Final Six: The Six Most/Least Metal Quarterbacks
Chris “Wide Open” Krovatin is the author of two young adult novels, Heavy Metal & You and Venomous. He is currently working on multiple new writing projects, as well as new material with his local New York metal band Flaming Tusk. He is a freelance writer for Revolver and generally comes off as a good-natured pain in everyone’s collective ass.
I love football. And I mean American football, though soccer has its place (IN THE LADIES ROOM, HAHAHAHAHAHA). There’s a ballet of violence to football that is astounding, and the general point of the game—get the ball down the field as a line of musclebound freaks attempts to flatten you—is metal as fuck. Sadly, among the quarterbacks in the NFL (I’m not saying shit about teams, just quarterbacks), being metal isn’t always in the cards. Being a quarterback means being part boy scout, and metalheads and boy scouts don’t mix (we do both start fires). So in honor of the playoffs, here are my Six Most/Least Metal Quarterbacks in the NFL.
The Six Most Metal Quarterbacks in the NFL:
1) Michael Vick: OK, first, the dude murders animals. Then he does time for doing so. Then, he comes out of prison, gets a third-string quarterback position, and through circumstance and experience gets on the field and plays football like a fucking legend. No contest.
2) Kevin Kolb: True, he was overshadowed by Michael Vick, and he loses hard, but the Eagles QB also hunts wild hogs with a foot-long Bowie knife and a couple of dogs. Do you hunt wild hogs with a huge knife and some dogs?
3) Matt Hasselbeck: Father of two kids, married his college sweetheart—what makes the QB for surprise playoff contenders the Seattle Seahawks so metal? Simple: dude’s been struck by lightning. Twice. And his wife got hit by lightning, too. Amazing.
4) Joe Flacco: This year, the intrepid young Baltimore Ravens’ quarterback lead one of the greatest drives of the year, stomping on the Steeler’s 3–0 winning streak by beating ‘em in zero hour in their fucking house. Also, his team name is a Poe reference. What what.
5) Sam Bradford: I’m not crazy about the Rams, and this dude loves his Christianity, but he’s a member of the Cherokee nation, and that’s pretty badass. WAR DANCE!
6) Ben Roethlisberger: Look, the dude is huge, and he smashed his fucking face open in a motorcycle accident and lived to tell about it. Whatever else you think about Big Ben, those facts cannot be disputed.
The Six Least Metal Quarterbacks in the NFL:
1) Peyton Manning: The Colts’ quarterback has an arm like a catapult and can handle a high-stakes game with ease. But come on—too many commercials and too much of a good ol’ boy. Probably cool to drink with, but metal? Nah.
2) Eli Manning: OK, I am a massive Giants fan, but I gotta rule Eli as pretty solidly un-metal. He’s clean-cut, a little brother, and given to consistency issues under pressure. You see him shrugging, bad things are coming.
3) Drew Brees: If you’re the quarterback of the Big Easy’s team, you should be tossing beads and taking shots like it’s your job. This guy married his college sweetheart and did an anti-bullying ad. Too nice.
4) Tim Tebow: This Denver Broncos QB is a college legend with a huge future ahead of him. But dude is really, really into Jesus, and he’s young yet. Get some insane Christian metal tattoos and we’ll talk.
5) Tony Romo: Fuck Jessica Simpson, fuck your giant screen, and fuck your obnoxious fans, Romo. And yes, of course, fuck the Cowboys.
6) Tom Brady: Look at that fucking hair…