Trust me: If it’s done right, theater is awesome.
Chris “Lazarus OMG” Krovatin is the author of two young adult novels, Heavy Metal & You and Venomous. He is currently working on multiple new writing projects, as well as new material with his local New York metal band Flaming Tusk. He is a freelance writer for Revolver and generally comes off as a good-natured pain in everyone’s […]
I love football. And I mean American football, though soccer has its place (IN THE LADIES ROOM, HAHAHAHAHAHA). There’s a ballet of violence to football that is astounding, and the general point of the game—get the ball down the field as a line of musclebound freaks attempts to flatten you—is metal as fuck. Sadly, among the quarterbacks in the NFL (I’m not saying shit about teams, just quarterbacks), being metal isn’t always in the cards. Being a quarterback means being part boy scout, and metalheads and boy scouts don’t mix (we do both start fires). So in honor of the playoffs, here are my Six Most/Least Metal Quarterbacks in the NFL.
My original plan was to do the six best and shittiest metal albums of 2010, but I already had my 10 best down, and if music’s shitty, I just don’t listen to it. Album covers, though, that’s another matter. I’ll probably ignore your shitty album if I suspect I’ll hate it, but I’ll always take the time to check out your retarded album cover. All that takes is a click of a link, not listening to 40 minutes of your shitty metalcore band. So here to ring in the New Year is my list of the Six Best and Worst Album Covers Of 2010.
Being a city person is fucking bananas. You respect hard edges, looming structures, a sense of immediacy, and know how to get anything, anytime. You also usually pay unspeakable rent prices for closet-sized living spaces and worry about getting mugged for the six pack you just bought, maybe your shoes. The country, on the other hand, is wide-open and relaxing, full of cool predators and nice weed-growing terrain, but until recently, no New Yorkers have ever had to deal with tornadoes, and it sucks to have to be sober enough to drive if you want to buy smokes or go to a movie. So for those rat-racers and rednecks out there, here is my list of the Six Most Metal Things About Living In The City or Living In The Country.
1) White Zombie, La Sexorcisto: Devil Music, Vol. 1 This beach-friendly soul-crusher brings California attitude and Frankenstein groove that announce, rather loudly, that school’s out for summer. Blast it from a hotrod for extra points.
1) Meat Loaf, Bat out of Hell Besides having the most metal cover art ever, Bat out of Hell is a record that takes the somewhat nonsensical parts of metal and melds them together throughout every single song, including the sack-less ballad “Heaven Can Wait.” Still the only record which can make me play air-piano.
“2) The death of the guitar solo In its efforts to tune down and simplify riffs, nu-metal effectively drove a stake through the heart of the guitar solo (a single lead on a wah pedal does not a solo make, guys). Yes, punk was only three chords, but at least that was played fast.”