is ‘Dies Irae.’”

Morbid Angel, Illud Divinum Insanus
“That’s right. I’ve heard it. Some of it will absolutely knock your socks off. And the song with the Celtic Frost referencing title—’I Am Morbid’—is a reverent nod to extreme metal’s forefathers.”

Sister, “Bullshit & Backstabbing”
“We premiered this track by the Swedish sleaze metallers earlier this week, and I gotta say—I can’t get it out of my head. It reminds me of ’80s Swedish glam metallers Shotgun Messiah right before they became an industrial-metal group.”

Josh Bernstein
Creative Director

Municipal Waste, Hazardous Mutation
“From ‘Bangover’ to ‘Guilty Of Being Tight,’ Virginia’s Municipal Waste, lay waste to 15 thrash-crossover classics here. Fast, aggressive, precise, and actually fun. With a cover painted by Ed Repka, how can you lose?”

Sex Pistols, The Great Rock & Roll Swindle
“After getting to meet the coolest Sex Pistol ever at the Golden Gods (hint: not Johnny or Sid), I had to dig out my old Great Rock & Roll Swindle album and check out some of the deeper cuts. For a band that only released one real album, this collection of B-sides, demos, covers, and oddball disco and classical versions of their hits is truly insane and should find a home in anyone’s music library.”

FEAR, The Record
“Their first, their best. Lee Ving still sounds dangerous, insane, racist, and frankly one of the best and most compelling frontmen ever. I can see why the SNL execs freaked out in 1981 and banned them for life…”

Josh Hart
Web Producer

Explosions in the Sky, Take Care, Take Care, Take Care
“It’s amazing in this age of short attention spans that a band that routinely writes 8-10 minute long instrumentals could have a Top 20 album, just over a month after a headlining show at New York City’s Radio City Music Hall. ‘Trembling Hands’ and ‘Be Careful, Creature’ are favorites.”

Atomic Rooster, Atomic Rooster
“Progressive (don’t let that word scare you off) rock from the early ’70s featuring members of the Crazy World of Arthur Brown. Later releases may have been heavier, but the first album will probably always be my favorite.”

Eisbrecher, Eisbrecher
“Those unfamiliar with the German industrial music scene (what, are you living under a rock?) might be surprised to know there are actually quite a few bands in the Rammstein vein floating around Deutschland. There are definitely more than a few copycat albums that will send you running for your copy of Mutter, but Eisbrecher’s self-titled effort ain’t half bad, even by Rammstein standards.”

Jimmy Hubbard
Photography Director

A Storm Of Light, As The Valley of Death Becomes Us, Our Silver Memories Fade
“Fourth record from A Storm of Light and easily my favorite. After three great records, it sounds like these guys really figured out their own sound and it’s a lot different than I was expecting. Still has a lot of the Neurosis, Isis vibe, but kind of has a cool industrial thing going on. These guys touring with Tombs is going to make an awesome bill.”

Indian, Guiltless
“Another awesome band from Chicago and another awesome sounding album produced by Sanford Parker (Nachtmystium, Minsk, Buried at Sea). Great, brutal doomy metal, great organic sounding record. Band also features Will Lindsay of Wolves in the Throne Room and Nachtmystium.”

The Black Dahlia Murder, Ritual
“I have been listening to a lot of Black Dahlia Murder recently, mostly because we just finished an awesome feature on them. (Wait ’til the next issue!) But, yep, as I expected, this record is great! Sounds like BDM, with a bit more black metal influences, sounds like someone has been listening to a little Deathspell Omega….”