1. “A Toast to Romance” “First of all, it starts off with the word ‘cunt’ in the intro, which happens to be one of Michelle Meldrum’s favorite words. Hell, we still refer to ‘Walking Point’ by its working title of ‘Cuntface.’ It then charges right into some pretty aggro metal–especially for those familiar with Meldrum’s earlier material. Michele Madden’s psychotically brutal death growl comes bellowing forth, leaving neophytes scratching their heads in disbelief that that is a woman singing. The chorus is catchy as hell, which leads into an absolute face-melter of a solo by Laura Christine. The haunting wails in the post-lead section are amazing, and then it’s topped off with another destructive solo by Laura Christine, all while sub-bombs are exploding all over the place. A pummeling opener indeed.”

2. “Paid” “Kicks right into a chunky down-picker of a riff with a killer chorus to boot. Great lyrics, too.”

3. “’68 Blonde” “Michelle wrote these killer riffs, and then Madden wrote an incredible paean to our fallen sister. The vocals and lyrics are breathtaking.”

4. “Walking Point” “A real trippy but very metal song. Some crazy bass lines. Then Laura Christine pulls off probably my favorite guitar solo of all time. I seriously can’t get over how amazing this solo is. Everything I’ve ever wanted to hear in a memorable lead is fully present. Then the tune ends in full-chaos, blast beats included.”

5. “Blackened Blue” “Punches you right in the face with a monster riff, then never lets up. Woo hoooo!”

Chris “Fatneck McFlabbyass” Krovatin is the author of two young adult novels,

Let me be frank with you guys: I totally love Revolver’s Hottest Chicks in Hard Rock issue. It’s arguably my highlight of the heavy-music-magazine year (second only, of course, to the Hit Parader Dick-Touching Tournament). Now, while some readers may snicker and say, “Of course you do, Chris, you fat fucking onanist,” you’re missing the point. The issue is rarely tawdry or disrespectful, but rather a reminder to myself, and hopefully to others out there, that there are many confident, talented, and beautiful women making extreme music right now. (To be fair, though, as a man who likes his women reality-based, the issue could use a plus-size metal chick or two.)

Similarly, I don’t respect an all-male metal band unless at least one of them looks like he’s going to eat my face, take 30 shits, and die. For dudes in extreme metal, hideousness is currency; in fact, the misshapen mugs of Jagger, Vicious, and Kilmeister lead me to believe that rock and roll itself is saturated with a tradition of calculated freakishness amongst men, which only adds to their overall sexiness. When I see a metal singer trying to gyrate me into submission, I get pissed; when he looks like the thing next to the trashcan I passed on the way through the parking lot, I’m down like a clown. So, step right up, Golden Gods and gross bastards alike, for my picks for the Six Hottest Chicks and Ugliest Dudes in Metal.

 The Six Hottest Chicks In Metal:

1) Doro Pesch Not only is Doro still incredibly fine in her 40s, she’s also unspeakably metal. When you imagine a post-apocalyptic warrior woman, you think of Doro Pesch. No. 1, easily.

2) Liz Buckingham of Electric Wizard Every metalhead dreams of finding a cute blonde in a denim vest who just wants to smoke weed, worship Satan, and play thunderous doom-metal guitar all day. So simply put: Ms. Buckingham is every metalhead male’s dream come true.

3) Karen Cuda of Nashville Pussy The streaky-haired bassist for Southern metal’s filthiest band is an energetic biker babe built for sin. There’s something enchanting about a woman who might beat you up…

4) Sean Yseult of White Zombie With the face of a cherub, the bass of a mortician, and the threads of a sideshow freak, Ms. Yseult will always be remembered as as the band member who brought credible sexiness to one of the sexiest bands in metal. Unless you’re really into dreadlocks and cowboy hats.

5) Grace Perry of Landmine Marathon Not only is Landmine Marathon’s singer one of the most brutifal vocalists in metal, but she’s incredibly nice, and a Trekkie. So a smoking nerd who screams death metal. Jesus.

6) Dr. Mikannibal of Sigh This stunning saxophonist-vocalist for Japan’s premiere black-metal troupe has a PhD in physics and records her parts in the nude. Just be careful, boys—on her MySpace page, her first two interests are “prostate” and “urethra.” Yikes…

The Six Ugliest Dudes In Metal:

1) Erik Rutan of Hate Eternal The best death-metal vocalists are the ones who actually look like they’re going to murder you in a cave and eat your bones. Well, this guy has bone-eater written all over his severe, misanthropic face.

2) Billy Milano of S.O.D. I feel like it’s one thing to have a mean-looking frontman, but it’s another one entirely if he’s an offensive, lumbering, drug-crazed fat fuck. Points to metal’s funniest band for their freakish singer.

3) Devin Townsend: OK, these days, the genius behind Strapping Young Lad et al. looks like this (see left). But remember, he once looked like this. Oh yeah. You can’t un-see it.

4) William Murderface of Dethklok This unhygienic, overweight, club-footed gap-toothed piece-of-shit bassist is a perfect representation of everything disgusting about death metal. What can I tell you, pobody’s nerfect.

5) It of Abruptum Fuck glam metal, it’s all about getting laid. Let’s be the anti-glam and try to never, ever get laid! I know! Let’s hire a repulsive corpse-paint-caked dwarf for a frontman! Brilliant work, everyone!

6) Oderus Urungus of Gwar Say it with me now, kids: OH GOD NO.

Brandon Geist
Editor in Chief

Strapping Young Lad, Strapping Young Lad
“We’re featuring former Strapping Young Lad main maniac Devin Townsend on the ‘Favorite Shit’ page in our issue out July 5, and shit, the photo shoot and interview came up hilarious. So hilarious that the piece inspired me to go back to this, my favorite SYL album. A great record and a great band live.”

Dead Letter Circus, This is the Warning
“Cool album from a cool Australian band that Sumerian Records is putting out stateside in July. Their music falls somewhere between the weirdo, proggy, experi-mental realms of Tool, Muse, and the Mars Volta. That kind of shit generally gets on my nerves pretty quickly, but there are some solid, catchy songs here.”

Morbid Angel, Illud Divinum Insanus
“Still jamming this album, which is finally out in a couple weeks. I. Am. Morbid.”

Kory Grow
Senior Editor

Dark Castle, Surrender to All Life Beyond Form
“This growly sludge-metal duo gets really out their on this, their second full-length, and for the most part the experiments work. I especially like the piano and other effects on ‘Learning to Unlearn.’ In fact, the only real turn-off on this album is hackish song titles like ‘Learning to Unearn.’ (Two more terrible song titles: ‘I Hear Wind’ and ‘To Hide Is to Die.’ Nope, nope, nope.)”

Nekromantheon, Divinity of Death
“This Norwegian thrash crew shares members with the equally notable death-metal group Obliteration. Divinity of Death, their first full-length, recalls American thrash like Exodus and early Anthrax more than Euro thrash greats like Destruction and Sodom—but the growly vocals are undeniably European. Definitely worth your time.”

Black Sabbath, Born Again
“My favorite band of all time is Ozzy-era Black Sabbath—hands down. As such, I’ve always been pretty hot and cold about their other eras. I’ve tried getting into Born Again, which features Deep Purple frontman Ian Gillan on vocals, a few times over the years, after all it’s the last studio album to feature the original lineup (minus Ozzy). After listening to the WhoCares—the supergroup featuring Gillan and Sabbath guitarist Tony Iommi—so many times over the past week, I’ve come back to this and found a lot about it I like. ‘Disturbing the Priest’ and especially ‘Zero the Hero’ are great songs. I even like the ‘ballad,’ ‘Keep It Warm.’ I still have a hard time calling them Sabbath, but now I can see why musicians ranging from Cannibal Corpse to Lars Ulrich can call this album a classic. You just have to overlook the clichéd album cover and exceptionally bad sound mix—two things Gillan has always complained about with this record. I’m hoping when the deluxe version comes out on May 30 that it sounds better.”

Josh Bernstein
Creative Director

Captain Beefheart, Safe as Milk
“This album is not as revered as Trout Mask Replica, but it’s way more accessible and catchy. ‘Sure ‘Nuff ‘n Yes I Do,’ and ‘Call on Me’ are killer tunes and this is some of the heaviest bass playing pre-Geezer Butler that is out there. (Jerry Handley on bass!)”

Jeff Beck Group, Truth
“Not as well known as the Hendrix/Clapton/Page three-headed guitar monster, Beck in my opinion is even better. Proof of that is on his post-Yardbird’s 1968 debut of the Jeff Beck Group. Released at the same time as Led Zeppelin, this record is just as hard-hitting and legendary in my eyes (ears?) and this is some of the heaviest bass playing pre-Geezer Butler that is out there. (Ronnie Wood on bass!)”

Blue Cheer, Vincebus Eruptum
“Cream might have been the first power trio, but these Bay-area acid freaks played even faster and louder. This album is super short on songs, but long on power. Even if this just contained their balls-to-the-walls cover of Eddie Cochran’s ‘Summertime Blues,’ heavy music would never be the same. This is some of the heaviest bass playing pre-Geezer Butler that is out there. (Dickie Peterson on bass!)”

Jimmy Hubbard
Photography Director

Lock Up, Necropolis Transparent
“Grind, grind, grind and a little bit evil grind, too. I was never a big fan of the previous Lock Up records–not even sure why? The band features duders from At The Gates, Napalm Death, and Cradle of Filth. I mean, Napalm Death know how to grind and At The Gates were one of the best bands ever… So, yeah, this records grinds hard.”

Trap Them, Darker Handcraft
“I seriously have not been able to stop listening to this record ever since it came out in March (or in our case over here, since we got our hands on it in February). Pissed and catchy, a little Entombed, a touch of Dismember, a dab of Black Flag, and a hint of Converge, really just some well-written metal songs. One of the best records in 2011 in my opinion.”

Dissection, Reinkaos
“I love this record. I know fans were kind of bummed when it came out, but to me, this record is the black-metal Black Album. Jon Nödtveidt’s swan song, this record sounds like a well-calculated and well-written masterpiece. Really sounds like Jon poured all he had left into this album and everything was considered. I come back to this record all the time.”