Chris Krovatin is the author of three young adult novels,

One of the best parts of Halloween is dressing up like something you don’t often get to be in your everyday life—be that a monster, pun, or sexpot—and parading around town, reveling in that borrowed personality. That’s why Halloween will always have an aspect of the insane to it: because everyone is someone else, thriving behind their masks and cloaks in a life they’ll abandon by sun-up. Of course, this has been taken in dangerous directions, especially with the Sexy _____ market. My philosophy, being a metalhead, has always been, “Gore, not whore.” However, this is a night where people get to be what they want, so who am I to shoot their ideas down?

Answer: Chris fucking Krovatin, that’s who. Because honestly, some costumes never work. Every so often, someone you know does a semi-decent job at pulling them off, but overall, they’re garbage. More so, there are some costumes no one does, but which are so awesome it hurts. And then, finally, there are the classics, the costumes that most people should just rotate through every couple of years. So if you’re feeling undecided, use this handy guide to help you pick your costume this October 31. Here, fear-mongers, is my second Halloween-edition triple six, with the Six Halloween Costumes That Never Work, the Six Halloween Costumes that I Wish People Wore More Often, and the Six Timeless Classic Halloween Costumes.

The Six Halloween Costumes That Never Work

1. Werewolf Torn flannel shirt? Check. Ripped jeans? Got ‘em. Fully functional wolf-human hybrid head? Oh wait, those don’t exist on the open market. Enjoy your mask or not-cool-and-gory prosthetic.
2. Mummy Don’t get me wrong, there are bad mummy costumes: skintight white gauze that makes you look like Darkman on Ice, or a weird striped jumpsuit with some dangling tatters. But really, why not just be List 3, Item 5?
3. Jack Skellington Sorry, goth brother, but that shit always looks chunky and awkward. Jack is the world’s spookiest stick figure, and you drank four Michelob Ultras last night. Ain’t happening.
4. Mr. Hyde Edward Hyde looks like the evil side of a good man, the distilled darkness that resides within the darkest recesses of a good man’s soul. You look like Monkey McMuttonchops out on the town in foggy old London. It’s a nice idea.
5. Ghost What do you go for? A sheet? White clothing and skull lines of your face? Some Jacob Marley-ass chains? It never works. Ghosts are awesome in stories, movies, and video games, but you can’t make yourself transparent, and scaaary voices sound retaaarded.
6. King Diamond Every year, I see a number of people rocking this outfit, and the truth is, it never looks good. I mean, unless you’ve got the pipes for it, you’ll never be King Diamond. Besides, he’s King Diamond so you don’t have to be.

The Six Halloween Costumes That I Wish People Wore More Often

1. Witchfinder General The original holy terror! Matthew Hopkins, England’s Witchfinder General, murdered countless young women in the name of Christ. But while it’d be fun to get all Exodus 22:18 on motherfuckers, you’d also spend the whole night getting asked if you were a pilgrim.
2. Hunchback I mean, I get why it’s not done. Either you do it half-assed so you can drink and maybe bone someone, or you do it full hog and end up being the stooped-over uncomfortable goon all night at the party. But it’s a cool costume, you have to admit.
3. Tetsuo The antagonist from the classic anime comic Akira is a scary and iconic figure in the sci-fi world, and would make an awesome Halloween costume. I was going to do it this year, but I just don’t have the body type for it, and really didn’t want to hear anyone use the phrase “Fatsuo.”
4. Bat Not a vampire. Not a gargoyle, or some kind of…Deviant Art demon. A bat. Maybe do the ears, and, if you’re a baller, the gross vagina-esque leaf nose. But just be a bat, OK? Just. A fucking. BAT.
5. Cthulhu It’s hard to convince your friends that sitting on a bas relief all night and maybe rising up from your sunken city to devour the world would be the illest. But man, if someone busted out a truly solid Cthulhu costume, I’d give them props.
6. Baron Samedi This is actually a totally doable costume—the voodoo loa of the dead wears a tattered suit and tails, a top hat, and some glasses with one eye busted out. It’s a shame that he’ll forever be remembered as a Bond villain.

The Six Timeless Classic Halloween Costumes

1. Witch Nothing says “Halloween” like an old woman who fucks the Devil. Whether you’re doing the Oz-style pointed hat or the Macbeth-ish stooped crone, the witch remains a classic in the Halloween pantheon. Variation: Gypsy.
2. Devil Halloween, we should remember, is a day when the fabric between our world and the world beyond is at its thinnest, allowing diabolical forces to slip through. Red-clad forces, with pencil mustaches, that want bite-size Snickers bars. Technically the most metal costume. Variation: The Man.
3. Skeleton The original. For some reason, a walking set of bones remains a classic terror for mankind. But more importantly, a black outfit painted with bones remains an iconic image for the best day of the year. Variation: Grim Reaper.
4. Vampire Creature of the night, clad in black, ready to swoop down upon your village and enact a series of sexual metaphors you’ll never forget. A little white paint, some red dribble, and some wax teeth, and bam!—looking good, Dracula. Variation: A FUCKING BAT, GODAMMIT.
5. Zombie For the gorier horror fan, nothing is as simple and wonderful as the living dead—and given the recent zombie craze, you can buy all sorts of insane shit these days, intestines and lips-eaten-away mouth prosthetics and more. Variation: Zombie anything. “Zombie” is the new “sexy.” We’re them. They’re us.
6. Pirate There’s a reason “pirate” was an iconic Halloween costume before that Johnny Depp franchise: Pirates are fucking scary. They slaughter innocent sailors before jamming their syphilitic cocks into the stab wounds. Yarr, man. Variation: Popeye.