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If anyone knows metal festivals, it's Dethklok's Nathan Explosion. The dude has played some of the biggest metallurgic gatherings ever, often leaving his band's fanatical and reckless fans literally dead in the group's wake.
Considering his depth of experience and knowledge in regards to the dangers of concert-going, we asked Explosion if he would be kind enough to put together his list of festival survival tips, and he agreed to do so — mostly because, as he told us, "our Dethklok manager Charles asked me to write this because he thought it would help my 'I hate the fans' image, even though I think it's totally cool to hate your fans. I mean, I don't want to start pandering like Lady Gaga ..."
1. Do not wear deodorant
That's for fancy Wall Street pussies. This is a metal show. You should smell bad. And if you smell bad enough then the crowd will separate when you walk through so you can get beers easier.
2. Bring extra shoes
Shoes have a strange way of flying off your feet when you get knocked on your ass in the mosh pit. You don't want to walk home in broken glass with no shoes, right? Wait. Scratch that. It's way cooler to walk in broken glass with no shoes. Don't bring any shoes.
3. Don't let your epileptic seizure ruin anyone's good time
If you're going to have an epileptic seizure because of the flashing lights, loud music, etc., please excuse yourself and have it privately in the bushes. It tends to bum people out.
4. Be nice to the ladies
There are only four of them here. You'll blow your chances if you act like a dick wad, and the odds are stacked against you as it is.
5. The sun is hot
Here's a great way to cool down: Take off your shirt and coat yourself in butter. I'm telling you here. It's a really good idea.
6. Vomiting
To protect our environment, please vomit in trashcans and not the recycling bins. Unless you've eaten recyclable things like plastic or broken glass — then go ahead and honk into the recycling bins.
Hope this helps. Enjoy yourself, and do please go die.
