Just in time for the holidays — it's Blothar's Top 10 Yankee Candle Scents for the 2018 Holiday Season.
You may not know this about me, but I'm a candle junkie ... and in the Berserker household, Old Kris Kringle is a cuckold toilet slave who lives in the basement, and smells are free! So, this year, I've taken a break from running trains on Mrs. Claus with a bunch of dick-swinging elves to spend the last four days meticulously sniffing the candles at my local Bed, Bath & Beyond here in Antarctica. So let my nose guide you and fall in love with these top 10 aromatic holiday fragrances. Let's start with No. 10 and work our way to No. 1, shall we?
10. Elevator Piss
Nothing says, "It's cold outside," like getting on an elevator that some homeless human has left smelling like a chemical toilet.
9. Nut
Not plural ... just nut. After a busy day in the barnyard bangin' the buttholes of Dancer, Prancer, Donner and Blitzen, I like the whole house to smell like nut.
8. Airplane Glue
I'm making a list and checking it twice ... huffing glue is my favorite vice, and I've forgot what the list says ... Whose naughty? Whose Nice? Who gives a shit?
7. Nursing Home
A stink with heat ... lotion and dodo and the onrushing grip of death (kudos to our fallen leader Oderus Urungus for that last bit). Why humans allow their ancestors to die alone, surrounded by strangers is something I will never understand. And you say we are barbaric?
6. Human Suffering
Mmm mmm mmm! A bit more abstract than the others that passed the sniff test. You really can smell fear you know? Acrid stink sweats, beating hearts, spurting arteries, projectile vomit and the surprising burst of chocolaty fudge that fills the pants of my victims when they take their last breath.
5. Adult Theater
Apparently "adult" means fat dudes with body odor who have recently peed their pants doing whip-its and jerking off in the dark while constantly farting and for some reason someone is burning incense. It's a fragrance you won't soon forget!
4. Simply Vomit
Red vomit, green vomit, a fragrant fruit cake of gastrointestinal distress. If you don't like this smell, stay away from GWARbar.
3. Heap of Burning Corpses
An Oderus favorite, this is the GWAR version of percolating coffee in the morning. It just gets my blood pumping, my udders milking and my toothy vagina wet with grool.
2. Number 2
Coming in at No. 2, is actual ... No. 2. Nothing like a foul-smelling poo. I like to dine and dash at a fancy restaurant, then go home and work up a yule log to use as the base of a scrumptious stool stew — it's a Berserker family tradition.
1. Pumpkin Spice
Smells like Thanksgiving. I simply can't get through these blustery Autumn days without disemboweling a barista at Starbucks and sucking down a Double Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Pumpkin Spice Frappuccino With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended with Sweet N' Low. Seriously, only humans would memorialize the genocide of indigenous peoples by religious fanantics as a day for wide-assed Type 2 fatties to gorge themselves. Good work! We've taught you well.
Below, dive deeper into the insanity that is GWAR with some of their most blood-sprayed music videos:
