Chris Krovatin is the author of three young adult novels, Heavy Metal & You, Venomous, and Gravediggers: Mountain of Bones. He is currently working on multiple new writing projects, as well as new material with his local New York metal band Flaming Tusk. He is a contributing writer for Revolver and generally comes off as a good-natured pain in everyone’s collective ass. This column represents his opinions–and probably only his opinions.
It is rare that great albums have great covers. On the odd instance they do, something beautiful occurs, a perfect coupling of music and imagery that cements that record into your mind. But plenty of incredible records have lame faces forward. For every British Steel, there is an Ace of Spades. For every South of Heaven, there is a Bonded By Blood. Sometimes, the lack of an awesome cover makes the album even better–a mind-blowing collection of songs with a solidly “Meh” cover makes the music even cooler, as it stands on its own without the help of flashy graphics. Most importantly, a bad album with a bad cover is the worst thing in the world and should be treated as such. Maybe the “Black Album” doesn’t look as good as Master of Puppets, but we all know Lulu can go fuck itself.
This year in metal was no different than any other. Some bands blew our minds with the evocative imagery, and some really shat the bed in full-force. Of course, underground bands with more investment in actual art took the lead, creating awesome weird cover art that speaks to creative souls, while mainstream artists on major labels pumped out cliché and over-produced pieces of hackneyed crap (though in the case of Tankard, you can’t even blame the big record companies–they just chose poorly). So if you consider yourself an artistic soul or a philistine, enjoy my Six Best and Worst Metal Album Covers of 2012. Damn your eyes.
The Six Best Metal Album Covers of 2012:
1. Sigh, In Somniphobia I wish I could even begin to describe what the fuck is going on here. The way I’m seeing it, the elderly aristocrat is pregnant with her eighth dead baby, and everyone at the Italian outdoor market is overjoyed about it. Incredible, but fuck, man.
2. Black Breath, Sentenced To Life This is like a cooler version of those old Exciter album covers—a single hand, leather-clad, coming out of the darkness and smashing the fourth wall with a sledgehammer. The image is both awesome on its own and a perfect representation of the album’s general atmosphere. Brutal.
3. Lord Mantis, Pervertor Here’s what I’m getting: Christ is in Hell, and a number of corpse-faced ambulatory cocks are using their barbed tongues to explore his newly created vagina. Is…is that what’s going on here? Because if that’s it, I’m really not sure whether I should be overjoyed or very, very worried.
4. Six Feet Under, Undead Not only was Undead a solid and entertaining death-metal album, but it had an absolutely incredible cover, with a whirling mind of evil meat perfectly illustrating the inner workings of the zombie. Finally, these guys figured it out.
5. The Howling Wind, Of Babalon Drawn by the inimitable Tony Roberts, this creeping and sinister cover exudes a sense of organic black magic that many fans dream of. It’s one of the few recent album covers that features a naked woman which doesn’t immediately seem corny to me.
6. Kreator, Phantom Antichrist Wes Benscoter, king among death-metal album artists, has done it again with this twisted, over-the-top illustration of…well, the Phantom Antichrist, I guess? Once again, it’s probably a good sign that I have no exact idea what’s happening here, I just want in.
Honorable mentions: The Northless/Light Bearer split for its creepy electric doom priests, and the Horseback/Locrian split for its giant woodland vagina castle.
The Six Worst Metal Album Covers of 2012:
1. Tankard, A Girl Called Cerveza BLECCH. Nevermind that Tankard’s thrash paeans to beer have gone a little flat over time—this cover is beyond hideous. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve all drank enough to flirt with a broad like this, but ugh. Why would you even. GYAH.
.jpeg)
2. Geoff Tate, Kings and Thieves I promise, as much as I find Geoff Tate a ridiculous cornball, I won’t make fun of his album cover if it’s—oh, wait, it’s a confused mess reminiscent of 2008 with its fleur de lis and ravens. Is the one raven stuck? How does this relate to the album? Man, you’re batting a thousand, Geoff.
3. In This Moment, Blood Remember what I said about naked chicks in the last list? Case in point. Between teasing us with naked women that are then weird mannequins and showcasing Maria Brink (are there other members to this band?), In This Moment lost the plot with this album cover. Cool title—wish you’d done something here with it. So the record’s about what? Boobs or crows?
.jpeg)
4. Ministry, Relapse Whelp, sometimes the mighty fall far. The gods of metallic industrial have graced us with the image of a fat, foaming-at-the-mouth ODing metal dude in a…church? Or something? Ugh. This
5. Adrenaline Mob, Omerta BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAH! Guys, let’s not do this. Everything going on here has been done better by bands like Volbeat and Chrome Division. The rings on the skeletons finger only make me think of some jackass rapper, any jackass rapper. And the devil/angel girl card? Grow the fuck up.
6. Yngwie Malmsteen’s Rising Force, Spellbound What. An. Asshole.
Describing the music on In Somniphobia by genre is impossible. It’s barely metal—while virtuosic darkness, growled vocals, and warlike drumming color all 11 tracks herein, there are also elements of smoky blues, throbbing techno, and spaghetti-western soundtracks. The marching-band horn sections of 2010’s Scenes From Hell are replaced by synthetic romanticism, a kind of sax-and-synth-based psycho-vomit that both enchants and pummels. “The Transfiguration Fear” sounds like a Satanic ritual in Toontown, while “L’excommunica-tion a Minuit” will have fans rolling on the floor at the black-metal revival church. “Amnesia” is a smoke-scented film noir bender, while “Amongst The Phantoms Of Abandoned Tumbrils” merges blackened distortion and European funeral dirges to a perfect degree.
If In Somniphobia has a flaw, it might be that it is at times so weird that its more metal aspects stand out as odd; “Fall To The Thrall,” for instance, sticks out as straight-forward orchestral black metal. This, however, is easily overlooked. There is nothing wrong with cracking metal’s mold if the progression is done well, and Sigh have done that, creating a vivid nightmare beyond simple conception. Good albums make you bang your head, this one will have you jumping out the goddamn window. CHRIS KROVATIN
]]>
Our favorite holiday? Easy: Halloween. We’re eagerly counting down the days to All Hallows Eve, and we’re doing it by enlisting some of our favorite rockers to select the “most metal” fright flicks of all time. So check back right here at RevolverMag.com every day until the big, bad scariest one of them all. Next up, Japanese black-metal Sigh main man Mirai Kawashima, whose picks were all produced in his homeland, Japan!
Jigoku (Hell)
“This is a cult classic. It’s about hell, and I must say this is one of the most fucked-up movies ever made! In the movie’s hell, people are skinned and dismembered, and others forced to walk on needles for eternity.”
Kyofu Kikei Ningen (Horrors of Malformed Men)
“This is crazy! It’s so cheap and cheesy, but you gotta love this! Fucked-up storyline, lots of freaks, and this extremely horrible ending!”
Guinea Pig Series
“Strange enough, but these are some of the most famous horror movies in Japan. The famous serial killer here, Tsutomu Miyazaki, who killed four girls, was said to love the second film, Flower of Flesh and Blood, and it inspired him for his crimes. The first two are probably the best.”
Audition
“Probably the scariest movie by shock director Takashi Miike. The contrast between the romantic-comedy-like first half and the torture-filled second half is brilliant. The first part is slow and dull, but the ending… Even the bad acting makes the movie better!”
Dark Water
“The Japanese version of the ghost story is dark, atmospheric, and scary—though it has a stupid ending. Actually, I’d recommend the original short novel rather than the movie. It’s available in English so I suggest you grab it straightaway!”
Chris “Fatneck McFlabbyass” Krovatin is the author of two young adult novels, Heavy Metal & You and Venomous. He is currently working on multiple new writing projects, as well as new material with his local New York metal band Flaming Tusk. He is a freelance writer for Revolver and generally comes off as a good-natured pain in everyone’s collective ass.
Let me be frank with you guys: I totally love Revolver’s Hottest Chicks in Hard Rock issue. It’s arguably my highlight of the heavy-music-magazine year (second only, of course, to the Hit Parader Dick-Touching Tournament). Now, while some readers may snicker and say, “Of course you do, Chris, you fat fucking onanist,” you’re missing the point. The issue is rarely tawdry or disrespectful, but rather a reminder to myself, and hopefully to others out there, that there are many confident, talented, and beautiful women making extreme music right now. (To be fair, though, as a man who likes his women reality-based, the issue could use a plus-size metal chick or two.)
Similarly, I don’t respect an all-male metal band unless at least one of them looks like he’s going to eat my face, take 30 shits, and die. For dudes in extreme metal, hideousness is currency; in fact, the misshapen mugs of Jagger, Vicious, and Kilmeister lead me to believe that rock and roll itself is saturated with a tradition of calculated freakishness amongst men, which only adds to their overall sexiness. When I see a metal singer trying to gyrate me into submission, I get pissed; when he looks like the thing next to the trashcan I passed on the way through the parking lot, I’m down like a clown. So, step right up, Golden Gods and gross bastards alike, for my picks for the Six Hottest Chicks and Ugliest Dudes in Metal.
The Six Hottest Chicks In Metal:
1) Doro Pesch Not only is Doro still incredibly fine in her 40s, she’s also unspeakably metal. When you imagine a post-apocalyptic warrior woman, you think of Doro Pesch. No. 1, easily.
2) Liz Buckingham of Electric Wizard Every metalhead dreams of finding a cute blonde in a denim vest who just wants to smoke weed, worship Satan, and play thunderous doom-metal guitar all day. So simply put: Ms. Buckingham is every metalhead male’s dream come true.
3) Karen Cuda of Nashville Pussy The streaky-haired bassist for Southern metal’s filthiest band is an energetic biker babe built for sin. There’s something enchanting about a woman who might beat you up…
4) Sean Yseult of White Zombie With the face of a cherub, the bass of a mortician, and the threads of a sideshow freak, Ms. Yseult will always be remembered as as the band member who brought credible sexiness to one of the sexiest bands in metal. Unless you’re really into dreadlocks and cowboy hats.
5) Grace Perry of Landmine Marathon Not only is Landmine Marathon’s singer one of the most brutifal vocalists in metal, but she’s incredibly nice, and a Trekkie. So a smoking nerd who screams death metal. Jesus.
6) Dr. Mikannibal of Sigh This stunning saxophonist-vocalist for Japan’s premiere black-metal troupe has a PhD in physics and records her parts in the nude. Just be careful, boys—on her MySpace page, her first two interests are “prostate” and “urethra.” Yikes…
The Six Ugliest Dudes In Metal:
1) Erik Rutan of Hate Eternal The best death-metal vocalists are the ones who actually look like they’re going to murder you in a cave and eat your bones. Well, this guy has bone-eater written all over his severe, misanthropic face.
2) Billy Milano of S.O.D. I feel like it’s one thing to have a mean-looking frontman, but it’s another one entirely if he’s an offensive, lumbering, drug-crazed fat fuck. Points to metal’s funniest band for their freakish singer.
3) Devin Townsend: OK, these days, the genius behind Strapping Young Lad et al. looks like this (see left). But remember, he once looked like this. Oh yeah. You can’t un-see it.
4) William Murderface of Dethklok This unhygienic, overweight, club-footed gap-toothed piece-of-shit bassist is a perfect representation of everything disgusting about death metal. What can I tell you, pobody’s nerfect.
5) It of Abruptum Fuck glam metal, it’s all about getting laid. Let’s be the anti-glam and try to never, ever get laid! I know! Let’s hire a repulsive corpse-paint-caked dwarf for a frontman! Brilliant work, everyone!
6) Oderus Urungus of Gwar Say it with me now, kids: OH GOD NO.