Chris Krovatin is the author of two young adult novels, Heavy Metal & You and Venomous. He is currently working on multiple new writing projects, as well as new material with his local New York metal band Flaming Tusk. He is a contributing writer for Revolver and generally comes off as a good-natured pain in everyone’s collective ass. […]
I love football. And I mean American football, though soccer has its place (IN THE LADIES ROOM, HAHAHAHAHAHA). There’s a ballet of violence to football that is astounding, and the general point of the game—get the ball down the field as a line of musclebound freaks attempts to flatten you—is metal as fuck. Sadly, among the quarterbacks in the NFL (I’m not saying shit about teams, just quarterbacks), being metal isn’t always in the cards. Being a quarterback means being part boy scout, and metalheads and boy scouts don’t mix (we do both start fires). So in honor of the playoffs, here are my Six Most/Least Metal Quarterbacks in the NFL.
My original plan was to do the six best and shittiest metal albums of 2010, but I already had my 10 best down, and if music’s shitty, I just don’t listen to it. Album covers, though, that’s another matter. I’ll probably ignore your shitty album if I suspect I’ll hate it, but I’ll always take the time to check out your retarded album cover. All that takes is a click of a link, not listening to 40 minutes of your shitty metalcore band. So here to ring in the New Year is my list of the Six Best and Worst Album Covers Of 2010.
Being a city person is fucking bananas. You respect hard edges, looming structures, a sense of immediacy, and know how to get anything, anytime. You also usually pay unspeakable rent prices for closet-sized living spaces and worry about getting mugged for the six pack you just bought, maybe your shoes. The country, on the other hand, is wide-open and relaxing, full of cool predators and nice weed-growing terrain, but until recently, no New Yorkers have ever had to deal with tornadoes, and it sucks to have to be sober enough to drive if you want to buy smokes or go to a movie. So for those rat-racers and rednecks out there, here is my list of the Six Most Metal Things About Living In The City or Living In The Country.
First band on: Is it…oh, it’s Mortician! That’s “Zombie Apocalypse!”
Sounds like: The fattest, scariest serial killer you’ve ever met chopping you down with a meat cleaver and then resurrecting your corpse so he can do it again.
Number of times I covet Grutle Kjellson’s moustache: 35.
Newsworthy artistic choice: Dimmu Borgir recently changed the cover art for their newest album, Abrahadabra, only a few weeks after it was released. The change was from a multi-eyed industrial gargoyle man to the exact same image with a skull instead of a man’s face.
Recent suggestion heard by this author: The change was because the man’s face looked like he was blowing a dude.
HAIL: THE GRIMMEST OF BLOWJOBS!
General aroma of Webster Hall: Resin-soaked beard.
Number of beards present at Webster Hall: 4,237.
Number of flannel shirts present: 1,482.
Number of dudes wearing the same bootleg Slayer shirt as me: Four. One of us is going to have to change.
• Sounds like: A collection of walk-on music for the meanest fucking wrestler in the world.
• Where do Black Label Society sit in a movie theater: Wherever the fuck they feel like.
General state of the crowd at the Knitting Factory: Hairy.
Chris Krovatin is the author of the young-adult novels Heavy Metal & You and Venomous, as well as Revolvermag.com's “Final Six” blog. The latter book was the inspiration for Deadlocke, a one-shot published by Dark Horse Comics. He is also the vocalist New York sludge-metal band Flaming Tusk. Feel free to follow him on Twitter (@bloodinmystool), but honestly, it’s mostly just dick and weed jokes.
On Sunday, I went to the Gwar (left), who played with Dirge Within and Mobile Deathcamp. I brought my girlfriend with me. Here’s what happened: