The holidays are always a special time here in the Berserker family household. And every year it falls to me, the spiritual leader of GWAR, to keep the holiday train chugging like a frat boy in a beer pong tournament. But I'm tired of playing jolly ole Saint Nick for these ungrateful clowns. They think just because I'm morbidly obese, have a long beard, live in the Arctic, surrounded by elves, am absolutely obsessed with milk and cookies, and based on Scandinavian legend, that I'm freaking Santy Claus. Well, I am not!
Santa gives gifts, and I've always thought gift giving was the worst part of Christmas. Since when is Christmas about giving? I've always thought it was about getting useless garbage and then taking that garbage to Goodwill. Why do we have to mix it up with all this stupid Baby Jesus crap? Point is, I hate shopping even in a normal year. So imagine my dismay to find that in 2020 I would have to do all my shopping online. As a consolation, and to fulfill a promise I made to Martha Stewart (in exchange for a bag of blow we both wound up snorting off Dennis Rodman's dick), I will now throw down my recommendations for holiday gifts in 2020.
Buckle up, for Blothar's 2020 Gift Ideas:
Roomba
I gotta get the pet hair one for this house, though. GWAR sheds … a lot! You know, I hate housework. It says so on my apron. And what with everyone stuck in the Antarctic fortress during the pandemic, let's just say, if I step on another LEGO, somebody has to die. I need something that sucks, running around this house at all times, and I'm not talking about our drummer! I would prefer a Roomba with a custom cozy cover that looks like Toad from Mario Kart so I can always be reminded of Donald Trump's wiener.
Yule Log
I don't know what that is exactly, but it sounds delicious and sexual. I imagine it's like a nut log, but from a Yule, which sounds like some kind of yak. It also sounds like a contraction with a rather interesting verb: "You'll log …" Yes. I will log. Seriously, I started this stupid tradition and wound up burning down a whole town in the Old Country. People would actually just drag an entire tree into the house and just light it on fire. It was a simpler, happier time.
Snuggie: The Original Wearable Blanket
I've always been a fan of things you can buy on television. Sure, [GWAR's late leader] Oderus [Urungus] was a drugged-out whore-fish monger, but he also knew how to be comfy. When he died he left nothing but some gambling debts and a shit-stained, bedraggled Snuggie. I still use it to this day to keep my tootsies warm, but it's as worn out as Bill Barr's gaping asshole. I'd love a knockoff one that looks like Chewbacca — or a Barry Wood image print.
Sir Perky Wine Pourer
This little red man with his big bottle-stopping, wine-dispensing ding dong is a godsend, uh, Satan-send … whatever. It is useful. Which is more than I can say for most little red men with their hands in the air and big hollow cocks growing straight from their belly. Sir Perky will get you fucking wasted, and he's a great guy in real life. We hang out.
Umbrella Hat
This is just useful. Especially at a GWAR show. I am amazed I haven't seen more of these things out there in the crowd. It's not like you can't afford it. Who do they get to write the reviews of things at Wish.com? Is Wish even a real thing? How can it be so much cheaper? I would expect to pay, 200 – 300 dollars for a good umbrella hat. This must be a knockoff.
Pop It Pal Pimple Popping Toy With Refillable Pus
I knew they had a winner when I saw this on Shark Tank a while back. A pimple-popping simulator, that is basically just a blob of pockmarked plastic filled with fake pus. Can you eat the pus? Because I ate the pus, I hope it's OK. I'm sure it's fine. This thing looks like my publicist, just a big block head with huge gaping pores and no real face to speak of.
Scrunchies
Who knew you could be a murderous monster and a scrunchies enthusiast? Well, check out this link to the Teen Vogue history of the scrunchie and learn something. Talk about practical. You know who can never have enough of these stretchy little lifesavers? Me — and a lot of menopausal yoga moms. Stuff her stocking … with scrunchies!
Subtle Butt Disposable Gas Neutralizer Pads
Trust me. They will love you for it. These will have to do until I develop my line of Blothar-brand Gag-a-Matic Potpourri Scented Fart Pads. If you are looking to invest in a surefire product idea, these are tighty-whitey underwear with a little pouch in the seat designed to hold packets of potpourri in various scents. When the wearer farts, the smell of fresh pine and mulling cider fills the air. I've been testing some prototypes in the rehearsal space, and for some reason, my bandmates don't like the smell of potpourri anymore.
Weird Red Lips Printed Face Mask
If you want to have fun, and be safe, and offensive all at the same time, you should think about buying these weird face masks. At least until GWAR can develop our own line of protective masks. Our plan is to introduce masks that have a big mouth hole in them, so the wearer is both unprotected, and always available for whatever may come up. But the oddly unsettling effect of these designs is hard to overcome. Can't go wrong with the open-mouth design really. I'm hoping the ink on the design makes it difficult to breathe.
French Totes Bag
You can't tell me this isn't a million-dollar idea. Whoever thought of this is gonna be rich. It's a tote bag called a French Tote featuring a piece of toast with a jaunty mustache. Everything I like about life. The French, carb-rich egg-soaked bread, powdered sugar, syrup and carrying stuff. Merry Christmas, ya dinks!
