Chris Krovatin is the author of two young adult novels,

Hey, Skid Row, man, it’s Chris, how are you? What? Oh, I’m fine, thanks. Nah, no, I’ve really been a stranger lately. What? Well, yeah, that’s why I’m calling… Come on, man, don’t be like that. So, yeah, OK, yes, some people have seen me around town with Bjork, but it’s not… No, look, it’s not about you! She’s just helping me sort some personal shit out, OK? It’s hard, just booting and rallying over and over, buying all these tight jeans and gold chains—sometimes I just have to sigh in a warehouse apartment somewhere, OK? She’s really cool and ethereal—if you met her, you’d probably get…Well, maybe not. What—no, dude, wait. Skid Row, please—hey. Hey. Listen. What about tonight—are you busy? No? Let’s meet up at Freddy’s, man. We’ll crush a few brews and dominate the jukebox. You know you’re my one and only.

As a metalhead, I love some big, riffy, dick-swinging, face-punching cock rock. Nothing gets me more jacked up that a wailing guitar, a thick and simple drum beat, and a spandex-clad madman singing about driving fast and hunting strange. But as a human being, I can’t deny that you gotta get in touch with you feminine side. I’m serious—any dude who lives too long without getting his sobs out becomes a hideous zombie beyond saving (what up, Diamond Dave!). So for those independent women who want to get shirtless and disgusting, and for those crotch-grabbing party animals who need to cry in a huge T-shirt, I present by Six Best Cock-Rock and Chick-Rock Songs. And I’m talking chick rock—no L7, no Kittie, no Hole. Straight-up OG singer-songwriter Lilith Fair shit.

The Six Best Cock-Rock Songs:

1. Guns N’ Roses, “My Michelle” Unlike GN’R’s many songs about boozing, using, and coozin’, “My Michelle” focuses on that one chick you can’t leave alone, that undeniable bad girl who will rock your world every time (provided you pay for the drink and drugs). She drives her friends crazy with her life’s insanity. You know that chick.

1. Warrant, “Cherry Pie” The old ways are best. For instance, sex is good, but teenage sneaking-around counting-the-seconds sex is better. Hence, “Cherry Pie,” the world’s most recognizable war cry for bad behavior. It don’t mean a thing if you ain’t got that swing.

1. Mötley Crüe, “Too Young To Fall In Love” A good cock-rock song always has an awesome riff behind it, and this slow, death-march riff is one of the Crüe’s best forays into macho muscle-flashing. Throw this on your headphones when walking through midtown New York—people will be darting aside to avoid your giant balls.

1. Great White, “Rock Me” Not your typical cock-rock anthem, “Rock Me” takes its time, building into an awesome fist-pumping chorus that details the art of begging a chick to ride you until you cough up a lung. Gotta gives these guys props: song-writing is a 10, even if pyrotechnics is a 2.

1. W.A.S.P., “Animal (Fuck Like A Beast)” What else is there to say? Blackie Lawless scared the Hell out of second lady Tipper Gore with this song, and why not? It’s about the sex you never want your mother to know you have, the one involving all that leather stuff and rope in your nightstand drawer. Just, agree with me that when you lick your chops, they’re TAAASTING GOOOOOOOD.

1. Jackyl, “She Loves My Cock” What—WHY ARE YOU READING THIS? You saw the title! You know where this is going.

The Six Best Chick-Rock Songs:

1. The Story, “The Gilded Cage” Fronted by Lilith Fair veteran Jonatha Brook, the Story played intense emotional acoustic chick rock. But they, or at least Brook, had not time for bullshit religion. “The Gilded Cage” is as anti-church as any Deicide song, and utilizes some heartbreaking minor chords to boot. You might’ve lied…

1. Alanis Morisette, “A Man” While Alanis’ “You Oughtta Know” is the anthem to pissed-off chicks everywhere, “A Man” is her masculine anthem, told from the point of view of an intelligent modern man confronting his vilification at the hands of our world’s FemiNazis. A smart and intelligent role reversal by Canada’s second-most important export. (Sorry, Alanis, Devin Townsend wins the trophy.)

1. Tori Amos, “Strong Black Vine” Does your frau like to get kinky in the bedroom, but isn’t a big fan of Danzig and Blackie Lawless? This bass-heavy, wryly-sung tribute to unorthodox lovemaking in the face of Christian society will get her in the right mood. And come on—this chick covered “Raining Blood.” She’s legit.

1. Melissa Etheridge, “I’m the Only One” Not only does this song have a big, hard, southern rock guitar line at its center, but the lyrics come from the heart of a truly metal chick, calmly explaining how hard she would blow your mind compared to the ditzy cashier you’re now bedding. Let’s be honest: Your girlfriend likes you, but Melissa Etheridge does that thing with her tongue.

1. Fiona Apple, “Slow Like Honey” In both its subject matter and flavor, this song is not terribly metal, but, and I mean this, it will get you laid. I’m serious—this sultry, grinding, bestial lust song should be on every Valentine’s Day mix you ever make. It rules, every time. For once in your life, trust me, bro.

1. Joan Baez, “Diamonds and Rust” Yeah, it’s a heartbreaking story of confronting a lost lover. But after its creation, it was a Judas Priest song. You’ve got nothing on this.

Gary Moore
Thin Lizzy
Died February 6
Guitarist for Irish rockers Thin Lizzy during several periods, Moore is more renowned and revered as a solo blues axman, whose playing reverberates in the six-string work of everyone from Slash to Opeth’s Mikael Åkerfeldt. Metallica’s Kirk Hammett even cites him as one of his top five guitar influences, pointing to the solo in “Master of Puppets” and riffs he wrote for “The Unforgiven” as being inspired by Moore.

Phil Vane
Extreme Noise Terror
Died February 23
Vane made his name as the absolutely ferocious vocalist of pioneering UK crust-punk outfit Extreme Noise Terror, with whom he helped spearhead the late-’80s grindcore movement. He even briefly fronted grindcore originators Napalm Death, switching places with singer Barney Greenway, who appeared on ENT’s Damage 381 before returning to NP.

Mike Starr
Alice in Chains
Died March 8
The original bassist of Alice in Chains, Starr’s tense, throbbing bass lines underpinned classic grunge-metal albums like Facelift and Dirt. After splitting with the band while it was touring in support of the latter album, Starr formed supergroup Sun Red Sun alongside former Black Sabbath members Ray Gillen and Bobby Rondinelli, and later toured with Days of the New.

Scott Columbus
Manowar
Died April 4
Columbus was the longtime drummer of battle-metal barbarians Manowar, and his playing style was fittingly brutish: The skinsman pounded what he called the “Drums of Doom,” a kit made of stainless steel because his hit so hard that when he used standard kits, they had to be replaced too regularly.

Seth Putnam
Anal Cunt
Died June 11
The sick genius/retard behind Anal Cunt and grindcore micro-blasterpieces including “Women: Nature’s Punching Bag” and “Body by Auschwitz,” Putnam was extreme metal’s shock-rock provocateur bar none. He also famously feuded with Cannibal Corpse/Six Feet Under vocalist Chris Barnes (culminating in the AC tune “Chris Barnes is a Pussy”) and provided backing screams to songs on Pantera’s The Great Southern Trendkill.

Mario Comesanas
December Aeternalis, Low Road
Sirius-XM Liquid Metal, Revolver magazine
Died June 13
Hired in 2006, Comesanas was Revolver‘s longtime promotions director and our man on the road with Mayhem Fest from 2008 to 2010. A DJ on Sirius-XM’s Liquid Metal channel, he was a diehard champion of heavy music, as well as a musician in his own right, singing for death-metal outfit December Aeternalis and hardcore band Low Road, which was recording its debut with producer Joey Z, of Life of Agony, at the time of Comesanas’ passing.

Michael “Würzel” Burston
Motörhead
Died July 9
Guitarist for the mighty Motörhead from 1984 to 1995, Würzel laid down the licks on rumbling punk-metal landmarks like Orgasmatron and Rock ‘n’ Roll. He got his nickname while in the army, but Lemmy gave him the umlaut. At the time of his death, he was working on an album with his new band, Leader of Down.

Jani Lane
Warrant
Died August 11
One of the great frontmen of ’80s glam metal, Lane will probably be best remembered for the song and video, “Cherry Pie,” if not for bedding and wedding the clip’s smokin’ starlet, Bobbi Brown. In more recent years, the vocalist had gone solo, appeared on VH1′s Celebrity Fit Club 2, and toured with Great White.

Cory “Flattus Maximus” Smoot
Gwar
Died November 2
Adopting the role of Gwar’s red-faced, white-dreadlocked, dinosaur-shoulder-padded alien guitarist, Flattus Maximus, in 2002, Smoot was considered by fans as the “True Flattus” since he was the longest serving axman to play the character. He was also a major songwriter on the four Gwar albums he played on. After his death, bandleader Oderus Urungus announced that the character Flattus Maximus would be retired.

Currently slated to appear are Great White, Quiet Riot, L.A. Guns, Enuff Z’nuff, and Slammin’ Gladys. Entry is free with 300 tickets being distributed on a first come, first served basis.