Contributing writer Chris “Potable” Krovatin is the author of two young adult novels,

Plenty of modern-day kultists laugh at black metal’s corpsepaint-and-leather imagery, but no one fucks with Immortal. While many black-metal bands were shying away from the Kiss-like origins of the scene, Immortal were owning it. And as if it weren’t enough that they’re grimacing badger-faced night warriors who worship a raven-headed deity in a mountainous wasteland they made up—the music, man. Songs like “Damned In Black,” “Tyrants,” and the inimitable “Blashyrkh (Mighty Ravendark)” stripped away the genre’s newfound love of goth symphonics, returning it to the shred-heavy thrashiness that made Venom and Celtic Frost the legends they are.

My Immortal drink had to reflect the band—abrasive, swift, awesome, but still straightforward and simple. I also wanted to use ingredients from the band’s native Norway. A boiler maker-esque shot-drop would do. For the beer, I decided to use Norwegian Bøkkol, or Bock beer, a heavy brew meant to be sipped and savored, not pounded. For the shot, I decided to do a half-and-half of Jäger—hail Satan—and Linie Aquavit. Linie is fascinating—to obtain its nutty, biting flavor, the liquid has to be transported by ship over the equator twice (the word ‘linie’ means ‘line’). It is, I imagine, a beverage oft enjoyed between frozen raids on the mountains of Blashyrkh.

[futureusgallerycaption id="attachment_16543" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Immortal's 'Norden On Fire'"]

Immortal’s “Norden On Fire”

1 bottle—eight to 12 oz—of Bock beer, preferably Bøkkol.

Jägermeister

Linie Aquavit

Pour beer into pint glass. Pour a shot equal parts Jäger and Linie. Drop shot into beer and drink swiftly.

Reactions From Friends:

Alex: Blargh!

Andy: Hugh!

Bernard: Ugggh!

Final Rating:

Fail! The flavor of Jäger-diluted Linie and full-bodied beer is a sudden assault on the senses that results in gagging and stomach trouble (See photo). More so, all of these ingredients are far better served on their own or chasing another than as an epic single gulp. Only consume if you’re preparing for the most ferocious battles in the north.

If you or your dirtbag friends can come up with metal-themed cocktails, send your recipes to krovatinc@gmail.com. Remember, though, these should be metal-themed and original, not the usual headbanger fare like Blacktooth Grins and Butt Burners. Use your imagination, and get slaughtered!

Welcome to the first installment of Heavy Metal Cocktail Hour. Here’s the skinny: As a metalhead, I drink a lot of fucking beer and whiskey, and that’s just great. But every so often, I want a drink that’s a little tastier and a little more intricate than my usual shot and tall boy. Therefore, I’ve come up with a number of cocktail/drink combination inspired on my favorite metal songs and albums. First up, a tasty beverage based on the works of thrashers Coroner.

For those familiar with their music, Zurich’s Coroner holds a special place in metal’s dark past. More thrashy and technical than predecessors Celtic Frost, but far more atmospheric and experimental than Kreator, Coroner’s distinct sound created a badass musical texture that later death- and black-metal bands would strive to achieve. There is a malevolent blackness pervading tracks like “Voyage to Eternity” and “Suicide Command” that seems at odds with the band’s bright and whirling sound, but ultimately only makes the band more of a unique pleasure.

My Coroner cocktail needed to be speedy to accompany the band’s pace, but black and bitter to represent the band’s dark undertones. More so, I wanted it to have bite, the kind of flavor that gets you smacking your lips and hungry for more. Therefore, I decided to make this cocktail a coffee-based drink, and to add the spice with some more respectable liquors: hence, the scotch and Goldschlager. Finally, for a garnish, something disgusting and flavorful had to be chosen—a sugarcube, a piece of candy, something like that. Sounds repulsive, right? That’s just how I like it.

Coroner, ‘Fried Alive’

2 oz. blended scotch

1 oz Goldschlager

1 oz cold espresso

Black jellybean

Ground cinnamon

Mix scotch, Goldschalger, and espresso in a cocktail shaker. Shake to blend. Strain into chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with jellybean, sprinkle cinnamon on top.

Reactions from Friends:

Alex: This isn’t so bad. I could drink more than one of these.

Maddy: Yeah, dude, this is all right. The cold coffee is really important.

Bernard: I think you need more cinnamon. It’s a little too wet and bitter, and needs that sharpness.

Andy: I like it. Really not that bad compared to some of the other drinks we’ve been making.

Final Rating:

Hail! Coroner’s ‘Fried Alive’ proves a success! This murky concoction has a pleasant bitterness that stays in the mouth and goes down easy. The scotch and coffee are smoky and pleasant, but the Goldschalger, cinnamon, and jellybean give the drink a sweetness that offsets the overwhelming bitterness. However, the highly scientific polling suggests that minor tweaking involving even more sweetness—a sugarcube over a jellybean, maybe an entire cinnamon stick as a garnish—would improve upon the flavor. Definitely a good hangover drink, that’s for sure!

If you or your dirtbag friends can come up with metal-themed cocktails, send your recipes to krovatinc@gmail.com. Remember, though, these should be metal-themed and original, not the usual headbanger fare like Blacktooth Grins and Butt Burners. Use your imagination, and get slaughtered!