Final Six: The Six Most Metal Things About Living in the City/Country

Chris “The Aroma” Krovatin is the author of two young adult novels, Heavy Metal & You and Venomous. He is currently working on multiple new writing projects, as well as new material with his local New York metal band Flaming Tusk. He is a freelance writer for Revolver and generally comes off as a good-natured pain in everyone’s collective ass.

Sometimes, when I need a laugh, I imagine Biohazard and Wolves in the Throne Room going out for a drink together. Brooklyn’s finest are in wife-beaters and black combat fatigues, showing off their extensive ink, while WITTR wear flannel and jeans and rock big shaggy beards. Everyone’s having a Guinness. Evan Seinfeld tells a story of abusing Riki Rachtman on Headbanger’s Ball. Nathan Weaver explains the bandage on his hand—a storm tore the roof off of one of the neighbors’ chicken coops, and he cut his hand on a nail while helping them fix it. Both bands get on really well; someone puts “Trouble” on the jukebox, and everyone clinks beers. Then they shake hands, say goodbyes, and drive home thinking, Jesus, can you imagine being those motherfuckers on an everyday basis?

Being a city person is fucking bananas. You respect hard edges, looming structures, a sense of immediacy, and know how to get anything, anytime. You also usually pay unspeakable rent prices for closet-sized living spaces and worry about getting mugged for the six pack you just bought, maybe your shoes. The country, on the other hand, is wide-open and relaxing, full of cool predators and nice weed-growing terrain, but until recently, no New Yorkers have ever had to deal with tornadoes, and it sucks to have to be sober enough to drive if you want to buy smokes or go to a movie. So for those rat-racers and rednecks out there, here is my list of the Six Most Metal Things About Living In The City or Living In The Country.

The Six Most Metal Things About Living In The City:

1) It’s like living in some post-apocalyptic future You’re walking under a 40-story bridge next to a mass of rags with eyes and a 10-foot-tall pile of trash. A man with one eye attempts to sell you pornography. Somewhere, an engine revs, then explodes. No, this is not Heavy Metal Magazine.
2) You can be just a face in the crowd Some nights, you just want to disappear into humanity for a bit, and a city allows you to do that. Just throw up your hood, walk down a sidestreet, and boom, you’re a phantom.
3) Basic illegality is the norm Obviously, murder, rape, and arson will get you arrested anywhere, but pot-smoking, public sex, and the occasional bar fight will be overlooked considering how much more horrible stuff is going on in your city. Hooray for modern Babylon!
4) There’s something for everyone Right-wing Christian fundamentalist? Sure. Gay Arab street-fighting death metal musician? Yeah, come over. Turtle fetishist? Whatever, man! It’s the melting pot! You think you’re gonna get persecuted? My neighbor gives drive-by piercings. Good dude, terrible golfer.
5) There’s an easily-accessible music scene If you live in a big city, you’ll probably see some good tour traffic, and it’s usually no more than a 10 minute walk/ride away. Plus, if you want spiked leather or cool band shirts, you don’t have to deal with mailorder—there’s an actual store, one that’s not Hot Topic.
6) It’s dog-eat-dog For a modern human, trying to maintain a normal standard of living in a big city is similar to being an ancient barbarian. Leaving the house? Try not to get stabbed! Getting a donut? Hope no one’s picking your pocket!

The Six Most Metal Things About Living In The Country:

1) There are wild animals everywhere Living out in the sticks teaches you things, like how to kill a bear, or what weasel shit looks like. The city may have muggers, but there’s never a worry about getting mauled by a coyote. Also, mmm-mmm, venison!
2) You can have extreme privacy Wanna get stoned, naked, on your porch, with a gun? Go for it! No one’s going to see you except maybe that scandalized chipmunk. Just check your schedule—no one likes getting ready for a day of public masturbation, only to have the cable guy show up.
3) Booze and smokes are cheaper City taxes suck dog cocks. Out in the country, though, cheap beer by the case and under-10-dollar packs of smokes are available at most gas stations. Nothing says “roughing it” like terrible living.
4) You learn practical skills No one gives a shit if you’re an excellent “website content manager” if you can’t drive a damn nail. Living out in the country involves using your hands and getting good at doing so. Now fix them gutters, boy.
5) Your body will probably be horribly decomposed when it’s found Yes, ma’am. Well, if Chris had, say, a downstairs neighbor, they could’ve informed us of a noise or smell. Since he lived alone up in the mountains, though, he was pretty much bean dip by the time we found him. It was brutal. Check out these photos.
6) You can play your music as loud as you want Who’s gonna give you a noise complaint, the God-fearing redneck two miles away from you? Besides, that dude loves Clutch!

 

Alert to All Users of the Disqus commenting system: Because of a recent global security issue, the Disqus website recommends that all users change their Disqus passwords. Heres a URL about the issue: http://engineering.disqus.com/2014/04/10/heartbleed.html