Buzz Osborne: Creature Feature | Revolver

Buzz Osborne: Creature Feature

Who else but a pet will love you devotedly and unconditionally even if you come home late every night from the "studio" reeking of weed and strippers?

Band Melvins
Pets Coco Diablo Chanel, Itchy and Bacchus
Species Dog
Breeds Jack Russell Terrier, Pit-Bull-Labrador-Whippet mix, and American Bulldog (respectively)
Sexes Female, Male and Male
Age In Human Years 8 or 9, 12 and 8 or 9
Weight 15 pounds, 50 – 60 pounds and 110 pounds

REVOLVER What's the weirdest thing about your dogs?
BUZZ OSBORNE They can tell my wife's car when she rounds a corner at the bottom of the hill just from the way the motor sounds.
Two years ago, we bought a new car. One day, the dogs started going crazy. I'm like, OK, Mack's home. I get up and look, and it's not her—this is, like, two days after we got the car—it's the same make of car but it wasn't her. So they had tuned in the make of the car, but they hadn't tuned in her make yet. That's how aware they are of the world around them.

Do you feel any kinship with your dogs, like a human friendship?
Oh yeah. Far beyond anything—I don't want to think about not having them… My wife is so into the dogs, she wouldn't sell them for any price. A funny joke I'll play on her is, "OK, let's say the house is burning, and you can only save me or the dogs. Who's it gonna be?" And she's, "Ummm? Uhhhh?" [Laughs]

What are the characteristics of each breed that attracted you?
I'll never not have a Jack Russell after this one. They're amazing dogs. We always joke that our little dog, she's an attention hog. If she was on death row with John Wayne Gacy, she'd be sitting on his lap same as anybody else. [Laughs] As for Itchy, I think mixes are better than purebreds. They're more even tempered and they're the best of both worlds. And with Bacchus, I think pitbulls have got a really bad rap. They're one of the most trainable dogs there is, and they're total sweethearts.

Complete the following sentence: "If I were knocked unconscious and in grave danger, my dogs would..."
I don't know if they'd be Rin Tin Tin and drag us out of a burning building or anything. I doubt that. But if you think about it, if Sharon Tate would have had a bunch of pitbulls at her house, [the Charles Manson massacre] would have never happened. [Manson associate] Tex Watson would have had his ass eaten off the second he climbed over that fence. [Laughs]