Eddie Nero, the Drunken Master

Beginning in season four, Rob Lowe assumed the role of Eddie Nero—a loose-cannon method actor who likes to live, breathe, and smell everything his character would—who, at the time, was meant to portray Moody in the Hollywood adaptation of Fucking and Punching, Moody’s account of being seduced by a 16-year-old. As soon as he made his entrance, flying through the air, in “Mad Dogs,” it’s clear he’s been through some shit recently. Dressed head-to-toe in white religious garb, Nero sings a round of “Oklahoma” and recounts the time “I took a man in my mouth once.” Despite that, he declared he’d have sex with a woman at the party Fetch has convinced Runkle to throw tonight. (Spoiler alert) The woman he had sex with, of course, was Moody’s ex, Karen (Natascha McElhone), prompting the ever-moody Hank to punch him. When Nero does his best noodle-armed “drunken master,” shit gets real and Hank broke a coffee table with him. The revelation comes out, at some point, that the man Nero fellated was actually Karen’s other ex, so maybe we’ll get some more drunken-master antics in the last few episodes of the season.

Charlie’s House and the Chocolate Factory

Fetch’s obsession in this episode was the ’60s legend that Mick Jagger had once eaten a candy bar from the vagina of his girlfriend, Marianne Faithfull. Although that legend is anything but true (even Keith Richards has wondered the source of the the “Mars Bar”), Fetch attempts to relive not just the time he mentioned earlier in the episode but once more. This time, though, the vagina in question belongs to Charlie Runkle’s ex Marcy (Pamela Adlon), who used her wiles to convince Fetch to dismiss a bed full of “tall, leggy blondes,” to use his term. But before he gets down to business, he describes his role in the whole thing as, “this gift, this opportunity to transcend your everyday suburban existence and have sex with a fucking rock star, thereby giving you a story to dine out on for years to come.” By including that line, I just wanted to underscore the rock-star solipsism Californication‘s writers lampoon so perfectly (though I can’t say I’ve heard anything that self-centered in my years of interviewing); I’m sure some rock stars think that way, though. In any case, when Fetch’s wife Natalie (Sarah Wynter) walks in on them, Fetch and Marcy are reenacting Jagger’s mythical moves—and the devil Fetch gets no sympathy.

“Rock Star Wives”

For as much as the show has dealt with the groupie mentality this season, Natalie offers up an idea of what it takes to be a “rock star wife”—or, more specifically, the wife of a constant adulterer. After she caught Fetch with Marcy, she took Hank and try to convince him to sleep with her. “Do you know what it takes to be a rock star’s wife Hank?” she says, alluringly. “I have certain skills. I know how to give the kind of sharp and focused head that cuts through the bullshit. Other women out there are like licking lollipops. They’re lazy. They’re entitled. They think just by putting it in their mouth that’s all they need to do. But you and I know that’s just the beginning. I know how to get shit done.” Luckily, for Fetch at least, she’s more virtuous, which suits the trope well. “Do you love your husband?” Hank asks. “Yeah, I do.” No harm, no foul.

The 37 Club

“Ladies and gentleman, I have an announcement to make,” Fetch says after bursting into the living room. “All my life, I have loved exactly one woman with all my heart. Have I fucked countless others? Yes. Does that make me a bad man? I don’t think so. But in the court of public opinion, I am a scoundrel, a rogue, a rake, perhaps even a rapscallion.” After that soliloquy, Fetch pulls out a golden pistol and puts it in his mouth, convinced he can’t live without his wife. “I created Atticus Fetch,” he says. “Now I have to kill him before he kills me.” (Spoiler) Although it’s revealed later that Fetch is in no way ready to join the list of dead rock stars (many of whom, like Kurt Cobain, died at age 27—Fetch actor Minchin is 37) because he didn’t put any bullets in the gun, there’s one great revelation: his character’s real name is Ollie. OLLIE!!

Acoustica

The episode ends, as Hank and Karen walk on the beach. More “metal,” though, is the acoustic folk cover of Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” playing in the background. The woman behind the version is the freckle-faced, husky-voiced solo artist Lissie, and you can hear it in all its sullen glory below.

Production stills by  Peter Iovino/SHOWTIME

As for “Lost in the Clouds,” the episode was a satirical sendup of rock-star excess, since it mostly took place on the New York-bound plane belonging to Atticus Fetch, the show’s overindulgent coke-loving, sex-obsessed rocker played by Tim Minchin. Or as the show’s Bukowskian author Hank Moody (played by David Duchovny) says, “He’s like a retarded rock-and-roll puppy.” Not only was the plane named Air Force 69 but it has two stewardesses who claim, “Your every wish is our command.” Or, er, “Atticus makes us say that shit. But we will make out with each other if you want.” And they do! And with that opening, thus began one of the dirtiest episodes in Californication history (that doesn’t feature nudity), complete with mile-high-clubbing, snorting cadaveric ashes, hand jobs, adultery, and sodomy—just for those keeping track. Culling from those excesses, here are our picks for the episode’s most metal moments.

Air Force 69

Although Fetch’s plane was briefly seen in the first episode of the season, let’s take a closer look at its many wonders. As far as rock legends go, this is how we’d all like to imagine Sabbath, Zeppelin, Nugent, Def Leppard, GN’R, and all the other drugs-n-groupie-loving Golden Gods of rock travel. In addition to its lesbianic stewardesses—who take quite kindly to Sex Pistol Steve Jones, who plays a security guard this season—the plane features many stairways to heaven-on-earth: there’s a Clockwork Orange–esque white porcelain bar, a couple of Marshall stacks (including one upholstered in white fur), a drum set, a piano, and what Fetch calls his “erotic chapel.” The latter chamber is basically a mile-high fuckpad, complete with a statue holding one of those orbs with lightning in it, a waterbed and fur blankets, and posters and gold records on the wall to remind Fetch why he’s so awesome.

It’s in the “erotic chapel,” where he propositions the season’s groupie extraordinaire Faith (actress Maggie Grace) to be his muse, referencing the “Dead Rock Star” of episode three, named Tony, who was played by Sebastian Bach. “Tony said when you came into his life, he was blocked and bloated and strung out on China white, and two days later, he had a double album’s worth of material,” Fetch tells Faith. “I would very much like to receive the same benefits. In exchange for which you would receive first-class travel, pharmaceutical grade narcotics, the occasional trinket, and a solid 5.9 inches of rock-star penis.” Which, he clarifies with a twinge of nervousness in his voice, “That’s from taint to tip. And that’s the high end of average. Don’t believe what you read.” Uh, no comment.

And before we totally move on from the topic of Fetch’s frisky fellow, I’d like to address his masturbation rant. When Moody calls the rock star out about cheating on his wife, Fetch protests by saying, “That’s different. Do you urinate, Hank? Do you defecate? There are elements in the human body that need to take flight. Ejaculate’s just one of them.” To which Moody says, “Right, that’s what masturbation’s for.” And Fetch says, “No, masturbation? Masturbation’s for the poor, the downtrodden, the silent unfuckables. I walk down the street and women present themselves. They want to extract my fluids. It’s an honor and a privilege, Hank. What sort of asshole would refuse such a kindness?”

Although Moody once again brings up Fetch’s wife, whom the rock star drugged with Ambien so he could hit on Faith, I’d like to point out Moody’s hypocrisy: For a man who is constantly trying to get back with his ex, he very rarely turns down sex. It’s the thing that keeps the series going, and it’s what makes Moody a rock-star character in his own right, but at a certain point, you gotta wonder when he’s going to start questioning his own culpability, especially now that his daughter is asking him about blowjobs, as she does at the beginning of this episode. I don’t want to protest too much, though, since Hank’s hankerings are what keeps the show going.

The Dead Rock Star’s Widow, Trudy

She may be in mourning, but Tony’s widow (played by Alanna Ubach) is not giving up on good times. Not only does she intend to sprinkle Tony’s ashes around Madison Square Garden (see her trying to snort them in the image) but she makes no bones about getting fresh with Runkle. When the agent tells her he’s afraid of flying, she relaxes him by giving him a handjob. “Stand up and shout for Trudy,” she says, forever sullying the title of a Dio classic with images of Runkle’s little Runkle. It doesn’t take long, though, before Runkle puts his seat back in its upright position. “You’re a speedy one, ain’t you,” she says. “Good for you. You got yours. I might ask you to put it in me bum later. It’s too small for the front, but just right for the back.” (Spoilers) And she does, right before the plane goes into a nose dive à la Lynyrd Skynyrd. See for yourself:

Faith Herself

“What’s your favorite Radiohead album?” Faith asks Moody mid-episode. “Oh that’s easy. None of them. That shit’s way too cool for me.” She playfully says, “Fuck off.” That’s score one for Moody. Then he turns it around: “Here’s one for you. Side two, track three, Houses of the Holy, by a little band they liked to call the Led Zeppelin.” She smirks and goes, “Mmmm, ‘No Quarter.’” In my book, that’s match point for Faith. Moody’s beloved ex, Karen, better watch out, because this may be love. At the end of the episode (spoilers again), she tells Moody, “You made it to the next round,” right before she invites him into Fetch’s fur-covered bed. “Is it naked naptime?” Moody asks. I’m guessing next week. Karen will not be a-mused.

Production stills by Jordin Althaus/SHOWTIME

With Moody back in the overindulgent fêtes of gritty West Hollywood, he succumbs to his old ways quickly, as he accompanies the last episode‘s muse-cum-groupie (no dirtiness intended) to the funeral of her recently passed rock-star paramour. The “service”—in which Californication‘s producers attempt to imagine what a rocker’s grand finale looks like—starts to bring this season’s hard-rock thrust back into focus, thanks in no small part to cameos from the Sex Pistols’ Steve Jones and Sebastian Effin’ Bach as the deceased guitarist. With that on the table, here are our picks for the most metal moments in “Dead Rock Stars.”

Groupie Etiquette Defined

As Artie Lange nearly chokes, the last episode’s groupie-muse character Faith, played by Maggie Grace, tells the rehab counselor that the funeral services for the guitarist she was adulterating were happening that day. When he tells her she should go, she says, “That would be a pretty serious breach of groupie etiquette.” She elaborates by saying, “I can’t just show up there all alone. The chick who rolls up solo to the funeral is usually the one who was fucking a dead guy.”

While Robert’s Rules of Road-Dog Order has never officially been published, Faith may have hit on something by outlining the parameters of groupie protocol. Should she respect the boundaries of common decency with regard to STD-riddled fretboard fornicators? Moreover, since she was in love with this man (and we assume he loved her back), how dutifully should she dodge his widow and the friends who hid her from the widow? Which side of the plate does the salad fork go on? Somehow she knows how to work around these burning questions (and probably other burning things) and we should commend her respectability in the manner. The only downfall, as we learn, is Hank Moody, whom the counselor sends along with her to the funeral.

Fictional Rock Stars Have Epic Funerals!

The scenes depicting Faith’s dead rocker ex (who, just so you don’t think we’re being cagey, is officially named Dead Rock Star) showcase one metal funeral. There’s a dude passed out on a headstone, fans are holding black T-shirts, biker types pour out alcohol and cheers one another, paparazzi take pictures, there are merch tents(!) and tour programs and lots of crying. In the merch area, vendors pour vodka from coffin-shaped bottles and tow fans are kissing and pissing simultaneously. It’s a funeral with VIP Access passes! The rocker’s coffin is studded with skull-encrusted guitars and iron crosses and lined with leopard print, adorned with backstage passes. Giant stacks of Marshall amps flank the coffin. Best yet, the “tour manager” on set is played by Steve Jones and the rock-star corpse is none other than Sebastian Bach!

Fictional Rock Stars Say Goodbye Like Real-Life Rappers

Taking a cue from 2Pac and his Coachella hologram, Bach’s rock star alter ego gets beamed over his coffin. “If you’re seeing me in this badass holographic form, that means I must be dead, which totally sucks for me,” he says in an English accent that really doesn’t sound like Sebastian Bach. “I don’t want any of you people feeling sorry for me,” he continues. “I’ve had a great fucking life.” Then the at least 30-foot-high hologram does another thing we’ve never seen Sebastian Bach do: He rips out a shredding guitar solo!

After the guitar solo, it seems like Faith’s groupie etiquette has paid off. After having a confrontation with Bach’s widow, they reconcile. “I’m sorry I was such a bitch,” says the widow. “I’m sorry I fucked your husband,” Faith rejoins. All is well in the world.

The Orgy Scene

“You’re all invited back to my place,” says Atticus Fetch, actor Tim Minchin’s (living) fictional rock star introduced in episode one of this season, at the funeral. “We’ll consume narcotics and listen to Exile and get our penises out in honor of our fallen comrade.” And damned if they didn’t do just that. Back at the mansion introduced in the last episode, Fetch approaches Moody naked, holding an acoustic guitar. “I’m going to play you the greatest song ever written in the history of the universe,” he says. “After which, we shall snort cocaine and have our assholes tongued by the angels.” And again, damned if they don’t do just that—just not onscreen. (Spoilers ahead!) The next day when Moody’s ex Karen arrives to start the interior design job Fetch’s wife hired her for, she finds Moody in a drugged-out sleep on a pile of topless women. “We shared an 8-ball, amongst other things,” explains Fetch. Moody has relapsed indeed.

Production stills by Jordin Althaus/SHOWTIME

The Big Four
Although Metallica, Slayer, Megadeth, and Anthrax jammed together for the first time last year, it was in 2011 they made it their calling card. Beginning with their performance of Diamond Head’s “Am I Evil?” in April to their jams in Europe (which also featured members of Diamond Head, Exodus, and Sepultura), to their U.S. final performance of Motörhead’s “Overkill” in New York City, these bands have made history at each performance.

The Metal Masters
The night before the Big Four concert in New York City, members of Megadeth and Anthrax along with drummer Mike Portnoy gathered to give instrument tips to fans and musicians a like. What the audience didn’t expect was the closing jam, which featured Anthrax’s Scott Ian, Frank Bello, and Charlie Benante, Megadeth’s David Ellefson, Mike Portnoy, and special guests Kerry King of Slayer and…Phil Anselmo of Pantera and Down fame, who sang “Fucking Hostile” and “A New Level.”

Temple of the Dog
For Pearl Jam’s 20th Anniversary concert, Chris Cornell joined the band for a four-song set of the songs he recorded with the nascent band under the name Temple of the Dog in 2011.

The Revolver Golden Gods Awards
We may be tooting our own horns here, but even we were floored by the collaborations of Avenged Sevenfold with Vinnie Paul on Pantera’s “Mouth for War” and Duff McKagan on GN’R’s “It’s So Easy,” as well as Duff, Corey Taylor, and Steve Jones’ take on Judas Priest’s “Electric Eye,” Volbeat’s take on Dusty Springfield’s “I Only Wanna Be With You,” and Asking Alexandria and Sebastian Bach’s electrifying take on “Youth Gone Wild.”

Guns N’ Roses and Zakk Wylde’s “Whole Lotta Rosie”
At a recent Indiana gig, Guns N’ Roses invited Black Label Society frontman Zakk Wylde to join them on guitar for an electrifying rendition of AC/DC’s “Whole Lotta Love.”

Mötley Crüe with Cee-Lo
Cee-Lo Green the Soul Machine, who had a massive hit last year with “Fuck You,” joined the Sunset Strip’s Kings of “Fuck You”—Mötley Crüe—at an L.A. gig in June for a rendition of his hit and the Crüe’s “Don’t Go Away Mad (Just Go Away).”

Drop in the Bucket Charity Event
At the Drop in the Bucket Charity Event, Slipknot and Stone Sour frontman Corey Taylor played a set highlighted by all of his famous friends. Together they played some of hard rock and metal’s greatest hits. Two highlights were Ozzy Osbourne’s “Crazy Train”—performed by Taylor, Jane’s Addiction’s Dave Navarro, Rob Zombie guitarist John 5, and Slayer drummer Dave Lombardo—and AC/DC’s “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap”—played by Taylor, Anthrax’s Scott Ian, John 5, and Rob Zombie bassist Piggy D and drummer Ginger Fish. For more from that night, click here.

Metallica 30th Anniversary
Nobody has ever thrown an anniversary party quite like Metallica’s 30th Anniversary shows, which wrapped up on December 10 in San Francisco. Over the course of four nights, they played with artists who influenced them, their peers, and past members of the band. These include everyone from Diamond Head to Mercyful Fate, Marianne Faithfull to Rob Halford, Alice in Chains’ Jerry Cantrell to Kid Rock, and, most impressive, original guitarists Dave Mustaine and Lloyd Grant alongside original bassist Ron McGovney for the first song the band ever recorded, “Hit the Lights.”